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Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: TN
Posts: 40
5 18 hugs
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#1
so.. i dont really know how to start this
ive written about this issue in my little word doc/journal, ill just copy and paste it here 'I need to write something. I don’t know about what. I just need to type the keys in my keyboard. It feels nice. It sounds nice. I wish I didn’t feel...... There's a story I want to write. A fiction. About another fiction. A fanfiction. But... thinking about characters, not just from this one piece of media, gives me a weird sense of anxiety? It feels.. like the symptoms of a crush. Nervousness, blushing. But it’s really uncomfortable. A crush is supposed to be pleasant right? I don’t think I've ever really had a crush, so i don’t know. I just know I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish it didn’t happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it. While I may like these characters, unlike most people in a fandom, I don’t really develop crushes or fall in love. I don’t want to date or **** any character that I might like. I’m aromantic and asexual. But those feelings? Why do they happen? It doesn’t make any sense. Maybe it’s me subconsciously judging myself. Sometimes, when lying on my back or side, I feel like some entity is just.. There. I feel like.. Like my intimate parts are sometimes exposed... I guess. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but that’s basically it. Sometimes it’ll feel that way for my chest too. And even when I'm trying to use the bathroom, that same kind of feeling will manifest, that I'm being watched or something, and it’ll keep me from doing my business. I hated typing that. Why? Take a wild guess. It's so uncomfortable. I wish it would just go away. What would you even call that type of mental state? A weird variant of anxiety? I don’t know. I try to tell myself it’s just a “brain thing” and that it’s not really there. But of course I already know that. But knowledge doesn’t always thwart a feeling. I want to write a certain character. But I just ****ing can’t and... I've talked about this to my friends. They said things about typical artist block remedies and about how.. I don’t know, writing can be difficult and whatnot. But that’s not my problem, and it never has been, at least not yet. Don't have ideas? Nope, got plenty of those. Confidence issues with the way you write? Not really. It all just comes down to... writing and thinking about a certain character makes me so uncomfortable. Talking about them in regular conversation isn’t so hard, but still in the very back of my mind there’s just that lingering feeling. And I want it to go away.' it's a little thing i call character anxiety, but i have no idea what it is or why it's happening __________________ it's okay to not be okay |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817
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#2
I'm so sorry, kuru Is this fanfiction private or do you plan to show it to others? Perhaps you're just afraid of being judged. You're already judging yourself before even writing it. This kind of things can happens. Do you have low self-confidende or self-esteem? Perhaps that could be the cause. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help.. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're for you to support you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: TN
Posts: 40
5 18 hugs
given |
#3
Quote:
i really, really wanted to post it online and show it to others in regards to self esteem... i dont really have high self esteem, but its not really that low. im just kinda "eh" about myself. i dont really know about my self confidence, all i know is just that i wanted to write a story and show it to people, regardless if it was bad or not, because i know i can improve with time and patience. and no, i dont see a therapist. this has been a thing since i was a kid. and at first it wasnt really that bad. i was really into this show called tmnt, and of course i had a favorite character. i remember sometimes i would do things to try and "impress" him, i guess, because it always felt like i was being watched by him. and a lot of my actions i think are kind of dictated by that. nowadays it's not a specific character or person, just an entity that's constantly in the back of my mind. it's so unbelievably weird. __________________ it's okay to not be okay |
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