Fear, grief, panic.. I don't know what to do anymore..

I'm struggling with gad, panic disorder, agoraphobia to the point I'm home bounded for almost decade, since this year psychiatist also added to my diagnosis severe depression, psychotic symptoms, and BPD.. and I don't know what to do anymore.. 2 years ago when I was in mental hospital I finally was doing better.. but after that I went back to mentally abusive home and everything came back.. and this year is just a nightmare.. I'm anxious everyday because my dog is old and I'm terrified of losing him. My dear grandpa passed away in March. I still don't cope with grief. Had dreams about him again, dreams that he died again.. and dreamt that 2 other people from my family suddenly died too which creeps me out.. woke up with panic, depersonalization derealization, feeling of killing myself.. I feel like I'm losing my mind.. since July got very strong harm OCD, at least I think that's it because I never self harmed or anything, but having strong feeling of being pushed to kill myself or others.. got psychotherapist and told him about it but he's on his vacation right now..

I'm so scared right now. I'm scared of going crazy. I'm still in bed since it's 5 am here. Slept less than 3h. My body feels like not mine.. I don't know why I'm writing it here and what I'm expecting. Maybe just some hopeful words.. I wish I would have a friend who would hug me and say everything will be fine.. though I doubt it will..

I wish I could hug you in person, lucami and reassure you. Sorry you are having such a bad time right now. Sometimes finding a distraction....anything...can help break you out of a moment like this. This moment will pass.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

Thanks Yzen.. I'm not going outside besides short walks with my dog because of severe agoraphobia, so through all of this years I tried probably every possible distraction I could do at home.. and they seems to stop working.. plus got anemia which makes me feel so weak and more anxious..