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Old 12-15-2019, 08:37 PM   #1
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Default Attachment to older women (mother figures)

So I have had an attachment to older women (mother figures) since I was 6 years old. I have a mother who was a single mother who had boyfriends come and go, but worked a full time job. We had a lot of help to raise us with babysitters, grandmas and godmothers who took care of us. My mom was very loving and provided for us everyday, but ever since I was little I felt like she wasnít 100 available. She did not give her attention to each of her four kids evenly. I guess this is why I looked for a mother figure in anyone that merely showed me any type of extra attention. Lunch aid when I was 7-8, teachers when I was 9-13 and then it moved on to aunts and friends moms, and now.. it has moved on to a cousin who I am very close to. The mother figures I would always find myself attaching to were all strong, beautiful, fun, semi- matronly, mothers or women who were older than me. But showed me any type of attention. Even got obsessed with two main tv characters because of the women they portrayed on tv. I always thought I was weird, or broken, or didnít love my mom. I was always ashamed. Itís not like my mom had an addiction or was neglectful itís just she was working and busy and wasnít there for us as much as everyone elseís. I thought that I would get older and it would stop but it didnít. My mom hates social
Gatherings, parties, graduations, dance recitals anything that has to do with being in public. She never made friends with my friends parents, was never involved with my school life. I basically moved out not by choice but because my mom bought a house with not enough rooms and now I live with my godmother who is significantly older, sheís been a mother figure my whole life but she didnít quite fill that mother Void I was missing, I donít know why, maybe itís the age. But sometimes Iím able to deal with it, and Iím ok with it and then some days I get so into my own head and become so depressed because I know that these women will never be my mom, no matter how much I want them to be my life will never change. And recently
For the past few years Iíve been very close to my cousin who idolize in every way possible. Our relationship means more than she will possibly understand. But sheís the perfect mother and I wish more than anything that she was mine. And it sucks because we are so close, but itís always never enough for me. Sometimes I get jealous when she hugs or talks
To people who are around my age. Itís just upsetting because I struggle everyday because I think about her every single day. One day she doesnít speak or call me I get anxious and think sheís mad or she was to busy to think of me. I always think of the type of mother I will be and I always go back to her and say that thatís who I will be like. My mom was never available physically, she was never around, and now I see her once a month. I always felt like I wasnít allowed to feel like this because I have a mom, and I still feel like this. Iím grateful to have found this to realize I am not alone in this.
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Old 12-16-2019, 03:10 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Attachment to older women (mother figures)

Hello Dc: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first posted thread. So... welcome to Psych Central. The Relationships & Communication forum, here on PC, may be another one that will be of interest. Here's a link:

Here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subjects of women's self-esteem & empowerment that may be of interest to you:

Women and Self Esteem

The Self-Confidence Formula for Women

Women's Empowerment: Validation Comes from Within

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 12-23-2019, 09:48 PM   #3
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Default Re: Attachment to older women (mother figures)

I struggle with this too. Not entirely sure qhy mine started, but right now i dont feel much. I too have had it for older women. It is certainly a certain type. Right now, i feel no attachment, but i think i am also disconnecting too. And that would be with my T. Long story for another day...
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Old 12-24-2019, 08:16 PM   #4
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Default Re: Attachment to older women (mother figures)

Can totally relate! I mean, my Mom was there and loving and all, but she couldn't provide for me everything i needed. I tend to idolize older women or women who can educate me.

Suppose I should add though that I look for father figures too. My father wasn't a terrible father, but was a bit overprotective and often compared me to my sister (me like being the black swan). I tend to idolize (is it idolize or idealized? Not sure) guys who give me attention and a listening ear. And it doesn't hurt that my husband likes me in every way better than my sister. :P (ok, maybe not EVERY way, but he definitely likes me better and almost never (or never even) said anything about me needing to try to be more like her.)
*Sertraline 150mg
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And a whole slew of vitamin and herbal supplements.
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Old 06-09-2020, 06:00 AM   #5
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My mom was not there and loving and all. I don't really relate but I'm sending warm thoughts and respect.
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Old 09-11-2020, 08:20 PM   #6
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Default Re: Attachment to older women (mother figures)

mom is confusing. I feel badly for my mom, and yet dont think she can get a free pass because she was abused by her father. I find my mom to be very negative and critical of me and how i raise my boys. And just recently she asked me if I like being with her, I replied I do just cant tolerate the negativity and critisim. She could not see it,, and replied its sad i cant not be myself, and that I might be misinteruptating things or I am overly sensative. Okay!! Her mom was the same way cold, negative and critical. Never could you do anything right.
Often think it I was in a situation to safe my mom or my therapist, I would definately save my therapist.
I have no friends, and the thought of getting close to anyone makes my stomach turn. My therapist knows I am deeply attached to her. and yet repulsed at the same time. The only closeness that feels right is my kids. 12 and 19
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