Fear of being stupid/crazy/narcisstic/...

(sorry for some mistakes in my English, it's not my native language
I know I have never been the sharpest pencil in the box, but in past few years (and especially, this year) the feeling of being mentally subnormal has been really overflowing me.
To add some context, few years back I have been bullied by my classmates, which caused me alot of fears. Most of it I handled with my old psychologist, but ocassional depression waves and that small spark of need to be accepted by others still stayed with me. I have became very closed person who mostly spends free time in front of her computer browsing internet (not even chatting with someone, as I'm too scared to talk on forums/videogames), but I try to make some steps to get back on the track, find some friends, hopefully new hobbies and so on. Last three-four years on highschool have been pretty fine, I even made one solid friend, but there is that one feeling that creeps me out, and that's being behind my classmates. I struggle socially (I tend to stutter when I get nervous, have sometimes problems with forming sentences that make sense, and sometimes, I say ... "automatic responses"?), and intelectually. I'm not very good with understanding politics, history, etc. which I think is caused by my constant computer lounging but am trying to slowly change it, and have big problems with processing information. I tend to suddenly... freeze? I suddenly stop feeling world around me and am blankly staring in front of me, and after 'waking up' from that effect, I feel suddenly slowed down. It happends to me when I get some fear, or when something unexpected happends (f.e. a person that never talks to me asks me for favour). It's so frustating when these things (stuttering, blank stare, weird sentences,...) happends, as right after I say/do it, I know it was stupid thing to do and I feel ashamed. Those dark thoughts such as 'everyone thinks you're mentally retarded' and 'they're not nice to you, they only manipulate you because you're acting like a child' are craving to me again, and it's slowly getting worse, especially they crave inside my mind when my mom/brother tells me how I never use my brain, which really hurts me. For past... year?, I'm constanly trying to examine my responses and thoughts, and am looking for unnusual things that I'm doing that would confirm my dumbness or craziness (yesterday I realized when I'm looking on some videos, I try to talk inside my mind fake monologues 'what if' I showed it to my classmates) - why am I doing it, I guess to feed my dark thoughts and confirm them it's true. I'm even finding some narcisstic things (do you see how much 'I am' and 'me' I used here in this post? How it all looks like I want to be called smart?) and it really, really scares me. I don't want to be such person, not just... crazy, uneducated or narcisstic, but also someone who constanly check herself.
... do you have any tips what to do against it? And if it's possible to see from my writing... am I crazy? I apologize if this post doesn't makes sense, I just have big chaos in my thoughts right now. Thanks everyone who read throught this mess ^^'

Dear Pidffee,

I don't think you are crazy. Do you think that perhaps you are suffering from depression? It can be common when one is afflicted with depression to paint a mental picture of oneself in exclusively negative terms.

It is also common in depression to put oneself on trial. Such mental trials about one's worth and so on are never fair because although they always include a judge, jury and prosecutor, they lack a defense attorney. I think that in your life so far you have done countless brave things, clever and intelligent things, and beautiful and good things. But you do not mention these in your post. Not being able to see the positive in oneself can sometimes be a symptom of the illness of depression for which there are effective medical treatments.

Every person could be more brave, more intelligent, more beautiful, more kind. But if one judges oneself from the point of view of "could be better" one misses half the reality of life. It is also true that every person could be less brave, less smart, less beautiful, less good. The "could be better" must be balanced with the "could be worse."

Craziness and sanity are not points on a line. They constitute a range of values. For example, there have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the deaths of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and campaigns of forced starvation. On the true scale of things, these things were crazy, stupid, cowardly and very evil. You are not anything like this. In fact, you are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from this level of cowardice, stupidity and evil . . . and mental insanity. You are basically and intrinsically a very good person!

But it is quite common in the illness of depression for a person afflicted with depression to lose perspective and see only the negatives about themselves. Although I do not know you personally, I am confident that you are braver than millions of people on the earth, and smarter, and so on.

Sometimes psychotherapy can help one to regain perspective about things and about themselves. If therapy alone is not completely effective, there are medical treatments.

Since I am not a physician or medical professional, I cannot do anything more than recommend that you see a physician. You are a good person suffering distress. You deserve to have peace of mind and joy of living. I do not think you are crazy. I think you are suffering. I also think you are very brave and heroic for bearing with the terrible distress you are suffering.

I hope things improve for you. It is so good that you exist in this world and I hope you can be free of the distress that assails you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Ideally I think the main suggestions here are, first, to get yourself checked out medically by a physician to make sure everything is okay physiologically. (I know you wrote, in a previous post, that this might be difficult due to your family's attitude.) But it really is the first step if you can do it.

And then, beyond that, the next step would be to get with a (new) psychologist or mental health therapist, depending on what's available to you where you live & begin to work through all of this with that professional. (I believe you also wrote, in a previous post, that you were going to do this. But you didn't mention anything here about having done so.)

You have quite a few concerns going on. And sorting all of this out, as well as figuring out what to do about it, is a job for a mental health professional. Most of us, here on PC, are consumers of mental health services not mental health professionals. So we can't offer mental health diagnoses or give professional mental health advice.

From a lay-person's perspective, your struggles could (I suppose) all be the result of high levels of anxiety. Perhaps they could involve some complex PTSD? Depression, social anxiety, & low self-esteem also sound as though they are probably problems for you as well. And then, perhaps, you're also what is referred to as a "highly sensitive person? I don't know. These are all just guesses on my part. At least from my perspective you're certainly not "crazy". And I don't believe you're a narcissist. (Lots of us, including yours truly, have narcissistic characteristics in our characters. But that doesn't make us anywhere near being actual narcissists.)

Beyond all of that, things you might consider doing just on your own, might include taking a look at your diet & making sure you're eating healthily, avoid caffeine, establish a personal meditation practice, & get plenty of exercise... stuff like that. These are all things that everyone can benefit from. As the old saying goes: Every journey begins with a single step. From reading your previous posts, it sounds to me as though a while back you made a good start & actually accomplished some things (with your previous psychologist). But at least it sounds to me as though, once your old psychologist left, you sort-of got bogged down again & now you need to get back up & get going a second time. Healing one's mental health struggles can take time. It just sounds to me as though your personal journey is not yet over. Best wishes...

My apologize for such a late reply!
Thank you both for your suggestions, really, I appreciete your help. Not going to lie, I totally forgot what I wrote in my previous post, and after re-reading it I feel quite surprised that I basically wrote the same post again. To tell some updates since May, I haven't done much to help myself from such state since then - only pinned an email adress of a psychologist I got suggested, and that's it. I haven't got inspected, as everyone from family thinks I am totally alright, just having problems with sorting my thoughts, and I'm not sure if I could book the specialist myself "secretly". Also that psychologist I mentioned in my last post - I had that one few years back, since then I was "on my own".
Your replies made me think about it again, so I finally pushed myself to write an email atleast to that psychologist. I'm going to see him tomorrow for the first time, I'm scared like a little mouse, but hopefully, he'l tell me what should I do with myself next. Thanks again guys.