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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 09:23 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I know, right?? I think i finally raised my self-esteem enough to admit THATS who i want for my avatar. Not so off-topic, i was thinking, now i leave the house when i - lee van cleef! - want to, and i dont worry about not meeting someone else's standards. Even if it means i miss funerals.
That's awesome!
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Talking Apr 16, 2019 at 09:36 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
A thousand times YAY for going out! I was thinking about you today as I debated in my mind whether I should go out for a walk. I didn't. But I looked out the windows.

You guys are definitely not alone...agoraphobia can come in waves. It was very severe for me 20 years ago. Now I understand it as an anxiety that has grown to a point where it takes over logic. Kind of like you are on a tight rope and you have "whatever you do, don't look down!" repeating in your mind. You might even close your eyes. Then one day open them, look down, and the ground is just inches away after all.

Last weekend I had to go to a mall. At all times I avoid malls. I made my husband take me and I really wanted to just order the thing I needed online. Anyway...we went. I bought the thing. And then 2 days later when I tried it on, it was the wrong size. UUUUUUGGGHHHHHH. I actually considered not saying anything, and not doing anything about it. Then I looked online (where I normally shop) and thought about just buying a new one in the right size. My husband wound up taking me again...I literally said, "Bye (store), see you never again."

LOL. It sounds crazy. But this is the struggle. Right? Something fritzy in us that is powerful. But we are even more powerful.

Small goals. Small things to prove to ourselves that we can. It doesn't mean we always will. But it means that compassion and acceptance are the keys to getting outside...


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Hi! I am so happy to hear that you remember me.
What a very wise thing to say " Small goals. Small things to prove to ourselves that we can. It doesn't mean we always will. But it means that compassion and acceptance are the keys to getting outside...


I don't like going to the mall too. But when I really need something, like for a trip, I go to one particular store, check online first, then try the outfits in person. We also have in common "the no willing to return whatever goes wrong to the store" .
I have to push myself to do so, help me to think that I can find something better .... that I can be like everybody else and return my things.

I didn't have agoraphobia before. I was isolating myself for time to time with depression, but I didn't get to this point when for five months my house is the only place I am comfortable to be, day after day I enclose myself in this world of loneliness.

I am a fighter like all of you! We are brave because we live with something no many have to face every single day. Small goals, one day at the time, we keep walking together. Hugs

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Heart Apr 16, 2019 at 11:29 PM
  #23
I get it!
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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
I get it!
I am glad you did

I am devastated, just talked with my older son, we are all survivor of his father emotional abuse. We forgive him but not forget.

I have PTSD because of everything my ex-husband did to me.

One of the reasons I am so afraid is because of that trauma. I have agoraphobia because the world wasn't a safe place for me for many, many years.

I know we should only focus on the present. But at the moment, these feelings of the hanger against him, sadness and real pain for what he had done to us, depression because I never was able to win that battle against him, anxiety because I had been in therapy for years and years and the PTSD still there as a shadow that makes my life so difficult.

I am amazed, that with all that going on I still have hope for better days, I still find a way to laugh and most important I have my sons and my new husband with me.

I will try to drive to the gym on Friday. That is my next goal.
What is yours?

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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 06:51 PM
  #25
Hope2010 I started to laugh because I thought your last line said "I will try to drive BY the gym..."

I laughed only because that is something I used to do! And I would still consider driving by an accomplishment.

Your post contains the clues you seek.

It starts by stating some valid fears. That you are not alone in those fears. But also not alone.

Recognition of that "fear" of trauma (thinking about it, reliving it, worrying) creates anxiety, which then makes staying home more safe.

Self awareness that it is in the past, and that you are supported now. (Though not blaming yourself, expecting it to magically disappear, etc. Acknowledging the layers.)

Despite all of this, hope for the future.

A declaration that you will make a small goal.

A call to action for us who get it.

Full circle.

I have/had 17 medical appointments this month...so I am using that as my excuse to hibernate at all other times without apologizing.

Someone mentioned this...and it's really important - Literally step a toe out the door. Then, self check. Breathe. Then try a foot. Pull it back. Self check. Breathe. (Like, it's Tuesday, it's sunny out, I am safe and I am going to stick my foot out the door.) Try it! Be playful.

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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 08:55 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Hope2010 I started to laugh because I thought your last line said "I will try to drive BY the gym..."

I laughed only because that is something I used to do! And I would still consider driving by an accomplishment.

Your post contains the clues you seek.

It starts by stating some valid fears. That you are not alone in those fears. But also not alone.

Recognition of that "fear" of trauma (thinking about it, reliving it, worrying) creates anxiety, which then makes staying home more safe.

Self awareness that it is in the past, and that you are supported now. (Though not blaming yourself, expecting it to magically disappear, etc. Acknowledging the layers.)

Despite all of this, hope for the future.

A declaration that you will make a small goal.

A call to action for us who get it.

Full circle.

I have/had 17 medical appointments this month...so I am using that as my excuse to hibernate at all other times without apologizing.

Someone mentioned this...and it's really important - Literally step a toe out the door. Then, self check. Breathe. Then try a foot. Pull it back. Self check. Breathe. (Like, it's Tuesday, it's sunny out, I am safe and I am going to stick my foot out the door.) Try it! Be playful.

FearLess47
First all, thank you for making me laugh

Yes, I think to acknowledge the many reasons I am like this it is a very healthy step forward in my life.

I had been there many times, now is just another circle of depression showing out as agoraphobia.

I know I have to keep going out, drive, try to tolerate to be in doctors appointments, even though they make me so anxious.
To be honest, I can't stand the small talks and the constant feeling that they don't know about my reality, that I am someone trapped in her own house by this illness.

I can't just go to the dentist and say "be aware that this is the first time I am out and about in a week". Maybe, it will be fine to tell them, why should I be ashamed of something I have not control over. I didn't ask to have agoraphobia,

I have to make an appointment for mammography. Another for my primary care doctor. Another one with a physical therapist. Of course the dentist too.

You had been in 17 medical appointments this month. We can say that you win this one!

How was your doctor appointment today? the one for your spine.

I hope that went well. Hugs and thank you for this:
Literally, step a toe out the door. Then, self check. Breathe. Then try a foot. Pull it back. Self-check. Breathe.

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Default Apr 17, 2019 at 11:10 PM
  #27
Hope2010,

Baby steps! But they add up to so much if we keep chipping away at it...I still get struck by periods of agoraphobia. We live in a city and as you mentioned, it can be a blessing to live in the city because you are in the midst of others living their lives. I can walk out the front door and even just walk a block...and inside I am saying Yay me, for participating with life.

We have stairs in our building. I love walking up them. It seems to clear the cobwebs for my brain, especially when I need to get "out" of the house but I don't want to leave the building. I've made it a little ritual. For each flight up I say something I'm grateful for.

Today I had a 9-month post surgery spine xray. I am growing bone! Not a lot. But more than 3 months ago. Baby steps there, too. Tomorrow I have PT. Friday and Saturday will be all day trainings I signed up for when I was feeling better. I am dreading it now. But I always remind myself, "This will be a memory some day."

Next week, 5 appointments. Eeks! I do not going either. Getting there. Parking. The check in progress. Small talk. Lots of staring into my eyes. I find it hard to stay present but again...knowing it will be a memory soon seems to help calm the dread.

We will march through these appointments together!

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Default Apr 18, 2019 at 04:28 PM
  #28
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Originally Posted by FearLess47 View Post
Hope2010,

Baby steps! But they add up to so much if we keep chipping away at it...I still get struck by periods of agoraphobia. We live in a city and as you mentioned, it can be a blessing to live in the city because you are in the midst of others living their lives. I can walk out the front door and even just walk a block...and inside I am saying Yay me, for participating with life.

We have stairs in our building. I love walking up them. It seems to clear the cobwebs for my brain, especially when I need to get "out" of the house but I don't want to leave the building. I've made it a little ritual. For each flight up I say something I'm grateful for.

Today I had a 9-month post surgery spine xray. I am growing bone! Not a lot. But more than 3 months ago. Baby steps there, too. Tomorrow I have PT. Friday and Saturday will be all day trainings I signed up for when I was feeling better. I am dreading it now. But I always remind myself, "This will be a memory some day."

Next week, 5 appointments. Eeks! I do not going either. Getting there. Parking. The check in progress. Small talk. Lots of staring into my eyes. I find it hard to stay present but again...knowing it will be a memory soon seems to help calm the dread.

We will march through these appointments together!

FearLess47
I hope your appointment went well. I am glad to know that you are growing bone and go to Physical Therapist. Baby steps as you said so

You have 5 appointments next week and I didn't call to make appointments yet. I guess will take me a little longer than I was expected.
But as we all know, I have to go, so procrastinating is just delaying the inevitable

I am glad you live in the city. I would be doing the same as you if I was ...
My neighborhood is a typical residential area, it is so beautiful but you don't see people often. When I see them, all are walking they dogs, I don't have any animal ( I can't commit to taking good care of them so I don't ) so I felt so lonely when I walk around the ring of my townhome.

My Therapist said to me, why about thinking in the beauty of the place, look at the trees, the birds, feel the sun .... So, I have to do that again now that spring is finally here in Minnesota where I live. To be honest, I don't want to walk around, it is one of the things that frighten me

One more thing to pass over and do it!

My husband is home today, I am not working, disable that is what I am now, I literally can't work for years now. That is something that I can't overcome. I do accept that it is not my fault. I didn't ask for all these mental illness. But I look at all the other people making a living but I just can not.

Of course, I have to think of "what I can do". That is not a problem at all for me.
My problem is the uncertainty of what is going to happen if my husband can't work anymore. How Am I going to help us?

So now, with agoraphobia, I feel more helpless than usually.

Because of that, I keep myself very busy to "Be Present".
With that attitude, I can pass the hours without feeling so miserable.

If someone else passes by, please leave your comment. We are all in this together.

FearLess47, I am having you in my thoughts, sending you good vibes so you can have a good evening after your day out at the doctor's appointment.

We will march through these appointments together!

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Default Apr 18, 2019 at 07:42 PM
  #29
Love this, Hope2010! Even though I would never wish any of this on anyone...I understand. I'm still working on the guilt and shame of being "this way"...I know it hinders my progress sometimes and I am so hard on myself inside. My outsides don't match with my insides at all.

My appointment got canceled this morning! So I did not leave the house. I did sit on the deck for a few minutes to watch the 5PM traffic and "be in the world."

FearLess47 <---trying to take my own advice
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Default Apr 19, 2019 at 11:25 PM
  #30
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Love this, Hope2010! Even though I would never wish any of this on anyone...I understand. I'm still working on the guilt and shame of being "this way"...I know it hinders my progress sometimes and I am so hard on myself inside. My outsides don't match with my insides at all.

My appointment got canceled this morning! So I did not leave the house. I did sit on the deck for a few minutes to watch the 5PM traffic and "be in the world."

FearLess47 <---trying to take my own advice
Hi! I wasn't here yesterday night. I did think about you and your appointment. To bad, it got canceled.

I am very sleepy, tired even in a day like today when I didn't do much.

I definitely have to learn over and over again to love myself.

I think a lot of the past, that is not good at all. I have all these traumatic experience that are like shadows through my days. I have to shake myself from them, be present so I can move forward to one more hour, hours, a day and so on ...

Let's keep walking together
I wish you a very good weekend! Hugs

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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 07:21 PM
  #31
Thank you Hope2010! I wasn't here last night either... I have had my fill of "outings" over the last 2 days with a training amongst 45 other humans. It was all about trauma and mindfulness. It was okay last night, as it was only 3 hours (but I have a hard time driving at night so that was stressful.) Today was 9 hours and wayyyyyyy too long. I reached my wall and could not wait to get home! Funny how "home" can sometimes feel like a trap and sometimes like a sanctuary.

I can very much relate to the past being a constant companion. Awareness is key. We will get through this. Breath by breath.

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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #32
Hi! Going to that training has to be good. Even though, I have to agree on the 9 hours being too long. I will try to see my therapist soon. It is all about being able to drive there, just thinking about it makes me anxious. But sooner or later I will get there. Otherwise, I will be stuck in my own thought and fears. She is really good, helped me a lot and I am sure she will recommend some kind of exposure therapist for sure.

Awareness is key! But we have to use the right tools to cope with the shadows from the past. That much I know ...

I wish you a very good week ahead. Hugs
Breath by breath

ps. I feel like I am not able to say all I want to say, I am in a stage of numbness because today is Easter and I miss my family so very much. This too shall pass.

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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 04:55 PM
  #33
If you have agoraphobia, please join the conversation. We are not alone

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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 08:21 PM
  #34
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Hi! Going to that training has to be good. Even though, I have to agree on the 9 hours being too long. I will try to see my therapist soon. It is all about being able to drive there, just thinking about it makes me anxious. But sooner or later I will get there. Otherwise, I will be stuck in my own thought and fears. She is really good, helped me a lot and I am sure she will recommend some kind of exposure therapist for sure.

Awareness is key! But we have to use the right tools to cope with the shadows from the past. That much I know ...

I wish you a very good week ahead. Hugs
Breath by breath

ps. I feel like I am not able to say all I want to say, I am in a stage of numbness because today is Easter and I miss my family so very much. This too shall pass.
I understand. One breath at a time...
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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 01:05 AM
  #35
I feel so bad for you and you don't deserve to live your life like this.I hope that u get the treatment that you need. Put it in your mind that you are not gonna let anxiety take your life away from you.Slowly by surely take small steps to getting out the house .it feels so good to be outside. Stand outside for 1 or 2 minutes and work your way up.
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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 03:14 PM
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I feel so bad for you and you don't deserve to live your life like this.I hope that u get the treatment that you need. Put it in your mind that you are not gonna let anxiety take your life away from you.Slowly by surely take small steps to getting out the house .it feels so good to be outside. Stand outside for 1 or 2 minutes and work your way up.
Thank you so much! I needed to hear this, you are right no one deserves to live the way I am living right now. I am in treatment, it is just don't working at the time. Comes and goes, it is a vicious circle.

But what matter is the present, I am not well. I just canceled an appointment for tomorrow. I was so terrified to have to drive, to leave the house, that I failed badly. I canceled

Because of this failure, I am determined to go out tomorrow. I will go to the supermarket no matter what, I will be going!

You are so right, my life is just miserable. I have everything else, I have so much, the love of my husband, children, and family that is being rich.

Miserable about my mental health. Rich in spirituality.

Thanks again, hugs

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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 03:17 PM
  #37
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I understand. One breath at a time...
Thank you

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Default Apr 23, 2019 at 07:17 AM
  #38
I feel so miserable. I am trying to be positive but it's hard! I relate to you, Hope, and FearLess. I see a few therapists and they say I will get better. But I just went off Celexa because it didn't help at all. I'm depressed because of the anxiety, or maybe anxious because I'm depressed! This anxiety is debilitating!

I'm supposed to visit my daughter and family (have a lot of grandchildren) in another state. A few hours in car. Going with other daughter and family. I want to go so badly but I'm so anxious! This is in a few days. Therapists say to go! My doctor says to go! I also have sciatic pain from spinal stenosis. One breath at a time is a good idea! It's hard though.
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Default Apr 23, 2019 at 10:25 AM
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I feel so miserable. I am trying to be positive but it's hard! I relate to you, Hope, and FearLess. I see a few therapists and they say I will get better. But I just went off Celexa because it didn't help at all. I'm depressed because of the anxiety, or maybe anxious because I'm depressed! This anxiety is debilitating!

I'm supposed to visit my daughter and family (have a lot of grandchildren) in another state. A few hours in car. Going with other daughter and family. I want to go so badly but I'm so anxious! This is in a few days. Therapists say to go! My doctor says to go! I also have sciatic pain from spinal stenosis. One breath at a time is a good idea! It's hard though.
rainbow8,
It is good that you are sharing all of these fears! Why? Because when we share them we give them space to dissipate. And for others to say, "Ugh I hate when I feel that way" and "Me too." Change your goggles for the trip...(even if just for one moment.) Turn them into "adventure" goggles rather than fear goggles. Be curious. Look around. Count the things you see that you wouldn't have seen if you stayed home. Listen for laughter. Tiny moments. Those are your threads to grab onto....


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Default Apr 23, 2019 at 11:38 AM
  #40
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rainbow8,
It is good that you are sharing all of these fears! Why? Because when we share them we give them space to dissipate. And for others to say, "Ugh I hate when I feel that way" and "Me too." Change your goggles for the trip...(even if just for one moment.) Turn them into "adventure" goggles rather than fear goggles. Be curious. Look around. Count the things you see that you wouldn't have seen if you stayed home. Listen for laughter. Tiny moments. Those are your threads to grab onto....


FearLess47
FearLess, you are amazing! Thank you so much for your response. I had to check your profile to see if you are a therapist! I am lying in bed with an ice pack because 30 minutes of aqua therapy wore me out. It's only 10 minutes from my house but was stressful. I usually feel light headed and weak. I took my blood pressure and blood sugar. Normal. I used to be prediabetic so when I feel shaky I still check my blood sugar. So... I will try to think adventure rather than fear.

I am seeing a CBT therapist for my pain and anxiety and I am trying to change my automatic negative thoughts to more positive ones. Does CBT really help anxiety? I'm also doing biofeedback which shows I need to breathe slower and deeper. These questions are for anyone reading this. Thanks.
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