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Trig Oct 11, 2019 at 08:19 PM
  #1
You have permission to laugh at me... or with me... even when I'm afraid and acting all sorts of weird...

Although I had went through police training (I was never a cop, but did the training) and enlisted in the military, and although my past life pre-military-traumas encompassed my being comfortable with authority figures, I FEAR ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES TODAY.

Why?

Possible trigger:


Regardless of the why (or potential etiologies), fearing authority figures today is really tough. I constantly worry about what they think of me, or what they can do to me based on what they think of me. I fear having my reputation, future, physical health, and mental health ruined by those who abuse their power. I respect and love police, but still fear them. I respect and love our military, but still fear them, including veterans at times, even though I'm a veteran. I respect and love therapists, but I fear those who can abuse their power in therapy. I respect and love professors, but I fear those who can abuse their power in academic settings. I respect and love our government, but I fear those who can abuse their power in policy and public administration.

Applying for graduate school involves my fears of authority. The institution of academia is already intimidating enough. I have enough (not much) psychological hardiness and self-efficacy to succeed, but only if I'm not victimized on campus or a victim of someone's abuse of power. I may be able to assert myself well in most cases, but sometimes I'm not when I cower.

Even here I fear what some of the professionals reading our comments think about me or those like me. (Yes, you can laugh, but this is serious. I am afraid. I've been harmed physically, psychologically, academically, relationally, reputationally, monetarily, and professionally by those in positions of power throughout my adult life, not so much my childhood life).

It's easier said than done to not care about what others think when, in fact, the world operates on that very thing - what others think! It's important to be able to relate to others and have a healthy dose of give-and-take, and that involves what others think and what I think about others. So that approach is wrong, or just not as rational as others would like to claim.

I know that I've learned helplessness, but I was in fact helpless and powerless when I was abused from someone in a position of power with more clout and resources than I have. Unlearning helplessness through assertiveness is one thing, but even then, your assertiveness may be gaslit, undermined, overlooked, or mocked. I've experienced both the benefits and pitfalls of being assertive - in the right ways, that is (assertiveness with respect, as opposed to aggression).

I also know what it feels like to be used and taken advantage of, so I fear authority figures for that reason, too.

And even though I've met such wonderful people in positions of power who have not harmed me, it still is not enough to desensitize me from the potential harms that a person in power could inflict on me.

Finally, because of all the above, I'm afraid of taking on a position of power of any kind. What if I become the monster? What if I internalized those in powers through my recurrent nightmares or intrusive thoughts that I'm becoming like them? What if I'm like those scenes where Harry Potter has a part of He Who Must Not Be Named inside of him, which is why he could speak snake language? What if I am like that?

Self-sabotage, not really. Fear of failure, maybe. Fear of success, possibly. Fear of identifying with and becoming the perpetrator, most likely.

So, applying for graduate school has brought up these feelings for me. Graduate school involves authority figures as well as me training to be an authority figure. Eek!

But, it's a dream of mine. Graduate school is something I don't want others to squash or block. It's something that tells me that I know what my self-worth is. It's something that I can learn to become a better person, with the right guides. It's something that can help me overcome my fears in indirect ways. It's something that can reinforce the good in me, instead of the internalized bad.

Nevertheless, the feelings remain. I'm afraid of authority figures.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my life back before the harms in the military injured me. I want to be strong again, but how?

Last edited by bluekoi; Oct 12, 2019 at 08:33 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 08:13 AM
  #2
I fear people with authority.

for some reason, I always seem to think that people like that can do nothing but harm to others.

an example:

I know, in my mind, that a police officer exists to keep people safe, and I kniow that they have a really important job so everyone stays safe

however: if I was to meet a police officer, I'd straight away think... oh, they have it in for me, no hello, no how are you, just doing their worst

same with managers of companies:

they have authority over the company, (and if I see them, me), so I can't speak to them.

a lot of websites I don't even go near because they have the mssage " you need to be aproved by the administrator" (another authority figure)

I've just never had any good experiences with any authority figures

my friend sarah has just become manager of a company

I am now terrified of someone who before I basically spoke to every other day
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Default Oct 14, 2019 at 11:19 PM
  #3
lillib, I think you are strong. Courage is being afraid, and doing it anyway. I hear you on wanting to not be scared of authority figures anymore. I think it will come with patience, self compassion, and healing and self work. In time. You are not alone. I have some trauma too. (But from childhood and my teen years). But yeah are you in therapy? Last thought, I'm on a self acceptance....I'm really into self acceptance now. Have you considered accepting yourself as is? It can be powerful, I'm told.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 12:55 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
lillib, I think you are strong. Courage is being afraid, and doing it anyway. I hear you on wanting to not be scared of authority figures anymore. I think it will come with patience, self compassion, and healing and self work. In time. You are not alone. I have some trauma too. (But from childhood and my teen years). But yeah are you in therapy? Last thought, I'm on a self acceptance....I'm really into self acceptance now. Have you considered accepting yourself as is? It can be powerful, I'm told.
@WovenGalaxy

Thank you! I'm big on self-acceptance, but sometimes I suck at it, LOL. I'm not in therapy yet, but will be in November. I meet with my treatment team (regular docs) this Wednesday. I start there and move forward.

I hope it dissipates.

I was trained in police work, but I'm afraid of police sometimes. And I'm going to grad school for criminal justice, so go figure. Eek! What am I getting myself into, LOL. I'm afraid and I'm up for the challenge, and all of the above.

My fears though are often in terms of feeling little and being afraid of getting tied down and criminally assaulted again. It's an irrational thought, but in this day and age, there a small, infinitesimal chance of it becoming a rational reality. I'm trying to deal with this with the CBT I had learned, with the affirmations I say to myself, and with my staying grounded (as opposed to switching/dissociating). It's hard. But I'm trying.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 01:04 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I fear people with authority.

for some reason, I always seem to think that people like that can do nothing but harm to others.

an example:

I know, in my mind, that a police officer exists to keep people safe, and I kniow that they have a really important job so everyone stays safe

however: if I was to meet a police officer, I'd straight away think... oh, they have it in for me, no hello, no how are you, just doing their worst

same with managers of companies:

they have authority over the company, (and if I see them, me), so I can't speak to them.

a lot of websites I don't even go near because they have the mssage " you need to be aproved by the administrator" (another authority figure)

I've just never had any good experiences with any authority figures

my friend sarah has just become manager of a company

I am now terrified of someone who before I basically spoke to every other day
@raging vortex

I feel you with all the points you made. My friends who are now therapists and officers in the military and otherwise all scare me now. I made friends with a neighbor who is a licensed counselor, and sometimes I wonder if she is analyzing me. LOL. Still, I try to see them as friends, but I always feel small.

Then there's the role reversal when my own friends who never went to college see me as scary, and I try my best to reassure them that I'm not; I'm like anyone else, just with a bigger vocabulary and some different ways of thinking. I reiterate to everyone that I believe in servant leadership, not dictatorships. And, I am terrified of the spotlight, even though it feels great to win awards and all.

I went through police training before, but I'm still afraid of police. Go figure. But given the news on police brutality or police misconduct or police mistakes, it's easy to wonder if you're all of a sudden a person of interest by accident.

I get tongue-twisted, shy, or small, and then I sometimes ramble. When I go home or cower somewhere in a corner, I nearly always tell myself that I made a fool of myself because of my fears of authority figures.

I want to do the chat thing. I forgot if it will be tonight for DocJohn, but I also get nervous. I admire DocJohn's posts on PC (the main website), but it's like meeting a celebrity. (Oh gosh, I wonder if he reads these things, LOL.)

Anyway, yeah. I get scared. We're all in this together.

I wonder if it has to do with our disability/mental illness statuses? Hmm...

I'm not sure that those with psychopathy or narcissism might struggle with this though, but then again, they aren't disabled; most of them, if in treatment, are struggling to taper down on their self-inflation, I think. So it can't just be mental illness. Hmm...

Why are we afraid of authority figures?
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 06:51 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by lillib View Post
@raging vortex

I feel you with all the points you made. My friends who are now therapists and officers in the military and otherwise all scare me now. I made friends with a neighbor who is a licensed counselor, and sometimes I wonder if she is analyzing me. LOL. Still, I try to see them as friends, but I always feel small.

Then there's the role reversal when my own friends who never went to college see me as scary, and I try my best to reassure them that I'm not; I'm like anyone else, just with a bigger vocabulary and some different ways of thinking. I reiterate to everyone that I believe in servant leadership, not dictatorships. And, I am terrified of the spotlight, even though it feels great to win awards and all.

I went through police training before, but I'm still afraid of police. Go figure. But given the news on police brutality or police misconduct or police mistakes, it's easy to wonder if you're all of a sudden a person of interest by accident.

I get tongue-twisted, shy, or small, and then I sometimes ramble. When I go home or cower somewhere in a corner, I nearly always tell myself that I made a fool of myself because of my fears of authority figures.

I want to do the chat thing. I forgot if it will be tonight for DocJohn, but I also get nervous. I admire DocJohn's posts on PC (the main website), but it's like meeting a celebrity. (Oh gosh, I wonder if he reads these things, LOL.)

Anyway, yeah. I get scared. We're all in this together.

I wonder if it has to do with our disability/mental illness statuses? Hmm...

I'm not sure that those with psychopathy or narcissism might struggle with this though, but then again, they aren't disabled; most of them, if in treatment, are struggling to taper down on their self-inflation, I think. So it can't just be mental illness. Hmm...

Why are we afraid of authority figures?


I think everyone admires doc john!. no doc john, no forums

the chat is good, I don't use it too often but do enjoy it when I do

with regards to what you're saying about people finding you scary, I sort of relate to this too.

though for me it's oooo, she's mentally ill, is it contagious?. how do I talk to someone like that, do I need to use basic easy to understand words (like I'm talking to someone who's 4?)

yep: I get all that stuff, but in reality I'm just like everyone else

(and nope I am not contagious. lol!.)
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 07:14 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I think everyone admires doc john!. no doc john, no forums

the chat is good, I don't use it too often but do enjoy it when I do

with regards to what you're saying about people finding you scary, I sort of relate to this too.

though for me it's oooo, she's mentally ill, is it contagious?. how do I talk to someone like that, do I need to use basic easy to understand words (like I'm talking to someone who's 4?)

yep: I get all that stuff, but in reality I'm just like everyone else

(and nope I am not contagious. lol!.)
@raging vortex

I get that too - people are frightened of me because of my mental illness. and that's just the PTSD they know about. heaven forbid they know about my DID! LOL. Anyway, I get the feeling of contagion or being contagious; we're not contagious, but people are scared nonetheless. I laughed when you said that we have to speak to them as 4 y/o's. We're like everyone else, just with symptoms is all.

Okay, I won't be afraid of DocJohn. LOL. I don't know him that well, but you are right: without DocJohn there would be no PC. I feel safer knowing that there are mods and admins and possibly other mental health professionals here. I also feel intimidated though. I say and share a lot of stuff, some that are thoughtful, some that are intellectual, and some that are downright loopy. The thoughtful and intellectual posts are usually my responses to others when I'm supporting them or answering a thread, but the loopy answers, those are my own processing when I'm asking for support or just getting things out. It's weird and scary to some who don't know my disorder. I can only imagine what some people might think of me after reading some of my posts.

Anyway, thank you for responding! It helps to know I'm not alone.

I hope you are doing okay today.
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