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Biba_yu
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 06:05 AM
  #1
Hello, I am Biba, and I have lots of issues, but one of problematic psychological issues I have is really bad social anxiety. I am terrible with people and socializing. So, of course, I love animals. I always carry bags with cat and dog food and feed any hungry doggy or kitty I found. I already have some "street" friends. My best friend is my cat, and only one whom I told "I love you".
But with people... different story. I am very very lonely, and I tend to isolate myself because I am so afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone else unintentionally. The second one got so bad lately because people get offended with everything today so I quit most social media because I felt attacked every time I wrote something that completely without my attention offended someone. Yes, when I am confronted I leave. It's affecting my life so much that my boss had to move me in separate room away from open office because I was traumatised from coworkers who bullied me. I tried to fight back but it got worse, I lost control over my inner anger and I hated myself for becoming that angry person, so I asked to leave and got the small room for me. I guess I am lucky I got that, but I am disturbed how happy I am because I am completely alone now every day at work.
I had a boyfriend, but I always felt unloved and like I am bothering him, and that is a long story but it didn't end well. I loved him quite a lot and I am devastated and I know I will never have relationship again. I am bad at it. I have no friends, he was my only friend, so there is that too.
I am loneliest person in the world, but ironically, I am more lonely when I am around people than when I am actually alone. I always feel like no one likes me, and people find me weird, creepy or boring, or just plain unlikable.
Mind you, I often hear I don't look like socialy inept person. I hear I look conceited and arrogant. I don't have that typical "introvert" look. I am tall, built like an Amazonian woman, with large hair and I am very noticaeble person. That makes people think I am not socialy awkward but just arrogant and conceited. I am also confused in conversations. I start to blabber, sometimes I accidentally offend someone, I get confused and then I just run away. I feel hopeless. I tried everything under the sky including sport, medidation, therapy, meds etc.
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winter4me
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 08:35 AM
  #2
It is hard when you are not just anxious about other people's reaction to you but also your reaction to them. The first piece to tackle is your own anger, so that you can listen to others and be responsive instead of reactive.
When you try an intervention how long do you keep at it? It sounds like it would be important to keep physically active and to practice relaxation/meditation/yoga in a group so it is sort of social but not demanding.
If you feel confused, it is ok to say "I feel confused"...or "could you explain?"
None of us know what the future will bring. Hang in there.

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Smile Feb 20, 2020 at 07:53 PM
  #3

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Biba_yu
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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 06:09 AM
  #4
Thank you, winter4me, I agree with you, I am very self-focused and too aware and "walking on egg shelves" in futile try not to offend anyone or broke some social "laws" that may exist. I noticed it goes much better when I listed to someone and focus on them, but sometimes I just forget that and desperately want to leave good impression so much that I escape, literally. disappear. I am not always angry, but I tend to react badly when someone is repeatedly rude to me. The next reaction is of course, to run away and hide, like in the office.
I don't know, people confuse me so much.

Skeezyks, thanks for links, I especailly appreciatte podcast which I listened and I feel like there are very useful information in there.
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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 06:36 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
Thank you, winter4me, I agree with you, I am very self-focused and too aware and "walking on egg shelves" in futile try not to offend anyone or broke some social "laws" that may exist. I noticed it goes much better when I listed to someone and focus on them, but sometimes I just forget that and desperately want to leave good impression so much that I escape, literally. disappear. I am not always angry, but I tend to react badly when someone is repeatedly rude to me. The next reaction is of course, to run away and hide, like in the office.
I don't know, people confuse me so much.

Skeezyks, thanks for links, I especailly appreciatte podcast which I listened and I feel like there are very useful information in there.
Know you are not alone. I also become anxious about my social interactions. I will often feel OK during the interaction and then leave and begin to think of/imagine things I said/did that will be criticized by others. In reality, not so much...I think lots of us feel confused a lot more often than we would like to admit. Skeezyks is a great resource.

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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 11:44 PM
  #6
You sound like a very sensitive and caring person. Anyone who ever gets to know the real you would be blessed.
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