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Old 01-24-2020, 04:08 PM   #11
jackofall101
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

Hi - I'm posting today just to be able to share as therapy. I am 55 years who is married with children. Over the years, my wife and I have drifted apart and don't spend much time together other than when it comes to taking care of the kids, house, etc. Most people would consider me an introvert. For most of my adult life, I have had no friends, no one to call on a Saturday night to come watch a hockey game, no one to call when I need an extra pair of hands lifting a heavy object, no one to go the movies with. In fact, one thing I consider when I go to the home improvement stores is how I will get a heavy object into my house by myself...mostly I end up rolling the object into the house by bubble wrapping it first. I've been to the movies by myself many times often putting some article in the seat next to denote the seat is being saved. Periodically, I will look around the theatre pretending to look to see if my friend has arrived.

I do go to social events and talk to people but they usually edge their way out of the conversation after a few minutes. And, of course, after a few more similar situations, my self esteem takes a nose dive. I spend most of the evening tucked away in a corner quietly playing games on my cell phone passing the time. I will take extra trips to the bar or washroom even though I don't need to go, just si I look busy.

I see many people clicking after meeting each other a few times and establishing friendships, going to dinner, bars, etc. I often think of what I'm doing wrong, why not me. This is where the doldrums set in.

Funny thing is, it doesn't take much to raise me out of this state. An expected "hi" from an acquaintance is all it takes.
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Old 01-25-2020, 08:02 PM   #12
Emily Fox Seaton
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

What I find bizarre and frustrating is now the internet seems to have dried up these opportunities. I remember in the 90s it seemed like that is all people wanted to do on the net, met people in real life. I had a great group of friends from all over the USA who were fans of the x-files. Everyone on the net admits the problem but there is no place to go get friends and I suppose there are... but they usually are bizarre. Like you join and no one contacts you for 4 years.
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Old 02-01-2020, 02:50 PM   #13
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

I am definitely lonely, extremely. I have an 18 year old (lives with me)and 12 year old (with me during week) and a dog. I have 0 friends. Co workers arent people i would hang out with. I am 45. Just now dealing with the effects of trauma on me and how i hate people, and yet at times desire a close friendship. My T is the only contact i have locally. Brothers, not close with them. Parents, not close with either. Both geographically located in other states too.
I am starting to sleep a lot. I feel i am distancing myself from my T too. I tend to go in cycles.
I am falling asleep writing this
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Old 02-01-2020, 03:41 PM   #14
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

What would i be doing if i had a friend?? I don't know. Can't imagine much else being different. Just doing our own things. Maybe a little conversation. My problem is that i am also on the fence about connecting with someone. I still hold beliefs that its bad and scary.
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Old 02-01-2020, 04:13 PM   #15
Emily Fox Seaton
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

Quote:
Originally Posted by just2b View Post
Co workers arent people i would hang out with. I am 45. Just now dealing with the effects of trauma on me and how i hate people, and yet at times desire a close friendship.
I feel similar. Co workers are a flawed way to make friends. Sharing a shared goal can bring people closer but when people do not do what is necessary it is too easy to feel let down. It is work, not friendship.

I want to have friends but everyone I meet is so ... toxic. Poor manners, selfishness that sucks the life out of you. It has been a long time since I met anyone -- who struck me as good person I waned to get to know more.

If I had a friend I wouldn't necessarily want to do things, but I would like just to be listened to. I am actually really careful about asking other people about their lives and trying to form like a "flow" with the conversation. I ask you about your life, you ask me about mine. Unfortunately... lately I ask someone about their life and 6 hours later when they finally stop and I say, I know what you mean this is happening to me..... they pop up and say, I have to go, tootles.
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Old 02-10-2020, 09:33 PM   #16
Nerevar
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

Quote:
Originally Posted by justexisting
"You may find that you could benefit by trying to reach out to others in your life -- right now. A close friend or family member whom you trust and talk to can go a long way in helping to relieve feelings of loneliness in many people."

I would have thought this website would be more sensitive to the truth of loneliness. Does anyone on earth besides me actually have nobody?
The problem on your usual website, or during an usual conversation, is that this kind of subject is biased and the perspective a bit hypocritical. A kind of normalcy is the expectation. For the usual person, being given that kind of advice can be a bit comforting and in some way confirmatory.
It doesn't work when you look at other sides of the spectrum.

Normalcy is the standard. There are good reasons for it to be so, of course. But it can also create problems. When you're not in the norm (whether it be by nature, or by accident, or because of a condition or an illness), and when you're given advices that cannot be applied to you, there is assuredly a gap that is formed.
With indirect advices it can be even greater than with direct ones (even though the latter can also be hypocritical sometimes).
Generally, people tend to think in accordance with their vision of normalcy. Some people don't really go beyond that. True loneliness or true absence of friend is something they have difficulties to compute.

"Just have friends" or "Just have a buddy" is not an advice I would give. As if it were easy ! Easy for everyone !
Oh, for some people, it's easy to get buddies. You just have to be a bit extrovert, and to go to a place where extroverts socialize. No, actually, even this statement is, of course, a reduction of the complexity of reality.
But if you're an introvert peculiar person, with rare interests, it's different and harder.
If you're depressed, it's different too.

Myself, I've never managed to create a friendship. The few times I've had people I could call friends, they had done the first step, so to say.
I can't really say I've one friend nowadays.

Last edited by Nerevar; 02-10-2020 at 10:13 PM..
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Old 02-14-2020, 02:12 PM   #17
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Default Re: Lonely? Just have friends!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustExisting View Post
Not sure exactly where I should put this but I am attachment challenged and terribly lonely in life so I guess this is as good a place as any.

I just took the loneliness quiz on this site and I can't believe the answer that came up. I rated as a 38 extremely lonely. I have literally no friends and no family of value.

Sometimes I get suicidal and I read articles for help they are almost always without fail tell you to reach out to your loved ones and to your friends for they will surely support you. You only feel like you have nobody they say. But if you reach out you'll see that you actually do. Everyone says this every article every person everyone I'm so tired of hearing it it makes me feel like the most isolated person on Earth.

So I took the loneliness quiz here and here is the advice I receive

"You may find that you could benefit by trying to reach out to others in your life -- right now. A close friend or family member whom you trust and talk to can go a long way in helping to relieve feelings of loneliness in many people."

I would have thought this website would be more sensitive to the truth of loneliness. Does anyone on earth besides me actually have nobody?
I feel you, my type of loneliness come from the feeling I am not understood by anyone and I would never be understood. Obviously, this is a trick that your mind play on you. You are understood in this world, is just the degree is not to your liking.

How about online friends or chat buddies? Do you have some of those?
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