SOmeone with Attachment Traum Trying to Regain a Sense of Control - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 05-24-2018, 06:26 PM #1
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Default SOmeone with Attachment Traum Trying to Regain a Sense of Control

Hello; I be 39, and have preoccupied attachment, apparently; I feel boundaryless. A lot of folks like me had happy childhoods, but still suffer attachment trauma, and it undermines my working with, and trusting others.

(By the way, I have really enjoyed a book by Kathy Brous; I found it really helpful. I would genuinely like to talk about it, if someone is willing.)

It specifically happened around fifteen; I felt trapped, and I still feel trapped in the past, and obligated; when others say that, I get angry. When others say I just want "power," I get mad, too. I had a choice: I chose to use the rules to my own ends, and the rules were valid, and still are. I refuse to be ashamed, because my motives were selfish, either; I had the choice, and I refuse to apologize for my choices, because they were un-honored.

I am not very specific, yes, but that is intentional. I have asked for help confronting my mother now, and been repeatedly rejected, which hurts. I believe cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to help by showing different ways of looking at things, and and am open to that, but am unsure that anyone is open to my viewpoint. At the end of the day, I followed my mother's STUPID orders, because I saw it as my duty; if they weren't my duty, well that is different. The other strategy, rather than obtain a sense of control through rebellion, was through obsessive loyalty, which I did, but it DID NOT work.

In any case, my biggest problem is not attachment trauma, but emotional numbness/learned helplessness. I have tried to cure that through confronting my mother, but found little support. I would happily be willing to focus on curing numbness than curing attachment, but have found little support for it.

I have reached certain conclusions about my world that are unvalidated; that leaves me untrusting. Accepting that my mother is a liar and hypocrite allows me to take choices I am otherwise uncomfortable with making, and that is why I wrestle with those issues.

Does that make sense?
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Old 05-24-2018, 07:28 PM #2
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Smile Re: SOmeone with Attachment Traum Trying to Regain a Sense of Control

Hello Noik: I believe this is your first posted thread here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I'm sorry I am not really able to offer anything with regard to your particular concerns. But hopefully there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some similar experiences & insights they can share. I wish you well...
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Old 05-25-2018, 04:16 PM #3
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Default Re: SOmeone with Attachment Traum Trying to Regain a Sense of Control

Sigh... I want to trust, to rely, on each other, but it is hard. There is nothing to push off of, and I just read "How to Change Your Attachment Style" on Psych Central. SOme have admitted my logic right, per se, but it has not helped, because it has not resulted in genuine support, just acknowledgement. THe bond that my mother and i had was that we took Scripture serious, so on what grounds do I just...walk away? That dishonors the bond. My sister the other day just said that I wanted to be right, or something like that, and I started screaming at her...I guess that I felt blame.

The solutions, per the article, are:

Heal your shame and raise your self-esteem. (See my books on shame and self-esteem.) This enables you not to take things personally.
Learn to be assertive. (See How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits.)
Learn to identify, honor, and assertively express your emotional needs.
Risk being authentic and direct. Don’t play games or try to manipulate your partner’s interest.
Practice acceptance of yourself and others to become less faultfinding — a tall order for codependents and distancers.
Stop reacting, and learn to resolve conflict and compromise from a “we” perspective.


One of my limits I set, per my Scriptural authority and prerogative, was demand my mother honor her word, and she refused. THe only other way I know of is to change my belief that Scripture is authoritative, or else learn that my interpretation, was wrong. I think someone secular could just rebuke my mother for not practicing what she preached, but I have not found that.

Also, every time I have tried being honest, I have tried being honest, I have been rejected, countless times. Essentially, I has have said, "It is my mother's duty that I demand my mother submit to me." If I sensed that they weren't passively against me demanding that, I think it would make a difference. I am open to change, and stop demanding--under the right conditions, but non violent communicators have to fall over themselves saying they are against me demanding that, on principle.

It is depressing, because non-violent ideology prevents them, from validating, like they are otherwise supposed to. I don't believe in non-violence, and neither does Scripture...I find it hard to be open, when others aren't open to what I am selling. That means I have no role models, essentially.

THe Truth, per Scripture, is violent; like it, lump it, or deny it, that be the truth, and if you want, let's debate, and reach conclusions.

Make sense? THe Bible is violent! I am applying it as Truth, because that is the best I can reckon, and am open. It uses violent imagery, Old and New, and it view or authority is VERY hierarchical. If you are secularist, and want to validate,please don't judge this view--that neutralizes, your empathy, because this is the basis of authority--power through service, to the Truth.

I think someone that said, "Philip, I don't like your values, but as much as your mother holds them too, it does indeed allow you to (non-literally) beat her over the the head with them, and as much as she resists, she is wrong. I you don't want him to, simply rject the principles justifying him to do so." THat would work, friend; that gets at the heart of it. Accusing me of being too-literal does not help, because at this point, I do not trust, and feels like an accusation. I'm being harsh because I do not trust; when you say I am being too literal, you are saying I am wrong, instead of explaining how, which I am open to.

I sense that others want me to change, stop being so harsh on my mother; well, why not support me in my harshness? I am doing the right thing as I see it, and I think I would relax. A secularist can believe in violence and punishment, and I think I need someone who can support my belief in it. I am not talking physical violence, mind you, but coercion, and hierarchy.

AM I making any sense? All I am talking about is using the rules to make my mother's teeth gnash, and I don't see problem, doing so.

I so desperately wanna hear, "Philip! Don't feel bad! Your mother was wrong to defy you! She was wrong, and you were right! Don't be so hurt!"

Last edited by Noik; 05-25-2018 at 05:49 PM.
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Old 05-28-2018, 07:35 PM #4
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Default Re: SOmeone with Attachment Traum Trying to Regain a Sense of Control

No replies? That's hard--I want more interactions...
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