advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Nnea
Newly Joined
Nnea has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Trig Oct 13, 2019 at 02:40 AM
  #1
Shouting into the void tonight.
No context sry

Copy pasted Journal entry. First in a few months.
10/12/2019

I’m lonely.
Almost everybody on the floor has a bestie that they’re super close with and love always hanging out with. Kyle has joe, lee has sky, Hannie has sammie, Nathan has Lilly, Julie has Cynthia, and freely has sky and lee and a boyfriend back home. I want love. I hang out with everyone and I haven’t gotten into any arguments and I’m in touch with my friends from before college, but it’s not the same as having someone special. but all my favorite people already have someone they are close too. It’s feels lonely to be a third wheel all the time. I know I’m not the only one that isn’t buddies on the floor— Connor, Julie, Skyler, India, Natalie, fable, Trent and Connor and probably more— but I still feel bad. People here tell me that I’m pretty, which is a first for me, but I still unloved or unlovable. Maybe there’s something in me that makes me like people that are unavailable the most? Or maybe the people are unavailable because they’re just that great, and I am unloved because there is something about my personality that makes me less great and unable to compete. If I knew what was wrong I would try to change it, but maybe it’s my insecurity about relationships that is the problem. Am I too desperate for affection? Is there nothing wrong and I should just wait untill I find someone that likes me? Should I just fiend a person that i like a bit and is available right now and just spend time with them and hope we start liking eachother? That feels wrong. I’ve dated people that liked me because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought the feelings would come with time, but I only felt guilt and burden for not being able to love them the same. But the people I like are always taken. Hank and daphne for example. If I don’t like someone a lot a lot, it’s work to be with them all the time and it feels dishonest. But if I do like someone, there’s always someone they like more and it’s painful and lonely. I just want somebody to come and knock on my door and invite me places, or just visit to spend time with me, and that I would want do the same. Cynthia does this, but I feel like I am only included because I am juli’s roommate. I doubt she would like me enough otherwise to regularly seek out my company. And I feel bad for having these thoughts. I wish I could hang out with Cynthia and Julie without feeling like this. I’m jealous of Juli for being loved by cynthia and Kyle. I’m can’t enjoy Cynthia’s company as much as I’d like to because I doubt her friendship and jealous that she is probably liked by Juli more than me. I also feel insecure over my ability to be loved because of Kyle. I thought we were super close and we both invited eachother to do things and talk all the time. But then he started being colder. Gave me a nickname and then stopped using it. when he’d come to visit our room, he’d only want to talk to Julie. When hanging out in a group he’d say he loved joe and Juli and hannie, but never me anymore. If we were doing something in a group, I’d have to invite myself and feel like butting in. If I make a joke or talk he would often stare at me with this dead expression. He stopped inviting me places, and stopped wanting to hang out when I talked to him. It made me feel needy and unwanted. I still check now and then, but much less often because i feel like I’m probably no longer welcome and it hurts to think about being an annoying person who can’t take a hint that their not welcome. I’ve asked him if I’d done something wrong, but he’d just say he’s depressed and doesn’t want to hang out with people. But he always wants to hang out with joe and other people still. I feel like I’m over analyzing this and crazy and clingy so I’ve tried to let it go, but at the same time I feel like I am right and he doesn’t like me anymore. Which only makes me feel like I’m more overly attached to anybody or needy. Right now in my head I’m either crazy and everything is fine with this friendship and I haven’t ****ed it up accidentally, or I have done something wrong and there’s nothing I can do to fix it because something about me deep down is unlovable and repels people away. Either way I feel crazy and fundamentally broken. I know maybe part of it is assuming the problem is me when other people have just as complicated and emotionally convoluted lives and there could be many factors outside of just me affecting their relationships besides just me but I can’t help but feeling like it’s my fault. I feel like I’m getting more neurotic every day or somehow I’ve done something weird that isn’t just weird but unacceptable that has driven people away. I feel like a needy , emotional repulsive wreck that doesn’t even know how or if or why it’s broken. This probably all started from the desire to be a good friend to the people I care about. I used to base my self worth on grades and hate myself for procrastinating. I was fine alone, but I felt cold and blue and deep down there were so many unaddressed feelings. Then that wall came down and everything was raw and tender and new. I probably bonded and trusted too fast. At some point I decided that people and relationships were the most important to me, and I tried my best to be a better friend and figure out how to solve and address conflicts. At some point this got twisted though, and I outsourced my self worth. If I am not loved, then I must be unlovable. If a friend pulls away, I have done something wrong. I worry Amand care too much about what people think, rather than what I think. Like i could solve every problem by changing myself. Admitting my faults. Talking it out. But sometimes there’s nothing wrong, and nothing you do will make someone like you the wish they would. I feel narcissistic. Or like I’m a big black hole. Im lonely and I need love but I worry that no amount of affection would ever be enough, or I would like the old me and never be able to reciprocate as much and the person that loved me would be stuck feeling how I do right now. I wish I could remember what is like to just be okay myself. Just to like myself for the very existence of being me. Not think I’m perfect or even great but just okay. And not need to draw proof that I’m worthy of existing from actions, or grades, or people in my life. But instead I feel bad all the time. And lonely. And the only way that I can talk back to the voice inside my head that is telling me I’m bad is to point to things outside myself and say “look! I have friends and loved ones and I help people and I work hard so I can’t be bad!”
But the voice discredits these things so easily- if I ever mess up, or do something I think may negatively affect something or somebody somewhere, or a friend ever acts a little cold, or I see the people around me being loved while I’m not, or I ever get jealous— the voice says “ha! See? I told you you were terrible all along- you do things terribly, you’re a hypocrite, you’re making the world a worse place, your a bad friend, you did something wrong, your are not worthy of being loved”
I wish I didn’t need to prove myself to that voice in my head.
I wish I could just believe that I was okayish
So when that inner voice says “you’re bad”
I could just say “no. Your wrong”
No need for proof
No arguments for that negative part of me to refute or tear down.
No exhausting back and fourth in my head
No endless need to be perfect
No self hatred for needing to be perfect
Just doing what I feel is the right thing to do and knowing that I might make mistakes but that I’m still okay.
I tell myself that I’m still okay
But I don’t believe it
Right now I believe I’m bad
And I hate that I believe I’m bad
I wish that I could believe I’m good/okay
I think that i shoul believe that I’m okay
But I don’t
I don’t even have that much confidence
Or self worth
I’m fragile
And lonely

I can’t eat a piece of chocolate without hating myself for eating it, and then hating myself for hating myself for eating it.
And I can’t write a journal entry without feeling narcissistic and over dramatic and cringey and self absorbed and crazy.
This sucks.

I wish I could be more chill

And I which i could show this to a friend and have them understand me but I’m too afraid of rejection or how it would effect them or how they saw me, and I can’t talk to my therapist right now either to atleast get it out of my own echo-chamber of a head.
And while this is one worry of mine I have many others. This was more of a theme statement or a hypothesis about why I feel the way I do that I stumbled upon when I originally started this diary entry to write about loneliness and friendship. I’m also worried about grades and my mom and what I’ll do in the future and climate change and if ***** will one day kill herself and I worry about my sister’s mental health and I miss my friends and I wonder if I’ll be a good parent and I worry about being weird to strangers and I feel bad for accepting kindness from professors and friends and I worry if like be able to keep up with workloads with work and school and I worry about being ignorant of my privilege and I think about how grossly much we waste and take for granted things here vs in lower income areas vs in areas decimated by war and natural disaster and I worry about The long term consequences of vaping and I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I take adderall for my adhd because ppl in college abuse it for recreation and supposed study enhancing so now I feel dirty too and I worry about my anxiety getting worse and I worry about going crazy or becoming homeless or my whole family dying or me dying or me living a super long life and being sad for all of it and I worry about wasting too much time being lazy or forming bad habits or not exercising enough or malnourishing myself and I worry that I’m gonna box up all my emotions and go through another version of senior year again after finally starting to feel better and I don’t want to feel cold and I don’t want to feel needy and I don’t want to feel rage and I don’t want to have anxiety attacks and I worry that I’m too boring and I worry that I’m too weird and I worry that I’m too crazy and I worry that I’m too sheltered and I worry that I’ll be alone and I worry that I give advice that I can’t follow and I worry that I’m too bossy and I worry that I’m too annoying and I worry that Ill make my friends sadder and I worry that if I do finally find someone that I love that loves and accepts me I’ll duck it up

Jesus
That’s enough for tonight
I’m tired and it’s three am and I have a volunteering shift tomorrow at 10 that it takes an hour to walk to and I have studying to do and I have to meet with friends and I will hate myself if I flake but I’m already worried I probably will

How do I fix myself

Last edited by atisketatasket; Oct 13, 2019 at 08:40 AM.. Reason: Added trigger
Nnea is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bshaffer836
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Oct 14, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #2
Hello Nnea: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. Two additional forums, here on PC, that may be of interest would include the Relationships & Communication forum & the Coping with Emotions forum. Here are links to these forums:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

And then here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness

Why Feeling Left Out Can Feel So Painful—And 7 Healthy Ways to Cope

https://psychcentral.com/lib/good-ne...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ving-yourself/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Talking Oct 15, 2019 at 03:03 AM
  #3
Hi @Nnea- I had a hard time reading you posy due to a lack ogf line spaces so I copy and pasted it into smaller sections... I hope you dont minf.
[QUOTE=Nnea;6654791]Shouting into the void tonight.
No context sry

Copy pasted Journal entry. First in a few months.
10/12/2019

I’m lonely.
Almost everybody on the floor has a bestie that they’re super close with and love always hanging out with. Kyle has joe, lee has sky, Hannie has sammie, Nathan has Lilly, Julie has Cynthia, and freely has sky and lee and a boyfriend back home. I want love. I hang out with everyone and I haven’t gotten into any arguments and I’m in touch with my friends from before college, but it’s not the same as having someone special. but all my favorite people already have someone they are close too. It’s feels lonely to be a third wheel all the time. I know I’m not the only one that isn’t buddies on the floor— Connor, Julie, Skyler, India, Natalie, fable, Trent and Connor and probably more— but I still feel bad. People here tell me that I’m pretty, which is a first for me, but I still unloved or unlovable. Maybe there’s something in me that makes me like people that are unavailable the most? Or maybe the people are unavailable because they’re just that great, and I am unloved because there is something about my personality that makes me less great and unable to compete. If I knew what was wrong I would try to change it, but maybe it’s my insecurity about relationships that is the problem. Am I too desperate for affection? Is there nothing wrong and I should just wait untill I find someone that likes me? Should I just fiend a person that i like a bit and is available right now and just spend time with them and hope we start liking eachother?

That feels wrong. I’ve dated people that liked me because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought the feelings would come with time, but I only felt guilt and burden for not being able to love them the same. But the people I like are always taken. Hank and daphne for example. If I don’t like someone a lot a lot, it’s work to be with them all the time and it feels dishonest. But if I do like someone, there’s always someone they like more and it’s painful and lonely. I just want somebody to come and knock on my door and invite me places, or just visit to spend time with me, and that I would want do the same. Cynthia does this, but I feel like I am only included because I am juli’s roommate. I doubt she would like me enough otherwise to regularly seek out my company. And I feel bad for having these thoughts. I wish I could hang out with Cynthia and Julie without feeling like this. I’m jealous of Juli for being loved by cynthia and Kyle. I’m can’t enjoy Cynthia’s company as much as I’d like to because I doubt her friendship and jealous that she is probably liked by Juli more than me. I also feel insecure over my ability to be loved because of Kyle.

I thought we were super close and we both invited each other to do things and talk all the time. But then he started being colder. Gave me a nickname and then stopped using it. when he’d come to visit our room, he’d only want to talk to Julie. When hanging out in a group he’d say he loved joe and Juli and hannie, but never me anymore. If we were doing something in a group, I’d have to invite myself and feel like butting in. If I make a joke or talk he would often stare at me with this dead expression. He stopped inviting me places, and stopped wanting to hang out when I talked to him. It made me feel needy and unwanted. I still check now and then, but much less often because i feel like I’m probably no longer welcome and it hurts to think about being an annoying person who can’t take a hint that their not welcome.

I’ve asked him if I’d done something wrong, but he’d just say he’s depressed and doesn’t want to hang out with people. But he always wants to hang out with joe and other people still. I feel like I’m over analyzing this and crazy and clingy so I’ve tried to let it go, but at the same time I feel like I am right and he doesn’t like me anymore. Which only makes me feel like I’m more overly attached to anybody or needy. Right now in my head I’m either crazy and everything is fine with this friendship and I haven’t ****ed it up accidentally, or I have done something wrong and there’s nothing I can do to fix it because something about me deep down is unlovable and repels people away. Either way

I feel crazy and fundamentally broken. I know maybe part of it is assuming the problem is me when other people have just as complicated and emotionally convoluted lives and there could be many factors outside of just me affecting their relationships besides just me but I can’t help but feeling like it’s my fault. I feel like I’m getting more neurotic every day or somehow I’ve done something weird that isn’t just weird but unacceptable that has driven people away. I feel like a needy , emotional repulsive wreck that doesn’t even know how or if or why it’s broken. This probably all started from the desire to be a good friend to the people I care about. I used to base my self worth on grades and hate myself for procrastinating. I was fine alone, but I felt cold and blue and deep down there were so many unaddressed feelings. Then that wall came down and everything was raw and tender and new. I probably bonded and trusted too fast. At some point I decided that people and relationships were the most important to me, and I tried my best to be a better friend and figure out how to solve and address conflicts. At some point this got twisted though, and I outsourced my self worth. If I am not loved, then I must be unlovable. If a friend pulls away, I have done something wrong. I worry Amand care too much about what people think, rather than what I think. Like i could solve every problem by changing myself. Admitting my faults. Talking it out. But sometimes there’s nothing wrong, and nothing you do will make someone like you the wish they would. I feel narcissistic. Or like I’m a big black hole. Im lonely and I need love but I worry that no amount of affection would ever be enough, or I would like the old me and never be able to reciprocate as much and the person that loved me would be stuck feeling how I do right now. I wish I could remember what is like to just be okay myself. Just to like myself for the very existence of being me. Not think I’m perfect or even great but just okay. And not need to draw proof that I’m worthy of existing from actions, or grades, or people in my life.

But instead I feel bad all the time. And lonely. And the only way that I can talk back to the voice inside my head that is telling me I’m bad is to point to things outside myself and say “look! I have friends and loved ones and I help people and I work hard so I can’t be bad!”
But the voice discredits these things so easily- if I ever mess up, or do something I think may negatively affect something or somebody somewhere, or a friend ever acts a little cold, or I see the people around me being loved while I’m not, or I ever get jealous— the voice says “ha! See? I told you you were terrible all along- you do things terribly, you’re a hypocrite, you’re making the world a worse place, your a bad friend, you did something wrong, your are not worthy of being loved”

I wish I didn’t need to prove myself to that voice in my head.
I wish I could just believe that I was okayish
So when that inner voice says “you’re bad”
I could just say “no. Your wrong”
No need for proof
No arguments for that negative part of me to refute or tear down.
No exhausting back and fourth in my head
No endless need to be perfect
No self hatred for needing to be perfect
Just doing what I feel is the right thing to do and knowing that I might make mistakes but that I’m still okay.
I tell myself that I’m still okay
But I don’t believe it
Right now I believe I’m bad
And I hate that I believe I’m bad
I wish that I could believe I’m good/okay
I think that i shoul believe that I’m okay

But I don’t
I don’t even have that much confidence
Or self worth
I’m fragile
And lonely

I can’t eat a piece of chocolate without hating myself for eating it, and then hating myself for hating myself for eating it.
And I can’t write a journal entry without feeling narcissistic and over dramatic and cringey and self absorbed and crazy.
This sucks.

I wish I could be more chill

And I which i could show this to a friend and have them understand me but I’m too afraid of rejection or how it would effect them or how they saw me, and I can’t talk to my therapist right now either to atleast get it out of my own echo-chamber of a head.

And while this is one worry of mine I have many others. This was more of a theme statement or a hypothesis about why I feel the way I do that I stumbled upon when I originally started this diary entry to write about loneliness and friendship. I’m also worried about grades and my mom and what I’ll do in the future and climate change and if ***** will one day kill herself and I worry about my sister’s mental health and I miss my friends and I wonder if I’ll be a good parent and I worry about being weird to strangers and I feel bad for accepting kindness from professors and friends and I worry if like be able to keep up with workloads with work and school and I worry about being ignorant of my privilege and I think about how grossly much we waste and take for granted things here vs in lower income areas vs in areas decimated by war and natural disaster and I worry about The long term consequences of vaping and

I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I take adderall for my adhd because ppl in college abuse it for recreation and supposed study enhancing so now I feel dirty too and I worry about my anxiety getting worse and I worry about going crazy or becoming homeless or my whole family dying or me dying or me living a super long life and being sad for all of it and I worry about wasting too much time being lazy or forming bad habits or not exercising enough or malnourishing myself and I worry that I’m gonna box up all my emotions and go through another version of senior year again after finally starting to feel better and I don’t want to feel cold and I don’t want to feel needy and I don’t want to feel rage and I don’t want to have anxiety attacks and I worry that I’m too boring and I worry that I’m too weird and I worry that I’m too crazy and I worry that I’m too sheltered and I worry that I’ll be alone and I worry that I give advice that I can’t follow and I worry that I’m too bossy and I worry that I’m too annoying and I worry that Ill make my friends sadder and I worry that if I do finally find someone that I love that loves and accepts me I’ll duck it up

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:05 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.