Gotta watch the stress level

... not great reading but helps me grow so thank you, PS, for the space...and hello to anyone reading

I have been in some sort of sleep deprived go mode. Scrambling to ground and reduce anxiety that is the result of too much stress, having a touch of a stress disorder, and trauma from a year ago that I was afraid might reoccur.

A good night os sleep tonight, I hope. I need some reparative sleep. I hope I can feel comfortable on my pillow and mattress...
I’ve been listening to sleep music on YouTube which helps a bit but only if I’m very tired, otherwise it’s too obnoxious. Actually I’m going to put it on now and see how that goes.

I try to get eight hours of sleep, and bare minimum six, but’s its been like 3 or 4 a few too many, 5 sometimes, and 6 most often. I was told by the doc that I should at least get six, at worst, so I start to worry when I don’t follow doctors orders. I could get a reoccurrence.

Too much stress too long lately led to anxiety, a pit of paranoia, and I believe some auditory hallucinations, but I’m hoping it was a couple of real noises, I just don’t know what. I did have some extreme sweating and panting, shaking hands, and dry mouth. Nonetheless, nothing compared to the past, and way back. Again, I was feeling dread and fear that something bad will happen, or something terrible will reoccur.

I do start to think of the past...not on purpose or in a helpful way, but more like flashblacks and I realize...oh...I forgot all about “that.” It feels spooky, and I can’t think clearly about anything.

Still, Way the past has almost lost its power over me...I think...

I am feeling ashamed of my timidity. My freeze bothers me. I look back upon myself like a feral animal, and I can get so quiet, slow, and lose my voice.
Not the real me, whoever that is.

I am pleased with myself that I am working to recapture myself, the real me who was been lost through fear and abandonment. and me Who finds my way and then gets lost again by fear and abandonment.

I have gotten lost in my mind, or triggered, and I used to faint from it, but then I fought to stay awake, and it was much better to faint believe me. I see that my system preserved me by putting me to sleep. I would wake up slowly, half in my dream world, half in the world around me, and I would begin to feel the crushing blow of reality, yet at least I had that dream world to delight in, and draw upon.
the panic attack is a terrible feeling.

I have some very scary anxiety times that I’d like to express. The auditory stuff would really bother me..crashes, booms, clicks, cracks, slams, I would stare at the bedroom door and wait for a figure to appear (robber, killer, etc). No one would be there, and I have to admit it was just a noise in my mind. I didn’t talk about it ever to anyone. Well I did think it was normal at one point, I think.
Also my jaw gets very tense. I have woken up with a stuck jaw, completely out of place it seemed.

Also, I would be at a store shopping and be worrying that I was stealing. I’ve never stolen anything, ever, so this was off the wall thinking and I had zero desire to steal. I had some guilty fearful thoughts that I was doing something wrong, but I didn’t know it. I thought they would show me footage of me stealing.

I would play games with the clock, like between certain hours I would think I might be murdered, and after 5 am I was probably safe.

One time I was so stressed and anxious, I was driving home, but couldn’t remember what my house looked like. I couldn’t picture it..not outside, inside, the street, neighborhood, just literally NO recall at all of where I lived. I ended up driving home, but still couldn’t picture my house until I was a block away from it. I wondered if I had a brain tumor or some, or was having a stroke or something.

I had one panic attack while taking my son to an event. I felt awful and I was sweating and moaning, and trying desperately to stay conscious and focused. My son was probably scared to death with me acting like that. I got us there. I took him in, and then laid in the van trying not to faint. I was shaking and realizing I hadn’t enough to eat for the time of day, etc., so I thought I was having a low blood sugar attack or something. I’m ashamed to say I was eating old candy off the floor of the van because I thought I was dying. I felt so guilty that happened while I was driving. I guess now I know that was a panic attack.

Once I was at the grocery store for just a bit before I had to abandon my cart because I was having way too much anxiety suddenly. My plan was to get home ASAP then I could walk to school to get my kid an hour or so later. I couldn’t drive but a block before I pulled into a parking lot because there was no way I could drive. I drove from one parking lot to another, and then finally home. It took me an hour or so just to get to the house (would be 5 minutes normally). In the parking lot I had been laying in the van again, experiencing excruciating pain all through my body and what felt like a big hand pressing my head down. Could not lift my head. About thirty minutes in or so, I lifted my head and saw a pizza place employee smoking on their break. They didn’t see me, but I was looking at them wondering if I should call for them to get me help. I laid there experiencing such painful thoughts, memories, feelings, I don’t even know. Just shame shame shame and extreme fear and confusion and pain. That was such a bad day. I didn’t faint. Almost did later that day but fought it off

I’ve had the same thing happen several times, just not driving.
It’s horrible and each time it got shorter and less intense. I started to get shortcuts through it. I would remember a symbol or sentence to help bring me back to the world.

Anyway so many other scary times

I’m sorry you are suffering from panic attacks. It sounds like you get an idea that is a discomforting thought and that triggers you.

Thanks tishabuv. True, a lot of these episodes are based on thoughts and ideas. Hmm.
Sometimes just being in an area of town was making me worry i would run into someone I was afraid to see (my mom/her husband) and that would set off the attack.