Am I enabling my mental illness?

Hi. I recently posted a few weeks ago about my (recently developed) debilitating phobia of choking. Really it’s to the point it’s a full blown swallowing fear. I fear even liquids might go down the wrong pipe. This fear is utterly contradictory to my life experiences with food. I adore cooking and eating, and up until 2 months ago was a lifelong overeater. I have never choked on anything before. This fear developed in mere seconds where I felt I couldn’t swallow.

I’ve been to doctors who have assured me there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me. I am on my second therapist who is doing EMDR therapy on me, and I have a lot of faith in in this treatment. I’m only three sessions in but I’ve noticed some improvements on my overall anxiety since then. I saw a talk therapist who didn’t help much before her and a hypnotist one time and that didn’t have a huge impact long term either.

I have read non-stop about this phobia and anxiety in general searching for the perfect recipe to fix this issue and many experts have said speech therapists can help get people comfortable with textures again. At this point I’m living off of smoothies and protein shakes and can only eat small amounts of chips, cheese, chocolate and cookies comfortably.

I also recently purchased CBD oil because I’m scared to take my medication, and now I’m scared to take the CBD oil due to my past negative experiences with being high. My boyfriend has told me he thinks I’m searching for the next best thing constantly and don’t give myself time for anything to work. But my anxiety very VERY intensely has been convinced the last methods just don’t work and I have no more time to waste.

Overall, I am aware I’ve went off the deep end. I know I’m psyching myself out and haven’t given anything a chance yet. My boyfriend and my doctor have said they think I should be patient and trust the process, but I have this fear I’m not doing the right thing. I don’t want to prolong this issue any further. That said, I have an appointment with a speech therapist who deals with texture aversion. I found hope in the mere act of making that appointment but my boyfriend, my therapist and my doctor seem disappointed and worry I’m enabling the issue.

I would love to know opinions of those who suffered and recovered from a phobia before. Am I enabling my anxiety even further? If I’m truly terrified of the texture of certain foods and feel I’m forgetting how to eat properly should I go through with the ST? I’m going to continue EMDR therapy too. I just have this image of myself choking the moment I try to swallow tougher textures, and fear I don’t remember how to. I feel like reassurance from a doctor would fix that. I also feel like controlled desensitization would help me make progress much faster.

Or should I trust the fact that my body knows how to swallow and eat properly and will do that as soon as I address the fear more deeply?

Sorry for all the repetition and rambling. I’m in a very anxious place where I don’t trust anyone or even myself.

I mean, we know practicing is good, and exposure is good. But it's hard to do. Easier to go after a goal right now (getting away from fear) than a goal in the future (stop being afraid), because that is how we're hardwired for survival.

So we have to really pat ourselves on the back when we practice because we go against human nature, and that is hard.

I used to fear spiders. A lot! It's just luck I was cured. I was terrified even of the smallest of them. Then one summer that was very wet, huge wolf spiders started coming inside. After they went away, I realized they were so awful I wasn't afraid of small or normal sized spiders anymore. But ugh, the feeling of not knowing where the spider was, couldn't relax before it was located and killed. These days the big ones are rare and the small ones don't bother me. Weird but very nice.

When we take things to the conscious it's like we lose auto pilot. Then the task actually gets difficult. Like when people tell me to focus on my breathing to relax. I try, but I overfocus and I bread like only on purpose and I overthink and at the end I start to panic because I don't know if I'm breathing too much or too little.

Then I really have to distract myself. I fill my brain with other things so I can stop focusing on breathing. After a while I feel better. Now I know thinking about breathing is a bad idea for me. But we have to eat. I'm sure it is possible to take the drama out of it, but phobia training isn't really what I'm good at. But I think going slowly is better than going nowhere. And that practicing should be rewarded somehow.

Just try to focus on enjoying the food like you use to.Try not to think about choking.I also have been fearful of swallowing pills but I always over come it.I think you are just overthinking. You need to eat some solid foods though sorry that u are going through this.

I think it's a good idea to continue with the EMDR T and to see a speech therapist. Also, why are you afraid to take the meds? Is it the swallowing? The side effects?