Anxiety Causing Disturbance

I’m having so much anxiety over my son’s hurtful choices moving toward his wedding. I’m not sleeping well. I am trying to say nothing negative to him. He doesn’t care what we feel or do anyway.

So the kid I loved as much as anyone could ever love someone, with all my heart and soul, has turned out to not be a loving person to us, his parents.

I can’t even bring myself to think about him as he is right now, or remember him as he was (as I thought he was?). Did I miss seeing signs?

There’s really nothing for me to have to do. I only have to book a restaurant for a rehearsal dinner. No big deal. Easy to do.

I already rsvp’d ‘no’ to her bridal shower because I was completely disrespected. No confrontation from me, just a simple refusal, my right, my boundary. If it alarms her and her family to be obvious that I don’t like her then good, I don’t!

There’s nothing more for me to have to do, so I should just try to stop reeling and relax. We plan to attend the wedding and my h told my son we plan to attend ‘as guests’, as that’s how we have been treated.

The ‘big’ day is still a few months away. The anxiety is killing me.

Ya know - i did everything my mother wanted for my wedding. And the bridal shower. I didnt even want to marry the guy, and my parents told me i couldnt change my mind. I look back now, reading stuff like weddingbee and about bridezillas, and im kinda mad. That was SUPPOSED to be my time, my decision, my life. It wasnt my life. It hasnt felt like my life until recently. I know you dont want that kind of dissociation for your son.

I do feel bad for MIL, because she was pretty religious, and this was her favorite son, and i know she wanted better for him (than ultimate divorce). But he was pretty prideful, and honestly now i am surprised he went through with the wedding - i thought he knew better, but i really think his pride got the better of him.

So - is your son being prideful, or committing any other of the major sins? He needs to cleave unto her now.

My cousin's son (another cousin, i literally have a million of them) made a very big deal of spurning his parents and praising his new inlaws at the wedding banquet - it was, as we say would today, heretofore unpresidented in our experience! But i wonder if the groom felt disenfranchised in his life as i did.

Why do you feel personally disrespected by your son's choices? Why should your preferences override his? In anything? If you like chocolate, cant he like strawberry, or is chocolate inherently better and he is simply wrong?

I’m so sorry you married a man you didn’t even want to marry. I can see how you could have gotten railroaded into doing that.

In a way, I got pushed into marrying and living a traditional lifestyle, too. I’m not sure what I really, truly wanted. But, I whole-heartedly embraced the idea and the man.

My son decided to make a big decision that really denounces us. That’s the biggest issue here. And we’ve been trying to overlook it and just be whatever he wants us to be.

Then there has been nothing but rude, hurtful dis’ coming from his fiancé. This last one was to exclude inviting a few family members/friends from our side, who I asked her to invite, and she refused. The shower is at a home. The invitations were by evite. I was forwarded the email by the hostess that said she wanted to invite as many women as possible, but when I asked for these few, I was told no.

It’s just been slap after slap about little things like this. His fiancé is making it very clear she doesn’t care about making any good feelings toward her future MIL.

So I simply rsvp’d ‘no’. And the only reaction there has been to it was an email from the hostess (her aunt) politely phrased to say ‘we are sorry you are not coming, you can reconsider’. I never met this woman. I did not hear from my son, his fiancé, or her mother at all and probably won’t. No one is sorry I am not coming.

It’s just this kind of tone with them. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Up until now, I have been very gracious.

I’m so sad it turned sour with my son. I hate that this all is happening. We’ve had nothing but great love and good experiences as parents with our kids, and them as siblings. I wish it hadn’t all gone south.

Wow, thats just plain weird. I think i would have taken it as who do you want to invite also, but i guess they didnt mean it that way? But the way things are going, i hope they dont expect the grooms side to throw a bridal shower!

Well, its the young marrieds way or the highway. At least hes healthy and working and getting married. Thats a miracle in itself these days.

Right. I took it to mean like they wanted me to include some women from our side, so I did. Would it have killed them to just send the lousy invites to those few emails because I asked instead of embarrassing me and giving me a slap? I thought it might have been a nice, bonding occasion where I might start to feel better about this Bridezilla...no dice.

I am proud that he is doing as well as he is. I took Divine’s advice and gave him all his own bills to pay, as we had been paying his phone and insurance.

Yes, it’s the bride’s day, but not everything is totally about her to the pain of everyone else.

My wedding was nothing like ‘my day’. There was one thing I insisted on going against what my mother wanted in order to not offend my in-laws, and I never heard the end of it from my mom!

I’m doing alright with this issue; not making it worse, keeping my distance. The ruminating anxiety is very hard for me. I’m just suffering in my own mind on this, as usual.

Note to self:
Remove yourself from stressors that cause you to panic. Preventing a panic attack can be as straightforward as getting yourself out of a situation that you know will cause you to panic. So, try to avoid locations and encounters that you know will cause you to feel anxiety and panic. Stay away from panic-inducing triggers whenever it's within your control.

Sadly, for me, those stressors are my so-called loved ones, who really aren’t. But, this is my new plan. I have to just avoid the stressors. The anxiety and rumination is too much for me.

So at the next thing thrown at me, I will just step back and not respond until I can carefully compose simply placing a boundary.

No more getting fooled that they are going to be kind, so I don’t get hurt when they aren’t.

There are many people with whom I have never had an issue. Just putting that out there. Some people are truly loving and kind and others aren’t. It’s not anything I did. I need to protect myself because the rumination from anxiety is too much for me. I do eventually heal and am once again at peace, but then it seems like some new doozy gets flung at me.

Be nice to me or leave me alone.