Anxiety and sleeping disorder

Guys hello I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now.
My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but..

May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.

Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there.
One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again.

But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign...
I became obsessed with her, she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not.

I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.



She used to tell everyone that it was love at first sign, that they were soulmates - and I don't know why but I am afraid of this. I am afraid of this being true and I am afraid that he wants to get back together so that he can say that we gave it another try.. Also now I have moved away from my city so the time has come for our plans and that is also why he maybe wants to try again. Because this was our plan. She said that she would even move for him. I feel so stupid for having these thoughts but I am so tired. I just want to be me again.

Please don't judge me, I know people have worst problems, but I am so tired. I am begging God everyday to not wake up the next day. I want this to stop. I was always joyful, and brought the energy in the room. Even now people say that I am very positive person and that they can tell me everything and I listen to them and feel as if they are talking about someone else. How can you see me like that? I always wanted to be a surgeon but even the thought of that doesn't make me happy anymore.

He says my insecurity and low self esteem are taking away his energy... And that is why I am even more afraid that he is secretly communicating with her because she is more stable I guess..
I just want my head to stop. I want to feel good again, I want to be me again. I don't want to be afraid

8 Questions to Consider:

Are you constantly the “Grown Up” in the Relationship, even though the other person is capable of doing more?

Do you regularly have to make excuses for a partner and fix problems resulting from bad behavior?

Do they seem content to let you carry the load?

Is it always about them and rarely about you, even when your clearly stressed?

Have you sacrificed important relationships, your well being or own development for your partner?

Are you starting to feel taken advantage of and resentful about the sacrifices you’ve made?

Are you largely meeting your partner’s needs while they rarely meet yours?

Do friends and loved ones express concern about how much your sacrificing for your partner?

When you give your heart to someone and that person does not respect your feelings or sees the person you are inside of you, it hurts. I know about not sleeping or eating for that matter. I try to, but when I wake up in the middle of the night my mind won't shut off. After 30 days of this punishment I realize I'm only hurting myself because the other person is continuing life without one thought of what I may be going through. So this morning I realize they are not worth it and for my own well being, I must pretend they are DEAD to move forward and get over this.

I think you feel you bother people because you are used to do everything by yourself and now you are living a crisis. It’s normal you feel vulnerable and you are so responsible that don’t want to be a charge for others.

One day, when you feel stronger you will see that you have great lessons to learn. For example, you have to take care of all yourself. Not only the part that has a relation with this, I’m sure, marvellous guy, but also those parts who have friends and keep contact with other marvellous people, the one who has her own space to cultivate her hobbies.

I understand you don’t want to feel like that because you yourself know how strong and positive you are but there are people as you or me who are very sensitive to romantic love and they feel as the sky falling down over their heads when they can lose the person of their affection.

In my opinion, he has to mature a little because he should understand why you are full of doubts. Still it’s soon to recover trust. This would be something to consider. He should understand it.

I wouldn’t take any decision now. I would try to gather all the information I could about your guy. The way he manage this issue, the way he behaves with you...

Tell us about if you want to share about it and feel confident enough.
We are here. All of us, one way or another have have a breakout or suffer an infidelity. So, I don’t think anyone is gonna judge you here for the feelings you have or the struggles or the tries you want to give this relationship.

I just, I wanted to say thank you. I don't know you and I felt empathy from your side, something that I really really needed. Thank you so much And everything that you have said it's true. I am glad people like you exist, I am happy that your friends have a friend likeyou

Anytime you need to talk, you can pm me.

update: We were trying to work things out, right? And yesterday he said that he has been feeling again emotionally dead and doesn't feel anything(especially towards me) and bla bla bla, and wants us to come up with a solution.
And when I asked him now if we are not together will he go back to that girl he was two months ago, after us, he said Who knows ....................
I feel soooooo worthless, I feel like he saw what being with me again feels and chose her because she is so much more........ I am worthless, I can't make anyone stay or love me.

I’m sorry a lot. As hard as you can see it now. I know just know your own world is falling onto your you, he was honest with you, it means you count for him, obviously, not as his romantic partner now but he did the best for everyone.
You have to think now about you. It’s gonna be sterile to torture you with the idea of him engaging with her. He’s not for you anymore. You shared a beautiful time together and this is what will remain along the time.

Now, you have to face to a loss and a grief and we are here to help you in the way we can.

I know my words come easily and my position is comfortable because I’m nit living these tough moments you are, so I even understand that you could say: Look at her, it’s easy to say all this. It’s me who is supporting this anguish.
I know it. This is your thread. Talk if you need it, express what you need it if you think you are gonna feel better. We will listen to you.

turns out he has been in contact with her the whole time while ;we were trying to work things out;....
and we separated because he said he is feeling emotionally dead (again) and I have found out this about her yesterday... He even said ; I will contact you when I get better ;. wtf, why doesn't he chose her already if he wants her so much.
I know I know it is irrational but I feel so not good enough. Like he was with me, sleeping next to me, trying to work things out but in the end, he decided that she is better than me and worth it. I wasn't.

I’m sorry a lot and I understand you don’t find any consolation. Have you a good social net? People you could find some kind of support at these moments. I tell you because there are people who are alone or don’t have a good social net.
As I see the situation you have to try to put your pieces together little by little and put this guy in the past. But, I know you already know this point.
It’s not anything personal against him, he surely enjoyed and was in love with you but I assure you that most of things change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for bad, sometimes it’s uncertain. Maybe there are fabulous things waiting for you. You can’t think in that possibility just now, I know it.
I’d wish you didn’t have to went through this. I know it’s hard. Especially when you began to compare you with the other girl.