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Old 05-01-2019, 02:26 PM #1
polletta polletta is offline
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Member Since: May 2019
Location: germany
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polletta polletta is offline
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Member Since: May 2019
Location: germany
Posts: 2

Default in relationship with Avpd - searching for help

hallo, please do not judge me if you can.

I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a great man I met a few years ago (I am italian): I left my (good) job in my country, my family, my house, because madly in love with him. I moved to germany. As soon as we went to live together, BUM: sometimes he had panic, he told me I should leave the house and find another flat, he ran away for days without answering phone calls etc. Which triggered my anxiety a lot.Then he came back and all the times he sweard he loved me, he was happy, but it was panicking.
After a few times he did, me totally clueless (I did nothing), I "imposed" the couple therapy, to understand and fix the stuff.
She did not labelled anyone, but she helped a LOT in deactivating fears (from both of us), in creating trust (with her in the first step: very humorous person, very positive), creating validation for both, and basically teaching us a simple step:
- when he needs to go away, me let him go without anxiety and chasing. When he needs to go away, go but tell her "I will be back, I just need some time". This worked PERFECTLY and after less than one year, he did not need to run away anymore: he has his own personal room in the house where to "hide" but actually he (and both) felt so easy with each other, that it was almost an "unused" room. We continued to discuss our different approaches to life in couple therapy, but it was good: lots of holidays, lots of nice stuff together, also socialization together (he does not take initiative, but enjoys when I organize lunches with friends and he feels welcomed and appreciated).


after a good summer in august-september 2018, and after a bad surgery to my breast (they told me : cancer....luckly it was not!) and me opening very quickly a health insurance in germany in order to have a quick operation, well...after that I started to think about "let s get married" (we are 46-47, it was more a "safety" about health, accidents, and legal stuff). But when he rejected without explanation, not being able even to talk to the couple therapist who asked him "what is the difference?" - I start feeling very bad....rejected. My mother also was surgered for cancer (she is dying) and I started feeling I left everything for someone who was not able to commit. I did not know his problem, so I continued to react like with a NT. But things started to go really downhill: the more he rejected to talk to me, closing up, running away again to avoid talking, the more I felt overwhelmed by all the situation (my surgery, my mother, him, etc etc).

I started becoming udgemental, fed up, criticizing, and aggressive. I am so ashamed: once he was sleeping in HIS room and after one week he could not talk to me, I woke him up in the night and had an outburst with crying, not understanding what was going on....he felt of course overwhelmed, and from the day after he went to sleep in another place, first in a hotel and then he rented a small room in the city, I dont know where. he ran away from home not answering to the phone for one week, I was really worried, I said "If you dont answer I will throw away your manga collection!!" and I did so. Afterwards he and me also tried again to meet sometimes, but always the escalation was just around the corner. Still, 6 weeks ago I lost a trolley on a train, inside my computer, and he immeditaly offered me to buy another one, we went together to do it. I also did nice things for him, invited him to cook together etc, but escalation was always around the corner (((


after that, he went no contact for a long while, leaving me complitely clueless. Now I feel that no one gave me any label: I understand psychologist tend not to label, but labels and diagnoses sometimes are helpful to understand the problem, instead of thinking that the person is a jerk!!!!!! If someone had told me first, I would have NEVER thrown his manga, never pushed him...I felt it was just excuses please dont judge me. the therapist told me at the beginning that he was so scared only because I was his first relationship and he was so used to be alone, and I could take it. I just could not the rest, after 3 years.... and now? now he is complitely ghosting me....3 months out of home, and one month with no contact at all. No answers the phones, once I went out of his job, as a surprise, we hugged and I felt he was happy to hug me, but as soon as I said "hei why are you not answering the phone?" he started to run physically away, saying I was stalking him (NO!!! 3 weeks no contact before!!!)...I felt so embarassed and scared.
a common friend wrote an email to him saying how I am ssad and guilty and I want to repair all the manga, rebuy them, and I feel extremely sorry: he answered he feels he is missing a part of him, his memories (manga which he bought in Japan many years ago) and he feels broken, and he hates me so much for this, he cannot get away his hatred for me. I still live in the house he pays for, and there are his stuff, he did not take them (but also because in the small room he rented, he could not): 2 months ago he told me he wanted to come back home, but then we escalated again.... I forgot to add we stopped (UNFORTUNATELY) to go to the couple-psychotherapist, and I think it is also why we made things horrible. We would have really needed. NOW: I know what an avoidant or schizoid finally is (the therapist named both, I think more to help me to understand, than making a real diagnosis)

....and I feel extremely guilty, stupid, and I would have liked to understand before (I dont even know if HE knows his diagnoses, if someone told him: the therapist told me when I went alone to speak with her, to help me finally to understand, but never talked to him). he has problems and I also have broken parts, we both have baggage, but it was so good how we both worked to improve in the past 2 years...we both did incredible steps toward each other....and now I feel I ruined everything...he is the best person in the world, and I really care for him, and I started also a support for my self, to learn to be better than I was....it was very difficult. and i made it more difficult for him tooo....is there a chance to improve a situation? will he ever come back? I dont think he will make a first step (generally he does not) and at the moment I want to give him space: now that I understand, I want him to see I can give him space, I would one day anyway to let him be sure that he can come back home "safe", I will buy everything back if he gives me the list, and he will have his room with key if needed I really love him, also for his aspects, and I am so sorry ...

please, if you have any suggestion or idea or opinion, I listen. Just dont judge, I do by myself already a lot...I also considered to have borderline traits and started a psychotherapy myself (I already did in the past for 4 years, my therapist thinks I am not, but I realize I did impulsive and aggressive behaviour and I want really change this in me - )


ps. I was very aggressive. his therapist told him he was very passive aggressive. Recognizing violence for twice I slapped and for throwing manga (horrible, I know) or shouting is easier, it is clear. When someone without explanations does not come for dinner, and phones are off, it is 20, 21, 23, and the day after the same, and the day after the same, and you dont know if he is alive or dead, living in anxiety if he will back or not, and not hearing for a week, or 2 weeks , is abusing too. When I told to the psychotherapist "eh but at the beginning he did it for shorter time, only 2 days" he commented "If i did it only for one day, my wife would kill me! 2 days is a lot" - I am not saying to say he is bad and I am not: world is not black and white . I also FEEL and KNOW i was abusive (and he was too). But I can see my part. And I know both can be better than this. We have been, and we escalated. What I asked for, saying "dont judge please" is not because I dont want to hear or because it hurts - I can do that by myself already. It is because it is absolutely no-use..I mean, I KNOW I did bad and I am so incredibly sorry, and I also know that the only way to fix it (I think) is go back to the couple therapist and try (maybe succeeding or no) to deactivate the situation and the escalation, like we did. Saying "You are abusive" or "oh yes he was abusive too", does not help - it is exactly the same cycle in which we accused each other in the last months - because it is a fact that I also felt abused by his ghosting from time to time...I could tell I was in india and he desappeared, I had to take a flight alone to vAranasi, he reached me a couple of days later, how anxious was I???? but I am not here to continue the vicious circle of accusing and counteraccusing. I think I did bad, we both did, but I can only change my part. So: how - is the question. If he will accept to try, it is up to him. I still would like to try
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Old 05-05-2019, 10:17 AM #2
polletta polletta is offline
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Default Re: in relationship with Avpd - searching for help

ps I think I have BPD and searching for therapy, just started
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