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Default Sep 02, 2019 at 07:42 AM
  #1
So, I've had an epiphany of sorts. I have really strange intrusive thoughts and visualizations at times, and this was no different. And as I held myself over the sink with the hot water running below, washing away the morning anxiety and vomit, realized that in most video games I play, as in anything else, if I sense that I am losing, or have already lost, I get bored and turn it off, rest it, or just don't play it anymore.

I have that same sense about life, and I think the OCPD and PTSD and depression and everything else are just my way of no longer playing anymore because there's no point. I'm bored with it, and my points are too far in the red to get them back to zero.

One doesn't make efforts towards a goal that is unobtainable, and tricking oneself into thinking it is obtainable is just that, a trick, and one of the lowest and meanest sort because it denies the truth.
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 07:21 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves View Post
So, I've had an epiphany of sorts. I have really strange intrusive thoughts and visualizations at times, and this was no different. And as I held myself over the sink with the hot water running below, washing away the morning anxiety and vomit, realized that in most video games I play, as in anything else, if I sense that I am losing, or have already lost, I get bored and turn it off, rest it, or just don't play it anymore.

Putting away a video game when you feel defeated is natural. Are you able to revisit the game later after you’ve had time to cool down and reflect a little? Once you sort it all out and figure out exactly what you need, you can try again.

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I have that same sense about life, and I think the OCPD and PTSD and depression and everything else are just my way of no longer playing anymore because there's no point.
If a game ceases to be fun, then I agree, there is no point in playing. What is it about your life that is causing you to quit or reset? OCPD won’t allow you to fail? My belief is, there is always more than one way to achieve success -In a video game, possibly not. But in life there is so much undetermined that your attitude can make a world of difference.

My take is this. Is it possible your PTSD is causing intrusive thoughts that keep your mind from sorting out good obsessions from bad ones? Are those thoughts what is stopping your mind from seeing how those two places can meet in compromise.

Try treating your stress and trauma first. Work on everything else later. Please don’t be defeated by the first try of treatment. Please don’t be defeated by failure. PTSD is a trickster in itself, but one that can be overcome with time and support.

Fighting post traumatic stress is a battle but living without overwhelming fear of your past trauma is a totally obtainable goal. Don’t allow your past into your present. Then you have made your unobtainable goal, an obtainable one.

Give yourself a break, for yourself and for those around you. Acknowledgment and acceptance play a role in finding the truth. Try not to be deceived by how false interpretations can effect your life. I hope you do not choose to let your mind trick you into believing your goals are completely unobtainable.
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 08:34 AM
  #3
Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with what the WISE and WONDERFUL AB2731 has already wisely sand wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! Please be kind to yourself! I do believe that there' still Hope for you and that something can still be done. I know you most likely don't believe that, but DO remember that our minds can be REALLY powerful. So yes, please give yourself a break. Do what you can to improve. Taking a walk, practicing some activities or hobbies that you particularly like... anything that can help you is good. Please do consider it. Your Life is important. YOU are important! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down inside you. Please ALWAYS remember that and ALWAYS remember that i'll ALWAYS be here for you and that I'll ALWAYS listen to you and NEVER judge you! THAT'S A PROMISE! Life can stil improve... it starts from little steps and little actions that you can do day by day. I hope things will get better soon for you one way or another. Be kind to yourself, my dear, sweet friend! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need advice and support or even simply someone to talk to or vent to. You know I'll ALWAYS be here for you. THAT'S A PROMISE! Remember that you matter, you're important, you're worth it, you're wise and YOU'RE WONDERFUL! I am SURE plenty of others will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you out as well if you just ask! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Michael2Wolves, your family, your friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking as much as you possibly can like you're already WONDERFULLY doing all and entirely by yourself!
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 05:52 PM
  #4
I'm not sure I can PM anymore. The chat function seems to have vanished. Which is why I no longer go in chatrooms.

The problem, I think, is that for every possible way out of the situation, I can easily find (and I mean my logic speed is just shy of the light barrier) and see all the flaws for that particular method. I can smell losing probabilities the way most people can smell cookies from three houses over, and by losing probabilities, I mean the odds that in any given circumstance. It's part of the Pattern, and the Pattern is mathematically perfect, which means it is impossible to be wrong. Yes, I may be wrong in small aspects of my conception of the Pattern, but the overarching theme is correct.

Life is nothing but a series of probabilities intersected by chance and circumstance. There are odds of anything and everything happening. Nothing is impossible, only highly improbable. Everything is connected. And the Pattern, that universal tree of probability chains, is unbreakable. That is why trying to find a solution is pointless. Any solution I find at this point is likely to have odds so astronomical attached to it (because I've run out of options of better odds) that it might as well be impossible. I have exhausted all possibilities within my reach, which makes me keenly aware when a new wrinkle in the Pattern appears. That wrinkle might take the form of someone walking through the door at work. It might be an opportunity to do something--doesn't matter what. Each of us is born with a Pattern, and external set of probabilities that are the result of every single particle's existence in this universe taking the path they did from the moment of the big bang until now. Star blows its nuclear chunks all over a galaxy 12 billion light years away? Doesn't matter. Already had an influence on our earthly Patterns 12 billion years ago, and now, we just reap the results. Everything is connected. Everyone is connected. Each person's Pattern is unique; some are born with better odds, even if those odds aren't readily apparent, and they are a result of the Pattern's formation. I just happened to have been born with an odds-poor Pattern, which means my Pattern has a higher probability of being distortional rather than synchronous, which means that all the events of my life are shaded by that distortion.

Nothing to be done about it, nothing can change it; we can only adapt and endure. If you suddenly hit the lottery, that's because some alpha particle went up instead of down somewhere in your life. It has nothing to do with character or choice beyond the choices that lead you to be in the place where you could buy that ticket. This is an uncomfortable road because it questions free will. Free will is an illusion generated by the anomaly called consciousness. Yes, consciousness itself is an anomaly partly explained by the strong version of the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis which, besides saying that our language determines our thoughts, seems to indicate that time itself is not linear. This was illustrated in the movie Arrival. Time, mathematically, is not linear because it's a part of space, meaning movement causes time to pass. So if you move from point A to point B, you will have also moved along the timeline it took to make that journey. However, time is space and space is everywhere, which means we have the ability to "remember" the "future."

Enter my OCPD and whatnot because my intrusive thoughts are so bad that I find myself thinking I don't want to remember this (whatever it is at the moment) when I'm dying, which in turn allows my mind to wonder if I am just getting glimpses of memories of the future when I feel my stomach sink in instant anxiety. There's more I want to get across, but I don't know how to put it in words. Like, I wonder sometimes if I'm already dead (which, mathematically, we all are since time and space are the same thing) and just remembering these events as though I am living them? If that makes sense. That's very close to the sense of what I'm trying to say, but still not quite. Like, I try to avoid anything that I may recall with unpleasantness when I die so I don't have to have yet one more thing to regret.

Sapir-Whorf frightens me because of it's implications on life and death; however, the Pattern says that the universe repeats endlessly, big bang after big bang, over and over. I only wish I could remember between aeons so I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes every frickin' cycle. lol It's like my mind just sucks in anything it can to feed my physics/mathematics obsession, which is ironic since I hated math in high school and couldn't understand it. Now, I read Kaluza-Klein and the Banach-Tarski paradox like it's the newspaper and understand damn near everything that is said on an intuitive level, even if I don't necessarily understand the mathematical mechanics and underpinnings.

This, of course, leads to yet another delusion: that if I can somehow learn enough, take in enough information, I can out-logic death, even if it means physically dying but my consciousness staying in tact. Nothing is impossible, only highly improbable, right? The visual image I get in response from the id is that of the Lawnmower Man, attempting to find the way out of his digital prison before the time runs out, and none of the combinations are working.

An Epiphany of Sorts...
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #5
Haha, did you read what I said about the Pattern and absorbing knowledge? What should I stumble across while laughing at this guy I just found because I happened to accidentally click on M8 Yer Dugs In BLM. lmao Then I went to his page and lo and behold.

YouTube

The Pattern is real, and something is pulling in that darkness that isn't good. I have glimpsed in the theater of the mind's eye the infinitude of the universe in a split second, and it was enough to crack something inside of me. It was like staring into the untempered schism of the Whovian universe. I am doomed, I think, to the second death... lol
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 05:49 PM
  #6
And then, there's this:

YouTube

Jordan Peterson, around the six minute mark. I think in this rather painful laying bare of soul is a solution worth enduring it...maybe...lol I think I'll be doing some more digging...
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 11:39 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves View Post
So, I've had an epiphany of sorts. I have really strange intrusive thoughts and visualizations at times, and this was no different. And as I held myself over the sink with the hot water running below, washing away the morning anxiety and vomit, realized that in most video games I play, as in anything else, if I sense that I am losing, or have already lost, I get bored and turn it off, rest it, or just don't play it anymore.


I have that same sense about life, and I think the OCPD and PTSD and depression and everything else are just my way of no longer playing anymore because there's no point. I'm bored with it, and my points are too far in the red to get them back to zero.


One doesn't make efforts towards a goal that is unobtainable, and tricking oneself into thinking it is obtainable is just that, a trick, and one of the lowest and meanest sort because it denies the truth.
I understand what you're trying to say — I've felt similarly before — but I don't think that statement is always true. I think people in general are adverse to painful or uncomfortable stimuli, like when we get flooded with anxiety before a presentation or asking someone out on a date, so a fair share of the time we do everything in our power to avoid it. Now, take people like us who have similar or the same before, but magnify it 100x or 1000x. After years of experience, we have these maladaptive thought patterns and emotional responses to things and they're so ingrained in us, we don't know we're doing it 99% of the time.

I know I've felt that many times with my social anxiety: getting into pretty much any social situation triggers a physiological response and I become anxious, which then cues automatic negative thoughts, and unless I challenge myself I'm almost guaranteed to pull away or avoid the situation before it even happens. And every time this has happened, it's reinforced failure, not success, and it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy essentially, which has made me miserable in the long run. But I've also found that if I've pushed my boundaries and tried to expand my comfort zone, that discomfort has eventually dissipated and I've generally had a good experience.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 06:14 PM
  #8
Yeah, I pretty much analyze everything around me, constantly. I [I]read[I] people, and when I'm sitting alone, part of my mind is off to itself, busily analyzing, examining, and breaking down everything everyone said to me, how they said it, and why they said it.

Doing that, I've become more and more aware of just how on the fringe I live, just how close to the edge I am because I realize over and over that I cannot trust anyone.

Additionally, I have legal issues I have to live with, which further limits my ability for social interaction. I actually came up with the perfect way to phrase it in one of my poems:

Don't invite me in
or try to be my friend--
what has a new beginning
to do with an end?


I am an end. A non-person in the eyes of the law and society. I don't exist at all but for the tax revenue I generate. That's it. I am a ghost in the machine because I made decisions as a child that I now have to live with the consequences of as an adult. And being aware of just how much of a non-person I am is an every day thing, but holidays are worse. I have grown to hate all holidays because I don't need my face rubbed in everyone else's happiness. Go be happy somewhere else. Christmas is the worst.

What's more, I'm completely estranged from my family--cousins, mostly, as I have only one uncle with no kids and no aunts. Don't talk to any of them. Barely talk to my own mother. I've lost the ability to have a normal disagreement and not have it turn into a fight. I never had the opportunity to learn to socialize as an adult because I spent 17-33 incarcerated. What is normal? Normality to me is just another day being miserable.

And again, one doesn't make an effort towards a goal that is unobtainable. Just as socialism kills innovation and ambition, so, too, has life's setbacks in the six years I've been "free" killed my desire to socialize, or even take care of myself, really. Pretty sure most of my teeth have cavities, I can barely get my laundry done, and have no desire to go see doctors for the chest pains and ulcer.

I have nothing to aspire to because there is nothing left for me to aspire to it. I am forever trapped on this side, while everyone else is on that side. Not a moment goes by where I am not keenly aware of my tenuous position in this world and how easily I could be removed from it without anyone missing me or caring.

Therapy is not an option for a host of reasons both logistical and psychological, and there is no one else to turn to. Everyone leaves in the end, anyway. This is a rule of life. Everyone leaves, and in the end, there will only be myself, standing alone because I am not pleasant to be around (even when I try), and I'm volatile. This site is pretty much it for me, end-of-the-road, last stop on the train to nowhere.

I just wish I would have known the last stop would arrive so quickly.
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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 12:29 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves View Post
Yeah, I pretty much analyze everything around me, constantly. I [I]read[I] people, and when I'm sitting alone, part of my mind is off to itself, busily analyzing, examining, and breaking down everything everyone said to me, how they said it, and why they said it.


Doing that, I've become more and more aware of just how on the fringe I live, just how close to the edge I am because I realize over and over that I cannot trust anyone.


Additionally, I have legal issues I have to live with, which further limits my ability for social interaction. I actually came up with the perfect way to phrase it in one of my poems:


Don't invite me in

or try to be my friend--

what has a new beginning

to do with an end?




I am an end. A non-person in the eyes of the law and society. I don't exist at all but for the tax revenue I generate. That's it. I am a ghost in the machine because I made decisions as a child that I now have to live with the consequences of as an adult. And being aware of just how much of a non-person I am is an every day thing, but holidays are worse. I have grown to hate all holidays because I don't need my face rubbed in everyone else's happiness. Go be happy somewhere else. Christmas is the worst.


What's more, I'm completely estranged from my family--cousins, mostly, as I have only one uncle with no kids and no aunts. Don't talk to any of them. Barely talk to my own mother. I've lost the ability to have a normal disagreement and not have it turn into a fight. I never had the opportunity to learn to socialize as an adult because I spent 17-33 incarcerated. What is normal? Normality to me is just another day being miserable.


And again, one doesn't make an effort towards a goal that is unobtainable. Just as socialism kills innovation and ambition, so, too, has life's setbacks in the six years I've been "free" killed my desire to socialize, or even take care of myself, really. Pretty sure most of my teeth have cavities, I can barely get my laundry done, and have no desire to go see doctors for the chest pains and ulcer.


I have nothing to aspire to because there is nothing left for me to aspire to it. I am forever trapped on this side, while everyone else is on that side. Not a moment goes by where I am not keenly aware of my tenuous position in this world and how easily I could be removed from it without anyone missing me or caring.


Therapy is not an option for a host of reasons both logistical and psychological, and there is no one else to turn to. Everyone leaves in the end, anyway. This is a rule of life. Everyone leaves, and in the end, there will only be myself, standing alone because I am not pleasant to be around (even when I try), and I'm volatile. This site is pretty much it for me, end-of-the-road, last stop on the train to nowhere.


I just wish I would have known the last stop would arrive so quickly.
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I can't imagine what that's like.

Even if you didn't have issues with trust before and were perfectly "normal," I can't imagine what that length of time being incarcerated did to you or would do to anyone for that matter. I'm sure it seriously strained your ability to look at others the same again, either just as human beings or people you could eventually let your guard down for and trust.

From my experience having family and patients with mental health issues who I've worked with and have also spent various lengths of time in the legal system (criminal and forensic), a lot of people in jail/prison pretty much have to become incredibly suspicious and trust no one as a form of survival, even if they're not naturally that way, because you never know if anyone is just a straight up liar, opportunistic predator, or sociopath/psychopath.

Then, on top of that, more and more of the people who get caught up and trapped in our legal system have varying degrees of mental illness and if they weren't getting appropriate access to treatment on the outside (or didn't accept it when offered), it's pretty unlikely that's going to change once they get locked up and they can be very unpredictable or violent.

Obviously, that's not to say that mental illness and violence go hand-in-hand. I've worked on a locked inpatient unit for people with severe mental illness for almost ten years and can probably count on two hands the number of patients that I genuinely believe tried to hurt me, a coworker, or another patient (and in most cases had nothing to do with Axis I disorders and everything to do with Axis II/personality disorders and avoiding the police after committing a crime, homeless and looking for three hots & a cot, drugs, etc., and never should've been admitted in the first place).

Anyway, sorry, I got off on a bit of a tangent. If you don't mind me asking, what related to your legal troubles makes it difficult to be social? You don't have to be specific or even answer it. I'm just curious. Does it have more to do with being incarcerated, having a record, trying to find employment, etc. or more like having to talk to police every time you move to a new place?

As for being a non-person in society's eyes, I have to politely disagree. At least from my perspective, assuming whatever you did in the past you've been able to reconcile, show remorse, and now actively try to be a better person, I think everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves. I mean, if I didn't believe that was true for you, I don't know how I could for myself. Because while I may not have done anything to get myself locked up, I've done things over the years that I'm not proud of and have done considerable damage to my personal relationships and professional career.

I can definitely relate to not having any kind of connection with family though. Once I graduated high school and then again when my grandmother passed away ten years ago (she was the sort of social glue that held the family together), things just kind of fell apart. And even when I was younger, things weren't exactly great because my dad was pretty emotionally abusive growing up (I ultimately think he was trying to do right by me, but had his own issues never had a father growing up, so he didn't learn how to be one, you know) and I still resent my mom to this day for not protecting me. Plus, while I am proud of some things I've done in my life, I'm not terribly proud of where I am right now and the thought of talking to family and having that generic "so how's life?" smalltalk just fills me with dread.

Have you ever considered or tried to reconnect with family? I know one thing I've learned with stuff like that, aside from time healing most wounds, is that sometimes your version of what happened is much worse than other people see it and the longer you go know not reaching out to people, the harder it is to the point that sometimes you forget what even happened to get you there; you just know that you and that person don't talk anymore.

Yes, everyone does leave you in the end (in a sense), but a lot of times it's not willful or malicious. Stuff happens in people's lives that changes things — they get married, have a kid, move states — or sometimes just pass away. I also thinks it's a very natural life progression on some level, especially for men, who aren't terribly social animals by nature — not in the way most women are at least in that they have a network of support from a significant other to parents to extended family to friends whereas a lot of times guys might just have their significant other and maybe one or two good friends (that they don't see in person anymore because life happens).

What do you think happens or what do you think you do that makes you feel people find you unpleasant to be around? Do you overreact? Have a temper? What?
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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 08:33 AM
  #10
I guess the best, most succinct way to sum up my problems would be to say that I am the cause of them. I just don't know/can't figure out how to not cause them. Most of those problems revolve around unresolved anger issues and half the time, circle in my head in a cycle of self-blame and endless shame.

I get into arguments with my mother, for instance, and don't know how to apologize anymore. I can't control the absolute rage inside when I get in that mindset. I don't know how to break the wind-up, if that makes sense. My solution is always to simply walk away. Doesn't matter what or who it is. I've done that with jobs, with family, and with friends. For me, it's better to simply quit/avoid than to engage/resolve. Not worth the effort.

Prison, really, just inculcated in me the anger of the State so that I have become my own prison warden. I measure myself by how I see the rest of society, get pissed off that I am falling short of what I perceive to be normalcy, and there's no relief. Sometimes, I get pissed off enough that I hit myself because I do something I instantly know is wrong, and in my head, it's usually me saying, "You stupid $%^&*!" and other insults and rage directed inward. After all, my reality is a product of inward perception, right? My logic is that inward perception is flawed and must be corrected, even if it requires outward solutions such as pain and self-harm.

Haha, hard to trust others when I sure af don't trust myself. Another aspect of it is some juvenile distortion that I can punish/hurt myself far more effectively than someone else can, and if I do so before they do so, it removes their need to react to whatever the trigger situation was. Crazy, right? lmao

I went in with childhood mental issues (depression, anxiety, OCPD, etc) that I didn't want to resolve because I didn't want to look into that darkness. In prison, I was forced to do so, and not just my own, but into the abysses of the others I had to sit and listen to recount their horrible acts of selfishness and avarice. For years. Only to be told I apparently hadn't listened enough or well-enough to pass their "programs" which were nothing but indoctrination in State-think using threats of lifetime incarceration and psychological file massaging to ensure a desired outcome upon release. Nothing like being the only person in the program to not pass and be told by the head of the psych department that the "facilitator" was wrong to do so, but they weren't going to change it and I could sue them if I didn't like it.

That ended my relationship with psychologists forever.

No, I'm not violent, per se. Not really. I can get verbally vicious--I am a master of using my words to cause destruction and pain (you should see some of the inmate complaints and court motions I wrote up--I was the stuff of legend with how ruthlessly I used to go after prison officials and admin staff). I don't want to hurt others, though, not really. Even in fights, I always felt bad afterwards and had a hard time stepping out of the other person's "space" so I could stop feeling what they felt, if that makes sense.

Of course, this touches upon the vacillatory nature of my mind--sometimes, I feel like I'm just faking it or I'm avoiding taking responsibility just because I'm lazy or selfish or manipulative. I hate it. When I get those thoughts, I instantly have to examine it, analyze it, obsess over it, categorize it, and file it away to ensure that I am being authentic and genuine because I don't want to be the way I am.

I don't want to be me.

My legal troubles are manifold. I am an SO that by the grace of this site's admins have been permitted to remain because this is the only form of therapy I have left. The problem, I can see clear as day in hindsight, is that at the time when I was 16-17, I was so socially deficient that I had the mentality of a child because I hadn't "grown up," which occurred rapidly after incarceration. Part of my over-analyzing self is due, I think, in part to not wanting to be mentally behind the curve of where I should be for my age, if that makes sense?

This is what makes me a non-person. It's also what gives me great joy when I get to disabuse people of their notions of what they're allowed to say to me because I don't take **** from anyone, period. You wanna call me out because of my past? Come on over to my house and come get some. I say this because most days feel like my back is against the wall, and I'm very aware of my limitations. There is no redemption for me because I need external validation of internal triumphs, and one doesn't go about in polite society talking about the horrible inner demons one slays and expect to be looked at with anything but disgust and revulsion. You think it's bad hearing about it? Haha! Trying living with it.

My cousins have not once sought me out in six years. Every time I have seen them, it's because I have been the initiating party. I don't do that anymore. I figure, if they're not going to make the effort, neither shall I. Yep, Grandma dying pretty much dissolved the glue of this family's bonds, too. I have no desire to pickup family bonds with cousins who don't have the time of day for me.

The center doesn't hold. Everything and everyone falls away eventually, and usually because of willful indifference which I have neither the time nor patience for.

Marriage. Pff. I can barely stand going over to my friend's house because I seethe with envy. Yeah, his marriage isn't perfect, but *******, it's got to be an amazing feeling to come home and have someone there your own age that you can depend on with absolute rock-solid certainty. That is why I hate holidays. I see all the people walking around happy with their partners/spouses/whatevers. I hate hearing it on the radios/tvs. At work, it's worse because my boss has that **** on the radio 24/7 and hearing it in the background when I'm working on laying out engravings or whatever, my mind has plenty of time to itself to dwell on things it ought not to dwell on (it's become polarized to the negative instead of positive) keeps me in a rather dark state of mind.

I'm not pleasant to be around because I am usually pretty morose/quiet. Because when I get pissed about something, it's zero-to-rage, not zero-one-two-three-rage. Because I usually have nothing to say. I have nothing to talk about it because nothing really interests me anymore other than getting away to...anywhere but here.

And overshadowing it all is a constant, gibbering fear of death that I endless obsess over every single moment of the day no matter what I am doing. Part of the OCD/OCPD symptoms I can say for sure are the little prayers I offer up to a God I hope is there every time I have these thoughts, like a proscription against unforeseen doom. "Please, God, any fate but that." Seeing dead anything on the side of the road is another thing that will swerve my train of thought around to the finality we all must face. Not even Alan Watts' video on the Nature of God helps.

My conversations are not those of others. I talk about fractals and the Pattern and the nature of reality. I would rather have conversations about the Kaluza-Klein model than the latest game on tv. I'm too weird. lol

Hmm...that should do for a post. lol Sorry for the wall-o-text!
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Michael2Wolves
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Michael2Wolves is simply giving up.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
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Default Jun 11, 2020 at 07:36 PM
  #11
Eight months later, and there's no change.

I waste money on my car because I have no girlfriend, no friends irl around me. I am literally preparing to spend tens of thousands on my car because I just...don't give a **** about my health. I have my car and my dog. Hard to care about one's health when one is an island unto himself. And yeah, I'm an island. I have two points of contact: my mother and my boss. I work, I come home, I go to bed (never mind that it's 2pm) because there's nothing else to do. Meanwhile, laundry piles up, I have paperwork all over my light table, and I'm again losing interest in hobbies.

I've also been performing some psychic surgery of my own with the use of LSD and DMT. LSD has very potent pharmacological and therapeutic value, except I'm missing the therapist present to walk me through the trip and thus, I'm having to do it on my own. Just grit my teeth and dive inward to examine my soul. The thing about LSD is this (and this is how you can tell when someone is lying about taking it): LSD doesn't make you see what is not there. It makes you see what is there in excruciating detail, and if you look inward, you're going to have your illusions about yourself stripped away. I actually wrote a poem about it, and I think I'll post it in the poetry sub-forum. I just seek to carve away that about myself which I cannot live with.

My stomach is killing me from this ulcer. Been this way for days, now. It's like a ball of hot lead that is always there. I get no relief. Even tums don't help anymore. And I'm getting more paranoid. I can't help but feel I'm doing some kind of irreparable harm by not eating, but I'm not hungry, and eating makes me nauseous. I've woken up numerous nights and vomited from anxiety--out of a dead sleep.

I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, I think, and that is intolerable and I refuse to live in that Pattern. Unfortunately, there's only one way to break a Pattern, and it's rather permanent...so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Literally. Smh...
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