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circles5
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 04:36 PM
  #1
Hi,
I'm alright.
I think my rollerblading years came into play here.
But I made my way down a flight of stairs, about 10-12 steps on my arse while holding a pint.
Thing that's more haunting than 100 plus people suddenly stopping everything they are doing abruptly, just to stare at me regarding my Body Dysmorphia...
- Is no-one said a thing.
I either came across as so drunk that talking with me was a risk not doable.
Or, what.... I was so awkward and have mastered the art of the body language of; mandatory social isolation.. or bad things will happen to you..

Why didn't anyone even ask if I was OK... not even a gasp.... (though I may be biased in my re-collection as the gasp{s} would likely have happened on step 7-10 whilst I was flying down the stairs, and I would have been soaring on adrenaline.
It was just a unanimous - drunken pause/wtf!? ,, then I stood up, covered in beer - literally like a had just had a shower. I tried to pull it off by having a sip of beer and shrugging... but I had poured the entire thing on my head.
And; ~In my experience - everyone got back to business about 8 seconds after my descent. . Likely due to embarrassment at the whole proceedings; which I took personally of course..
On the bright side it could have gone a lot worse regarding the pint glass in my hand.
I made my way directly to the exit.

I was drunk certainly, and I've been having problems with over-drinking for the last two years.
I've been addicted to this and that for a long time, I seem to need something ( a drug) in my life the whole time otherwise it's just empty.

That's mostly due to my Avoidant Personality Disorder style of mind.. the drinking to fill a gap. But today, with the stairs was triggering for me on all fronts. I feel deeply embarrassed and mortified - it just confirmed to me what a social outcast I am - as well as it being a; failed, un-prepared and un-intended exposure response prevention exercise (regarding BDD).

I'm hurting, but surprisingly typing this I'm quite numb emotionally and retrospectively. Probably the beer is helping considerably in that regard.

__________________
DX: BDD, OCD,
Avoidant Personality Disorder, C-Ptsd

RX: 4mg Diazepam daily


___

Last edited by circles5; Oct 18, 2019 at 04:56 PM..
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Confused Oct 18, 2019 at 05:27 PM
  #2
How are you doing? I fell on my butt while getting out of a truck and because of this i have had sciatic nerve damage. Why did no one help you? Do you feel no one cares about you ? I can tell you right now that those people have something seriously wrong with them. Hopefully you do not see them often as they sound like people who do not care. Were they your friends? You missed out alot.
Take care of yourself ( Hugs)
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 05:51 PM
  #3
Thanks Shelda.
I'm sorry to hear you have been dealing with damage from a fall.
I was lucky.

I don't feel anyone cares. I never have.
If it was a room of 'friends' I would have put them straight!.; as friends would care..
but this was a room full of strangers; about 100 at least..
I don't have a clue why none of them seemed to care... or what I've begun thinking; is the ones who did care; felt too embarrassed on my behalf to 'stand up in-front of the crowd. >
I mean it really was a crowd... Friday night - busiest, best pub for miles and miles.
I think I've already written it off as something that didn't happen.,
------

Weirdest thing is I blame myself. Yes I drank beers, fell down some stairs. (wet stairs, wet shoes but still..... drunk)
But I feel I deserved the fall... and everyones' response/lack of response is what I deserve.(I think this belongs in a AVPD or maybe the Social Anxiety Disorder forum.)
But on the anxiety front, it's re-enforced my BDD beliefs. I now feel validated as ugly once again.

Happened to be the first time I went out shaved head.
I've been going bald for the last 10 years. And I committed to shaving my head 1 month ago... been wearing a hat since but today I decided to drop that safety behaviour. ... and now I feel awful as my 'feedback' was awful...

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Avoidant Personality Disorder, C-Ptsd

RX: 4mg Diazepam daily


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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 08:23 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by circles5 View Post
Hi,
I'm alright.
I think my rollerblading years came into play here.
But I made my way down a flight of stairs, about 10-12 steps on my arse while holding a pint.
Thing that's more haunting than 100 plus people suddenly stopping everything they are doing abruptly, just to stare at me regarding my Body Dysmorphia...
- Is no-one said a thing.
I either came across as so drunk that talking with me was a risk not doable.
Or, what.... I was so awkward and have mastered the art of the body language of; mandatory social isolation.. or bad things will happen to you..

Why didn't anyone even ask if I was OK... not even a gasp.... (though I may be biased in my re-collection as the gasp{s} would likely have happened on step 7-10 whilst I was flying down the stairs, and I would have been soaring on adrenaline.
It was just a unanimous - drunken pause/wtf!? ,, then I stood up, covered in beer - literally like a had just had a shower. I tried to pull it off by having a sip of beer and shrugging... but I had poured the entire thing on my head.
And; ~In my experience - everyone got back to business about 8 seconds after my descent. . Likely due to embarrassment at the whole proceedings; which I took personally of course..
On the bright side it could have gone a lot worse regarding the pint glass in my hand.
I made my way directly to the exit.

I was drunk certainly, and I've been having problems with over-drinking for the last two years.
I've been addicted to this and that for a long time, I seem to need something ( a drug) in my life the whole time otherwise it's just empty.

That's mostly due to my Avoidant Personality Disorder style of mind.. the drinking to fill a gap. But today, with the stairs was triggering for me on all fronts. I feel deeply embarrassed and mortified - it just confirmed to me what a social outcast I am - as well as it being a; failed, un-prepared and un-intended exposure response prevention exercise (regarding BDD).

I'm hurting, but surprisingly typing this I'm quite numb emotionally and retrospectively. Probably the beer is helping considerably in that regard.
I'm sorry to hear that you fell down! Are you okay? I fell off my bed and bruises my tail bone.
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circles5
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Default Oct 19, 2019 at 08:47 AM
  #5
Hey, yeah I'm ok thanks. Little cut on my hand.. minor sprain. But all things considered I'm totally fine physically. Very lucky. It was quite a dramatic fall.
about 7ft down in less than a second.

Sorry you fell off the bed. I've landed on my tailbone before. Really sore.. makes sitting down a real nuisance for a few days.

Some nice moisturiser helps a lot. Feels better anyhow.

Take care,
C5

__________________
DX: BDD, OCD,
Avoidant Personality Disorder, C-Ptsd

RX: 4mg Diazepam daily


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