Anxiety Daily Check-In point #6

I actually only took 1 Xanax today. Before a Monday too that’s pretty good.

Anxiety was mild today.

I took 2 Xanax today but I don’t think what I’m feeling is anxiety. I think I’m just exhausted from not sleeping well and also dealing with a cold.

I understand. I feel the same way.

My anxiety has sucked today. But I get why. I’m off work tomorrow so that’s good.

My anxiety just wont go away. It’s not terrible just annoying. I didn’t sleep very good last night and I did have some type of Mountain Dew that had a lot of stuff in it which may be causing the anxiety, but it seems like my Xanax is just passing right through me and not working at all.

I haven't slept very well for the last two nights (especially yesterday night) and had a mini meltdown yesterday morning. Perhaps I was just tired and need to slow down. Hoping for a more stable day today.

Had an interesting fear of heights experience a couple days ago. I climbed a local little volcano here in town called Mt. Scott on my bicycle. It's beautiful and a great workout. The climb rises to about 1200 feet from sea level. It is extremely steep. I have been going up there to try to desensitize myself to the heights issue. And that has been helping. First time I did it, when I got to the top and the lookout and looked out over the city, I almost passed out. But I made it down that steep hill. Won't bore you with how I accomplished that. But I made it.

Anyway, I went back up there the other day and, trying to mix it up, decided to go down the back side of Mt. Scott, which I have never done. I google mapped the whole route. It appeared to be fine. It was steep, but I could do it. Then, I got to this street called Monner. It was also steep but also doable. Until I came around a corner and the street suddenly fell off a cliff, basically. It was beyond steep. It might as well have been vertical, to me. The steepest street I have ever been on--and my city is hilly, to put it mildly. I was overcome with anxiety. Terror. Got lightheaded. It was too much. Too steep. Too scary.

I immediately got off the bike. Didn't want to fall off should I pass out. I tried to calm myself down. Told myself I could do it. That it was just a street. That I wouldn't fall off some invisible edge into nothingness, which is my core heights fear. I walked it down the quarter-mile of insane, ridiculous steepness and made it just fine. I had 16 miles left on my ride, but got it done.

Lessons? One is, google maps may be great, but it has pathetic information about elevation. Monner on google maps looks like a little hill. Not the vertical dropoff it really is. Two is, If I encounter something that really triggers me, I can always just get off the bike, do my breathing, tell myself I can do it, and walk for awhile. That's what I did. And it worked.

Really trying to get through this without adding a new medication. My challenging myself on these steep hills we have around here has, overall, helped me be better able to handle a heights situation, I think. So for me it's like that AA saying--it's progress, not perfection. Here's to progress.

Screw people who say “it’s just anxiety” I was told that all the time as a teenager and as an adult I am learning that for sure is not always the case. As an adult it is more certainly not the case the majority of the time. At least this past year it hasn’t been.

I had no anxiety spending the day enjoying friends.

I have a cold since two days ago and forgot how a cold feels like. Hopefully it goes away soon because having a cold and anxiety, I don't know which one it is.

Today my anxiety is pretty bad, mainly due to job worries and some things are out of my control and some things are not. But still it’s difficult and to prevent anxiety or lessen it I know I need to prepare for the next day, plan for the future in small steps, not beat myself up for not being perfect or meeting others’ career expectations of me, just meet my career expectations.

I’m kind of stressed about my therapy appointment today. I wish I hadn’t told her stuff.

When I went to therapy yesterday and brought up the subject of holding information back, my therapist replied, "You know what that is all about, that is you judging yourself." A therapist job is not to be judgmental and the good therapists aren't. Your wish that you hadn't told your T some stuff could be about you judging yourself harshly (or it could be a traumatic situation)--either way, they can't help us as much if we don't feel free to tell them everything. Think about why you wish you hadn't told her. If you are embarrassed--perhaps you need to feel more acceptance of yourself. Sometimes I get embarrassed about me just being me but maybe those little things that I get embarrassed about are the things that make me unique and approachable. I am working on accepting and feeling at ease with myself. I don't know if any of this is why you wish you hadn't told you T some things but I am just putting it out there in case any of it applies to you.

Another day of getting clobbered by social anxiety. My day started out well but then took a nosedive at the mall where I went for groceries. I should be on stronger meds but you can't ask for those least you get labelled a drug seeker and totally judged by those meant to help you. I hate you human race but I love the animals.

Have to venture out later to get a new pair of walking shoes. The moderately priced ones don't last that long, but I'm on a budget. Going to redouble my efforts, in a gentle kind of way, not to get terribly triggered. Surely I can do this, why aren't my coping strategies working all the time? Bleh, it's all a day at a time anyway.

Things went okay today for which I'm grateful. Satisfactory.

My anxiety has been moderate lately.

I was feeling anxious today but because I am more open with my H and taking Zoloft (it helps me listen better), he was able to talk it out with me. Anxiety makes problems that are possible but can be mitigated if you just stay calm, work consistently at it and be patient--seem so big.

My anxiety sucks today. I forgot there’s something about peppermint mocha that causes problems for me. It happens every year and then by the time the season is over I’ve forgotten about it until it happens again next year.