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Mgsd89
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Trig Jun 14, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #1
My job involves being armed
Possible trigger:
I start getting very anxious when I have the thoughts because I truly don’t want to die. I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I think this started about a year ago and comes and goes. Any incite to the cause would be appreciated. Closest I can compare the feeling to is the urge to jump off a high place but not actually wanting to do it.

Last edited by atisketatasket; Jun 14, 2019 at 07:23 PM.. Reason: added triggers
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 08:46 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mgsd89 View Post
My job involves being armed
Possible trigger:
I start getting very anxious when I have the thoughts because I truly don’t want to die. I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I think this started about a year ago and comes and goes. Any incite to the cause would be appreciated. Closest I can compare the feeling to is the urge to jump off a high place but not actually wanting to do it.

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I am sorry that you have to work with a gun. It would increase the temptation tenfold. Maybe try and change the thoughts about the gun. The gun is for work purposes - nothing more. You are safe from yourself and the gun. Do you think it might be good to check in with a therapist to see what is going on for you?
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 08:58 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mgsd89 View Post
My job involves being armed
Possible trigger:
I start getting very anxious when I have the thoughts because I truly don’t want to die. I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I think this started about a year ago and comes and goes. Any incite to the cause would be appreciated. Closest I can compare the feeling to is the urge to jump off a high place but not actually wanting to do it.
Great question! I'm no expert but it sounds like a manifestation of anxiety. I get such thoughts....I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I notice I often get those sorts of thoughts either out of nowhere or when I'm very stressed and have no intention of harming myself. You could certainly talk it over with a therapist but I think it's very important to remember that thoughts are just thoughts. Very different from behaviors or attempts. You may also like to try guided meditation for letting go of unpleasant thoughts etc. See YouTube.

Do you have a safe friend you can tell? Sometimes when I tell my other half an odd thought in my mind, it's much easier to let go of it.

Peace to you
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 09:02 PM
  #4
One more thought from a different angle. How do you feel about your job and the fact that your are armed? I mean deep down in your soul....does that lie right with your personal value system? The anxious thoughts may or may not be a manifestation from your Self that you are not actually at peace with that sort or work. I'm not saying that must be so. Just an idea to consider.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 01:46 AM
  #5
carrying a firearm for work is a huge burden and responsibility. been there, done that. the pressure to always make the right decision can be and is a huge burden. doing so while having a mental illness is a double one. for me the key was knowing my position at work inside and out. the duties and responsibilities. ice cold. making sure I had all the training I was ever offered and then some...so deep inside I knew I was prepared for what ever incident I encountered.

as for the mental health aspect...get a good therapist..especially one that understands working with law enforcement officers. law enforcement is a whole different ball game. sometimes non-LE types just do not get it, and in times of crisis will not be able to offer you the type of assistance you really need. reacting to a instantaneous shoot/no shoot situation takes a special person and a special therapist to wade thru all the after thoughts. ptsd as a cop is a whole different ball game.

it's hard to deal with those feelings. I hear you. been there. talk to others who work with you. develop a trust. use the eap program. one of the goals of the job is to go home at night. in one piece. mentally and physically..it's hard..really hard sometimes..we see so much, do so much..stuff others should never see...and it is difficult because most you can not explain to your non-LE friends (either because it's part of a case or because no one will want to hear about how gruesome it really was...)

can't say it enough...get a good therapist. talk to your partner. on off days try to do something away from the job...give yourself a break. you can survive..it's hard. it's ok to ask for a break. too many cop's suicide because they don't ask for help...1 more is too many.

reach out buddy, reach out. I've got your back if you need.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 06:57 PM
  #6
It could be the beginnings of a OCD issue. I often have impulses to jerk the wheel when people are driving. I dont want to die and I certaintly dont want to die in a car accident. Anxiety wells up inside me that I may do it though. I also used to get very anxious feelings similar to yours just a different route but same fear. That I would act on that impulse without really wanting to. The best thing to do is kind of imagine that fear going up in a balloon and popping. If you try not to think about it your brain will start to dwell on it and if you give it to much attention it will just be like a broken record going over and over again. The best thing to do is notice it, acknowledge it, then see it go up in a balloon poop and go away.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 09:54 PM
  #7
it's different when you carry a firearm for work. a whole different set of issues...much different then any other profession....the stress of holding the power of just making a wrong split second decision that could kill another person can eat at you. couple that with the power of having access to a weapon if you have depression etc...well, unless you have been there you can not imagine. ptsd is very strong. something like 3 nypd officers have suicided in 9 days. that is why I urge those in the profession to seek a therapist, eap, etc. let others in...don't be alone with the issues...this isn't a profession you can muscle thru alone.

it's not something you can just "will away" or not think about....unless you have been down this road you can't understand.

again Mgsd89, you need, message me . I got your back.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 10:36 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by resurgam View Post
it's different when you carry a firearm for work. a whole different set of issues...much different then any other profession....the stress of holding the power of just making a wrong split second decision that could kill another person can eat at you. couple that with the power of having access to a weapon if you have depression etc...well, unless you have been there you can not imagine. ptsd is very strong. something like 3 nypd officers have suicided in 9 days. that is why I urge those in the profession to seek a therapist, eap, etc. let others in...don't be alone with the issues...this isn't a profession you can muscle thru alone.

it's not something you can just "will away" or not think about....unless you have been down this road you can't understand.

again Mgsd89, you need, message me . I got your back.
Resurgam, I think it's wonderful that you have shared your own relevant experience and reached out here in a way the rest of us cannot. Peace to you
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 04:07 AM
  #9
I don't have much more to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, Mgsd89! Definitely try to reach out to a therapist to deal with these thoughts! If you feel like you can't handle it, perhaps you may want to look for another, safer job? I understand it's not easy. I DO believe that your safety must be the priority though! Let us know if you're able to find a solution and what you decide to do, ok? WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself! Wish you the best of luck in your career and in your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Mgsd89!
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