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Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4
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#1
I was not sure where to post this, because in terms of mental health issues, we are talking about anxiety, panic and a dash of attachment disorder. But I am not writing about myself, but about an ex-girlfriend, so perhaps this should be under relationships? Admins please feel free to move this post if appropriate.
Why am I here? I recently broke up with a girl (let’s call her Emma) who suffers from the conditions I listed above. To clarify, she has not been clinically diagnosed with anything, but I think her symptoms fit. I would like to get some advice regarding how I should handle the breakup and support her, whilst hopefully allowing her to move on from our relationship as soon as possible. Why else am I here? I am struggling with the breakup myself. I miss Emma a lot. I loved her, I still do, sort of… I feel very guilty about ending my relationship with her, knowing the immense pain it will cause her. If I am totally honest, I guess I want to be told be told that it is not my fault and that I did the right thing. But at present, I obviously do not believe that. Relationship History I met Emma in the autumn of 2017 through mutual friends. At the time I was making good progress recovering from years of depression in my 20s, and finally felt ready to date again. I was drawn to her apparent positivity, kindness and of course, beauty. After a few weeks of courtship, we officially became a couple in early 2018. We enjoyed about a one month-long blissful honeymoon period before things started to go wrong…
The Break Up For the above reasons and others, I broke up with her after about 20 months together, including 6 months of a long distance relationship whilst I worked overseas. (I went home to do it in person). I feel so awful about hurting her so very much. She is the kindest, nicest and sweetest girl I have ever met. She gave me a chance when I had nothing (I lost my job when we first got together), when she was out of my league, I truly loved her and she loved me unconditionally. It is breaking my heart how much I have let her down, but I think if I persisted with our relationship, I would have inevitably slipped back into the nightmare depression that I suffered in my 20s. I feel so guilty that I (inadvertently) blew up her world, tore her family apart, took her out of the only comfortable home she knew... and then abandoned her. I feel like she is like a hedgehog that painfully pulled out her spines to be with me, and now I have left her bleeding in pain. It has been 2 weeks since our breakup, she is still living at my house with one other lodger. I got rid of another lodger that she found difficult to live with. For my finances (I have a mortgage) I could really use the rent money, but for now I have not set any timeline for when she should move out. I am still working overseas at present. I don't want to be cruel and tell her to leave, when I know that things are not okay (estranged from elder sister for over a year now, who has become downright nasty and crazy) in her own home, but I feel that by allowing her to remain at my house, she is holding onto false hope that I will change my mind and reconcile. She rang me crying for over an hour last weekend, it was heart-rending. I don't know what to do... |
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Skeezyks
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#2
I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to this. But I noticed you had yet to receive replies to your post. So I thought I would write one. You wrote you'd like to get advice regarding how to handle your breakup as well as to support your ex, "whilst hopefully allowing her to move on from our relationship as soon as possible." What I would like to suggest is that you can't. All you are going to accomplish by trying to do this is to pile additional unhappiness onto what has already been created. Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that I think speaks to this. The article is on the subject of divorce & not all of it is relevant. But I think the core principle, as expressed in the title, is apropos:
Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It The other thing you mentioned was your guilt at what you believe you have done to your ex. I don't think I have any words of wisdom to offer with regard to that. The situation simply is what it is. It's unfortunate things have worked out as they have. But, on the other hand, you can't sacrifice your life for your ex either. Here's link to DocJohn's article on the subject of guilt from PC's archives. The article provides links to quite a few additional articles on the subject: Coping with Guilt | Psych Central And then here's a link to yet another interesting article I happened on that may hold some relevance for you: Fear Of Being The Bad One: The Problem of Breaking UP | Healing Together for Couples Good luck... __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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