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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 04:21 PM
  #1
How does one become confident enough in doing something that they're actually able to enjoy it rather than being anxious the whole time? How does one become better at doing something if they're too anxious to even practice the skills (because they're afraid of being judged or someone being mad)? It can't just be doing things over and over again or even doing them successfully. That hasn't worked. One failure is all it takes to destroy any amount of confidence built up.

I feel like I'm going to be ridiculed. I'm already held to much higher standards than other people, so I know I'll be called out if I'm anything less than PERFECT. Having that looming over my head, I can't really enjoy the activity, can I? Nor could I ever gain confidence.

I'm not sure if I need to be more specific but it makes me somewhat anxious to think about doing so.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #2
Glad yr posting again. It is so hard to make suggestions when few people know your situation or what activities yr referring to. I remember that you have a complicated situation that may be impacting this more than what activities you want to participate in, but any info gives you a better chance of getting good ideas.
I’m having a really crummy few years, especially bad old 2019,so don’t feel alone in that part, tho yr situation is more complicated than most.

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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 05:34 PM
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Without knowing any details... the first thing that comes to my mind is to do things over and over. That’s how I’ve become more comfortable and better at doing things.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #4
Daring to do the activity instead of avoiding it while testing even sometimes on porpose, how making a mistake won’t make you lose a single bit of value in the process.
How easy it sounds, doesn’t it?
I know it, it’s not easy for a perfectionist as I think you are.
I haven’t still been able to do some kind of activities without a world of worries, before the performance, after and in between. I got it with some activities, however.
Have you tried to do some kind of therapy to help you with this issue?
Sorry of not being a big help.

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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 09:19 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
How does one become confident enough in doing something that they're actually able to enjoy it rather than being anxious the whole time? How does one become better at doing something if they're too anxious to even practice the skills (because they're afraid of being judged or someone being mad)?
How does one become confident enough in doing something that they're actually able to enjoy it rather than being anxious the whole time?

Confidence is earned and cannot be taken. Confidence is something that is built over time and is.. merited, nope.. is measured, nope.. is exercised, maybe. If you feel like you are going to be ridiculed, you probably are. Be prepared for that and decide if that ridicule is based on fact or friction. Everyone needs perfection to some degree, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your mind is made up then you will never regain what you’ve lost. Let it be and it will heal itself in time. I am sorry for your struggles
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 02:00 AM
  #6
It's hard to find the words to explain...

I'm a musician and I'd love to go to jam sessions so I could find other bands to play with. But I'm only comfortable playing and singing around kids (I teach some, and am getting certified to teach full time) because they don't judge me for making mistakes. I'm not going to get called out on social media or have some sexist comment made about me. See, a lot of musicians are straight men and they're not held to as high of a standard as me. Maybe they'd be more accepting if I did fully embrace the object I'm supposed to be. I wear a dress, but I haven't been wearing makeup. In a lot of my experiences, in the music and higher education/grad school worlds, I was either an object (and not even a desired sexual object) or I didn't exist. All of this is made more complicated because I don't fully identify as "woman".

I also don't have any place where I feel remotely comfortable practicing my main instrument. I play several instruments, but none of them feel as high risk I guess. So confidence gets lower...I've been told I was going to fail/not good enough on that instrument because it was technically a secondary instrument. And I have different skill sets that are valued less around here even though if I'm playing to my strengths any ensemble sounds better with me in it.

So I feel like I'm going to be judged for my playing and for my sex/gender/sexuality so it's just uncomfortable to go outside the LGBT and education bubbles. When everything about you is supposedly wrong and bad, it's hard to have any confidence in anything you do. But the main thing I was thinking of I guess was being able to go to jam sessions.
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 05:17 AM
  #7
I'm so sorry, Skull&Crossbones I think there are deeper issues that you may want to work on before you work on this. For example, your doubts about your gender/sexuality, since you sound so insecure about it. I agree with the others that the best way to build confidence is with practice. I know it's easier said than done, but unfortunately there aren't a lot of alternatives. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up, things can get better and I'm sure you'll be able to build some confidence at some point if you just try your best like you're already doing. You can do this! I know you're strong. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #8
Perhaps motivation is the cause? Fear of not doing the task perfectly? Feeling of being too unworthy of taking the time to do and enjoy it?

I am an artist and outdoor enthusiast. I haven't been doing much of either. It is really hard, despite loving doing these activities, to motivate myself to do so. As asked above, I have issues about my self-esteem and worthiness. I question whether I am deserving enough to focus attention on myself. I also am anxious about the end results. I have a need for perfection being concerned I will humiliate myself if the end product isn't good enough. Considering the sheer expense of such things too I question the validity of pursuing them and my deserving of such expense.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 07:02 PM
  #9
It's not that I don't deserve to enjoy something, but this is a straight man's world, so I'm not part of the group. I'm not attractive enough to for them to want me around as an object they can look at. So, since I have no value to them, I have to be perfect in order to be allowed to "tag along".

So I'm mostly afraid of going to a jam session and just being viewed as cattle or an object because I wasn't good enough to be born with male parts.

So you could say I'm anxious doing anything that involves a lot of straight men.
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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 07:38 AM
  #10
Find or form a women’s or lgbt band or jam session. Tho I am purely heterosexual, much of male behavior repels me like them not being good communicators. You are able to discuss, really dissect yr issues. You mostly see women able to or bothering to do that on this site. I think u being different eg incomprehensible to them or feeling yr anxiety may make those guys uncomfortable. It’s just biology for them to be attracted to pretty women. Nature is always trying to trick us one way or the other.

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Default Jan 19, 2019 at 09:36 AM
  #11
Regardless of the end result, do you find the process to be enjoyable?

It took me a full year to set up my art table again. As I am so out of habit the pieces I am thus far producing are garbage to me - even though people who have seen them have said otherwise. But the thing is, I have enjoyed the process these last few weeks. Besides, at least with my art, I can gesso white over the paintings that pain me and start all over again. The hobby is soothing me and I have noticed an increase in my confidence little by little since returning to a creative outlet.

So what I have to say is keep taking stabs at what gives you joy and practise, practise, practise. I think eventually it will put a smile on your face.
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Default Jan 19, 2019 at 05:18 PM
  #12
I must not be able to communicate properly...I have no place to comfortably practice so practicing is even more miserable than it would normally be. I've always hated practicing. There is absolutely NOTHING fun about it most of the time. There is no creativity when I have to play music I didn't write/arrange or select. Playing with others is all about highlighting weaknesses and ignoring strengths...so when practicing, even if you like playing the song, you feel awful every time you're not 100% perfect because it just proves everyone else right.

I've been told I was going to fail when I was young...I wasn't always allowed to play on the instrument I wanted to because I wasn't good enough on that instrument. I was just used to fill out instrumentation sometimes. I've just always been an object, a failure, someone incapable of succeeding no matter how hard they try...I just can't communicate this I guess.

As for the jam sessions, if I just had a friend to go with me and encourage me/support me, then I'd probably be fine. I've gone to them in the past, although it was with my ex who was a professional full-time musician for a while, so I'll always pale in comparison to him.
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
How does one become confident enough in doing something that they're actually able to enjoy it rather than being anxious the whole time? How does one become better at doing something if they're too anxious to even practice the skills (because they're afraid of being judged or someone being mad)? It can't just be doing things over and over again or even doing them successfully. That hasn't worked. One failure is all it takes to destroy any amount of confidence built up.

I feel like I'm going to be ridiculed. I'm already held to much higher standards than other people, so I know I'll be called out if I'm anything less than PERFECT. Having that looming over my head, I can't really enjoy the activity, can I? Nor could I ever gain confidence.

I'm not sure if I need to be more specific but it makes me somewhat anxious to think about doing so.
I'm curious as to what activity you're concerned with, but I will try to help out the best I can.

I can relate to what you're talking about mostly. Even if I am doing something in isolation, I sometimes feel on edge the entire time as if I am on stage performing. This is incredibly anxiety inducing for me.

The best advice I have is that practice makes perfect and investment is key. I will use one of my hobbies as an example.

I have played billiards most of my life and like to think I am half way decent. But, no matter where I go or who I see play, I like to think that most people are better than me. Even though I enjoy the activity, I had to clear some serious milestones before I could even play in public. Here are a few things that have helped.

For one, I try to remember that people are inherently selfish no matter what. This means they are focusing on themselves way more than they are focusing on me. This can be very noticeable. I can be in a crowded pool hall having a god awful game, and nobody even notices me. Nobody is laughing, looking, or focused on me in the slightest. Once I realized this, I kept practicing. I dedicated hours to the craft. I would do this mostly on off-peak times when the venue would be the least crowded. For example, I would take advantage of day rates (playing from 11:00am-3:00pm), instead of going out on Saturday nights.

My next suggestion is investment. I have always been more confident of something that I want to be good at if I put something on the line. Keeping with the billiards example, I bought a pool cue. We'e not talking a simple cue here. I bought the one I wanted, the one that felt right, the one that made me feel GOOD. I now take that cue with me every single time I play. Making that invested not only boosted my confidence, but showed the "audience" that was "heckling" me that I meant business.

I hope you can take something from my experience. Best of luck!

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