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Old 04-14-2019, 08:58 AM #1
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Default being late

I have a great deal of anxiety when it is clear I am going to be late. Multiply that tenfold when I am not in control of the situation; when my being late comes at the cause, ineptitude, or lack of caring by someone else.

I don't get ticked at my boyfriend very often but I sure did yesterday. First off he commandeered my thing and made it his own. Worse he did so at the last minute which caused a ripple down effect making us late.

We had a sporting function to got to in which my step-niece was a featured participant. I know she and my brother were counting on my being there to cheer her on. I had made a promise I would be there.

At the last minute, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to invite his grandson along to watch the sporting event. This really irked me as we were already cutting into my desired itinerary. We arrived at the boy's home and he wasn't ready to go. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. By the time we had the boy in tow we were already late. And then my boyfriend announces we need to go to the bank. Never mind was my input, we can use debit or the ATM while there. But that costs extra money so we wasted more time driving out of our way so he could go to his bank and save a two dollar ATM fee. We arrived 15 minutes late - to a half hour sporting function.

I was livid! I was humiliated. My brother and his step-daughter were counting on me to be there. I had let them down. And, of course, I was overly concerned about what people would think of me. I get all panicky about this feeling all eyes are me with everyone in a state of disgust and going tsk, tsk. I get incredibly anxious that people are thinking ill of me - that they are assuming I have not cared.

I hate it when this happens. How dare people do this. The message I get is that they don't care, that I mean nothing.
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Old 04-14-2019, 02:25 PM #2
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Default Re: being late

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this, WishfulThinker66! I completely understand what you mean! It's VERY hard to deal with all of this and it sucks when it happens, ESPECIALLY when you know it wasn't your fault to begin with! Did anyone actually tell you anything or scold you for coming late or was it just you feeling anxious? Either way, it's certainly NOT a pleasent experience! If anyone DOES ask you anything about it, I think it's just fair for you to just be honest with them and tell them what happened! Hopefully they'll understand that it wasn't your fault and that you did everything you could to come as soon as you can! Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Does he know how anxious and upset that made you feel? I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Make him understand that you did NOT like how he behaved and that you've been feeling VERY anxious and upset because of all of this and that was something that was VERY important for you! Hopefully he'll listeno to what you have to say and understand what you mean! Hopefully he'll try to do better next time! Can I ask you how is your relationship with him otherwsie? Does he respect you? Do you both get along with each others? I know this isn't what you've asked. These are just some thoughts that you may want to think about, if you WANT of course! If these questions are bothering you, I immensely apologize to you and feel free to ignore them completely! Either way, please remember that it WASN'T your fault and that you did everything you could! That's what matters! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm sure you know that already but please keep repeating yourself that everytime you're feeling anxious or if you're having ANY doubts about yourself! You didn't let anyone down because you've tried your best to be there as soon as you possibly could! That's all we humans can do and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, WishfulThinker66!
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Old 04-15-2019, 11:16 AM #3
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Default Re: being late

Thanks for your kind reply MickeyCheeky. All that you've said is valid and valuable.

You are right, no one actually said anything about my being late other than my brother asking if everything was alright. I still felt like everyone's eyes were upon me. That is how my mind always operates.

Had we been on time - had it been me in control I would have had us all seated well before the event - I wouldn't have had to go through this anguish. Not to mention too that I wouldn't have let anyone down.

I did as you suggested talk to my boyfriend and let him know I found his actions difficult for me. I told him it was not only unfair to me but to the people that were counting on me. I told him I wished to avoid this from happening again and how important it was to think ahead and form plans. He took this all in but I could tell he didn't appreciate my nagging I suppose. But I closed the conversation with a, "So we are in agreement that in the future we will try to plan better."

This was difficult for me as I shy away from confrontation at all costs.

Before this thread gets moved into the relationships section I would really like to hear from others who've had similar experiences and feelings about being late - at someone else's hand or their own/

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this, WishfulThinker66! I completely understand what you mean! It's VERY hard to deal with all of this and it sucks when it happens, ESPECIALLY when you know it wasn't your fault to begin with! Did anyone actually tell you anything or scold you for coming late or was it just you feeling anxious? Either way, it's certainly NOT a pleasent experience! If anyone DOES ask you anything about it, I think it's just fair for you to just be honest with them and tell them what happened! Hopefully they'll understand that it wasn't your fault and that you did everything you could to come as soon as you can! Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Does he know how anxious and upset that made you feel? I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Make him understand that you did NOT like how he behaved and that you've been feeling VERY anxious and upset because of all of this and that was something that was VERY important for you! Hopefully he'll listeno to what you have to say and understand what you mean! Hopefully he'll try to do better next time! Can I ask you how is your relationship with him otherwsie? Does he respect you? Do you both get along with each others? I know this isn't what you've asked. These are just some thoughts that you may want to think about, if you WANT of course! If these questions are bothering you, I immensely apologize to you and feel free to ignore them completely! Either way, please remember that it WASN'T your fault and that you did everything you could! That's what matters! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm sure you know that already but please keep repeating yourself that everytime you're feeling anxious or if you're having ANY doubts about yourself! You didn't let anyone down because you've tried your best to be there as soon as you possibly could! That's all we humans can do and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, WishfulThinker66!
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Old 04-16-2019, 08:20 PM #4
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Default Re: being late

Iím very sorry this happened. This exact same thing hasnít happened to me but the feeling of anxiety, panic, feeling that people are making wrong assumptions about me and are looking at me and thinking of me with disgust... because of something completely out of my control... Iím sorry your boyfriend behaved this way. I would have felt similar to you in that situation. I think you handled it very well, and how you spoke to him later was respectful. (Iím not judging whether or not he deserved respect in this situation)
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Old 04-17-2019, 04:21 AM #5
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Default Re: being late

I cant deal with being late- I hate it! I am obsessively early to things.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:07 AM #6
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Default Re: being late

I am often late, but yes, this would have been very hard on me. Its one thing for me to do it to myself, but for someone else to, idk. Do you think he was trying to teach you a lesson? I have had family members try to teach me a lesson by doing or saying things back to me which they felt insulted by (but not necessarily HURT by? Idk), when i did them first, like being late, or not offering to share something. Foolish me, i dont usually make the connection until a few years later (seriously!). So these little feuds can drag on for literally years.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:28 AM #7
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Default Re: being late

In general, I havenít had any stress about being late to things. But I relate to and feel your pain about struggles for respect and control with family.

I might have derailed the whole day, in your situation, and ended up having a crying fit. See, I would have pleaded with him to not go to the ATM, telling him off over the two dollar savings and how I need to get to that game. Then he would have been all angry and pouty. Then I would have had a melt down because we were all stressed out and angry...then the tears and melt down.

If he does hear you and help to avoid this kind of stressful situation for you in the future that is amazingly great! I hope that happens for you. For me, it has been a lifetime of this kind of struggle dynamic with husband, who just doesnít get it.

You did right by being tolerant and then using very logical truthful words. If you have a SO who can listen to you and hear you, this should help greatly.
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:32 AM #8
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Default Re: being late

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I am often late, but yes, this would have been very hard on me. Its one thing for me to do it to myself, but for someone else to, idk. Do you think he was trying to teach you a lesson? I have had family members try to teach me a lesson by doing or saying things back to me which they felt insulted by (but not necessarily HURT by? Idk), when i did them first, like being late, or not offering to share something. Foolish me, i dont usually make the connection until a few years later (seriously!). So these little feuds can drag on for literally years.
The thought this was a 'lesson' hadn't even occurred to me. Frankly I don't feel he was thinking anything at all. He isn't a vindictive person.
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:26 AM #9
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Default Re: being late

Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
I have a great deal of anxiety when it is clear I am going to be late. Multiply that tenfold when I am not in control of the situation; when my being late comes at the cause, ineptitude, or lack of caring by someone else.

I don't get ticked at my boyfriend very often but I sure did yesterday. First off he commandeered my thing and made it his own. Worse he did so at the last minute which caused a ripple down effect making us late.

We had a sporting function to got to in which my step-niece was a featured participant. I know she and my brother were counting on my being there to cheer her on. I had made a promise I would be there.

At the last minute, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to invite his grandson along to watch the sporting event. This really irked me as we were already cutting into my desired itinerary. We arrived at the boy's home and he wasn't ready to go. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. By the time we had the boy in tow we were already late. And then my boyfriend announces we need to go to the bank. Never mind was my input, we can use debit or the ATM while there. But that costs extra money so we wasted more time driving out of our way so he could go to his bank and save a two dollar ATM fee. We arrived 15 minutes late - to a half hour sporting function.

I was livid! I was humiliated. My brother and his step-daughter were counting on me to be there. I had let them down. And, of course, I was overly concerned about what people would think of me. I get all panicky about this feeling all eyes are me with everyone in a state of disgust and going tsk, tsk. I get incredibly anxious that people are thinking ill of me - that they are assuming I have not cared.

I hate it when this happens. How dare people do this. The message I get is that they don't care, that I mean nothing.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this.I care about you .People with mental illness's always get picked on it seems.I am always concerned what people think of me.Like geez is there something wrong with me? No I just have a chemical imbalance in the brain for me it really makes things worse.I hope things get better for you if you need to talk I will be here for you
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Old 04-20-2019, 08:16 AM #10
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Default Re: being late

A full week has gone by and I certainly feel less hurt by the incident. Oh I doubt the disappointment will disappear but I am chalking this one up to being an idiot. He certainly didn't set out to purposely be a jerk or be mean to me. He at one point in response to my raising the issue seemed honestly shocked and said, "I did not realise this was such a problem for you..." Not exactly an apology though, as he followed that up with, "You should have said something." That's right, put the responsibility on the matter back on my own head - which was exactly what I was worried people would assume - that it is all my fault.
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