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GlassCloud
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 05:33 PM
  #1
(This is partially a repost from my introduction post)

I suppose I'm looking for affirmation that what I'm experiencing is "normal" and curable... I want to make sense of what's happening to me, and to know whether this sounds like a typical 'mental illness' and not a manifestation of something physical or neurological.

Background: I have a natural inclination towards anxiety disorders. I struggled with OCD for 10 years, and have had short off and on bouts of depersonalization/derealization since I was quite young. I have also had panic attacks infrequently since childhood.

Two months ago, I accidentally received a high dosage of THC via an edible which plunged me into a horrific, helpless state for about 5 hours. I heard voices, couldn't walk, felt very nauseous, felt split from reality and had intensely paranoid thoughts. I was terrified for my life and for my sanity, and everything felt strange, ominous, and unfamiliar. Once this wore off, I felt more or less back to typical self by the next day. Fast forward one week, and I made perhaps the worst decision of my life. I decided to put a microdose of THC into my tea, and this decision spiraled me into a very, very dark place. I became intensely paranoid that I was going to relive the week before's nightmare. I felt as though I was sinking into the ground, and layed in bed for 4 hours trying to distract myself with phone games. After this period of time, I started to think I felt better and put on a show... then suddenly, a dark thought slipped into my head again and this time it hit me hard enough that I could barely breath... my chest and throat were so tight. I couldn't stand or walk for about 10 minutes. I moved myself outside, and sat there for 3 hours fighting to breath, scared I was about to die of suffocation or heart-attack. This panic lasted 4 days, during which time I went to the ER. They took blood and urine and everything came back normal. It seems this was an ongoing severe panic attack. For those days I was unable to sleep at all, and ate very little. After the 4 days, I went in and out of the panic state. Now after 2 months, I still have fairly daily severe panic attacks (or what I call "panic attacks", not sure if that's what they are). They most often strike me at night/dusk. They typically last for a minimum of 1-2 hours, but often continue until I fall asleep. During this time, I usually get severe nausea sometimes with vomiting, become dizzy and lightheaded, struggle to walk/stand, struggle to breath (even though I do not hyperventilate), struggle to think clearly, become paranoid, and feel totally helpless and scared for my life/sanity. I often also feel a sense of ominous dread, as though everything around me is evil and unfamiliar. I feel that I cannot cope with reality, nor can I cope with being stuck inside myself. Depersonalization/derealization sometimes accompany the panic attack, or may trigger after the attack and last anywhere from a few hours to a few days.

So... can anyone relate to this experience? Does it seem normal? I so badly want to get better and to return to who I was before this all happened. I miss my life. My school work/grades are suffering, and I can't really do anything out of fear an attack will occur and I'll be by myself or unable to get away. I also am struggling to cope with the attacks themselves... I feel helpless, scared, overwhelmed, and defeated. Everything feels sinister and "too much" for me. It's as though all love, warmth, and familiarity have been drained from my experience of the world... I'm terrified I'll never be able to regain a sense of normalcy.

Please, if you have any suggestions, advice, or have been through something similar, let me know. I want to believe I can get better.
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 09:07 PM
  #2
Dear GlassCloud, You remind me of myself, so many times throughout my life. I know those feelings & experiences you described. I would guess the roots of your panic, etc., go back to your childhood & lots of trauma. I hope you can find a really good therapist, someone you feel comfortable with, whom you can trust. I think the right therapist & therapy can help you. I will be wishing you the best of luck. God bless you! Lots of hugs!
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Default Nov 01, 2019 at 02:03 AM
  #3
I had an almost identical experience about 10 years ago, it resulted in my first hospitalization and triggered my first full-blown panic attacks. I had always had anxiety and was depressed prior, but total panic hadn’t really happened yet.

It also triggered DP/DR which ruined me for years... I worried constantly about completely losing my mind, that nothing was “real”, that I’d ruined my brain forever and would never feel remotely normal ever again.

It took time, but it did improve. I will say, not to scare you, that almost 10 years later I am not 100% the same... but is anyone the same person they were 10 years ago? I just find my anxiety/depression a little more unrelenting now. Having such a bad experience with a substance most people consider to be pretty safe made me terrified of trying new things (drugs, foods, even external body products like soaps and lotions) because I was convinced I’d be the one unlucky person out of thousands to react badly, just like I did to cannabis.

The best thing for me was to try not to focus on it - way easier said than done. But being hyper-aware of it seems to amplify it. I had to force myself to try to carry on with normal routine.

The feelings still come back every so often, but usually only when I’m completely off all medications or in particularly stressful times.

I’m not a doctor but I think you’ll be okay <3 it definitely doesn’t hurt to talk to a professional though!
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Default Nov 06, 2019 at 12:30 PM
  #4
So sorry to hear about your struggle. I have dealt with panic attacks and they are so scary. From what you said, it sounds like the THC was toxic for you. The problem with that is you never know what it is laced with that can give you sporadic, horrifying side effects. Sounds like THC is poison for you. A friend of mine got a bad batch and he ended up boarding up all of the windows in his home, explaining that people were out to get him. Unfortunately, he ended up being hospitalized for paranoia. Hopefully if you steer clear of the THC these issues will resolve themselves. Wishing you the best of luck and good mental health.
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Default Nov 25, 2019 at 10:04 PM
  #5
Thanks MaybeGhosts I really appreciate your reply... it does scare me a bit that even 10 years later you still find yourself struggling, but I'm also relieved that you haven't gotten worse and haven't developed schizophrenia or anything (which is something that scares me). I do overall seem to be getting better... it's very slow, much slower than I would have anticipated, and it has ups and downs, but all in all I seem to be experiencing full-blown attacks much less frequently, although my depression seems to be worsening. At this point, I still get paranoid about random things triggering me, and I've become very unreliable socially (I will stop responding to messages because my panic gets worse). I also have experienced a really weird and extremely painful menstrual period this month, not sure if there's a connection there... I'm trying to do everything right, but not much seems to help me. The issue is that I no longer trust myself, or my body. I feel trapped in it, and every physical sensation worries me and feels unbearable. I went to a mental health nurse who said I've likely experienced some brain inflammation, in addition to just going through a trauma, which has taken its toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I just want to get back to who I was.
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Heart Nov 26, 2019 at 12:49 AM
  #6
Dear GlassCloud, You are obviously going through an extremely difficult time. I have been where you are, so it feels painful to me to realize what you're feeling. Not trusting, feeling trapped, having unbearable sensations, & having traumas taking their toll on you mentally, physically, & emotionally. I see you don't post much. Many of us can identify with you. As many have said on various posts, you are not alone. Panic, anxiety, depression, various kinds of pain, etc. are wounds that can heal in time. We can help each other. I hope you will feel like one of us & less alone. God bless you! I said a prayer for you. Lots of hugs to you!!
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Default Nov 30, 2019 at 10:55 AM
  #7
Thank you so much Breaking Dawn, I appreciate your kind words. I thought I was making a lot of progress, but last night I ended up back in the ER due to severe and overwhelming panic and dread... it just seemed to get worse and worse, building despite the fact I wasn't consciously thinking of anything upsetting. I really feared for my sanity, thinking that if it continued to escalate that I would become psychotic. I did take an ativan but I didn't feel that it helped me near as much as I needed it to... I just can't cope with this. The fear of it happening again keeps me paranoid and on edge, I feel like I can't live my life. It felt like re-experiencing my trauma all over again, making it fresh once more- despite all the work I've been putting in to improve.
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