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davidpail
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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #1
Hi, my 22 yr old son has Aspergers syndrome and lives with me. He refuses to help with chores and things around the house and garden. I have a chronic disability and am frequently bed-bound, sometimes for up to 10 days at a time but I do everything. He does 12 hours university a week and the rest is spent playing computer games. I can't fathom how he lives in his room because of how disgusting and filthy it is. I frequently have to tell him just to get a shower and use deodorant.

We argue about his lack of contribution but he never helps and tells me "I don't want to". It's been 6 months and I feel abused. I went to a clinical psychologist for 12 sessions and they left the practice before I received advice. I saw another psychologist for 5 sessions and they also left without giving advice. I have no money left for additional psychologists or counsellors etc to talk about a solution. I am heavily in debt with previous medical bills and I've already sold everything I can sell.

Please understand this has blown into a big problem and I feel debilitated by the extra effort to clean up after him as well as my health. He cries when I've told him he will need to leave but he still lives here. I have other personal issues I should be focusing on. I never thought I'd be in this position.

I talked to my doctor about it and recently been given a clinical depression diagnosis and I'm on some heavy tablets that come with their own problems. I'm at my wits end. I can't cope with him and I'm on a downward spiral. I rarely go out and have zero friends and my family lives overseas in London so I have zero support structure.

Due to a lack of funding for psychologists, I've read many internet sites for suggestions with people in a similar position and none worked so I thought maybe I need to go back to the beginning and start fresh. If you have any thoughts then it will be appreciated. All I ask is you don't under-estimate the severity this has had on me as well as coping with a long-term disability that limits me. I feel I'm a complete failure and nothing seems to reach him.

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Default Aug 04, 2019 at 06:27 AM
  #2
hey david. Sounds like you're in a tough situation.

First, I'm not a clinical pyschologist, I'm not an expert on Aspergers and all it's many faces. But I have lived with it all my life. So I know it well, at least from my own perspective. I know that, even as a young boy and teenager, I couldn't stand anything out of order, anything out of place. One, then two, then three, then four. Everything has to have an order. My room was always neat and clean, unlike my brothers, who were typical messy, unruly teenagers. And I've always, strongly felt, there are rules in how we behave as human beings. Selfishness and dishonesty never made sense to me, even as a boy. I simply don't understand it, I can't comprehend. One, then two, then three, then four. My brothers, again, were as wild and irresponsible as any teenager can be. (Yes, I was my mother's favorite. But not because I craved her praise; to that I was strangely indifferent, even embarrassed.) So I find the description of your son, much more like my brothers than me, a typical young adult who'd rather just crash in his parent's basement, playing video games, than take responsibility for himself, and find his own way in life. I don't want to be unfair, but he sounds very normal to me.

Maybe I could suggest, you print out your post, then simply hand it to him. Maybe that will strike a cord.

I wish you all the best.
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Smile Aug 04, 2019 at 01:03 PM
  #3
Hello davidpail: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Partners of People & Caregivers forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/partn...ivers-support/

You may also want to check out the depression forum:

https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/

I have not been in the situation you are in. So I can't offer anything in the way of advice based on personal experience. Plus I'm not a mental health professional either. That said the difficulty you are having with your son does not strike me as being related to his Asperger's syndrome except in the sense that it has contributed to his isolation. However his refusal to do anything around the home that would be of help, I would think, may perhaps be related to his own depression or possibly just a learned laziness. The only way to know, with any certainty, what's going on with him would I presume be for him to seek mental health treatment for himself. And, based on what you wrote in your post, I would surmise this may be unlikely.

My personal, non-professional opinion is there may be little you can do to have a positive impact on this situation. Your son has become the person he is & little or nothing may change unless or until he decides he wants to make it happen. That said, it seems to me your options may be to simply allow circumstances to continue on as they are or take some action to force your son out of your home & out on his own to face the consequences of the way he is living. Call it "tough love" if you will. But, really, the way things stand now there appears to be no incentive for your son to live any differently than he is living now... no reason to expect there can or will be any significant change.

Here are links to 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting your situation into perspective. The first 2 articles are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Am I Depressed or Just Lazy?

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ur-boundaries/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Aug 04, 2019 at 11:17 PM
  #4
I want to ask a few things. Can he do things with ease? A friend with aspergers was going to cook for me and it took her 20 minutes to peal and chop an onion. If someone has a hard time with doing "simple" stuff, that can be really discouraging. Also, does he have a hard time starting up things? I do, and I have to take Ritalin when I do anything extra. Or I can't physically get going. It is like I know what to do and how it should be done. But I can't start. It's like trying to drive a car without the ignition key. When I do things, I get worn out mentally, like crazy.

That said, when my best friend was ill, I helped her with everything, I ran around like crazy and catered to her needs. I even helped her get dressed. So it was like I overcame my issues for that time before she got medical help. It was a few months.

When I was young, I couldn't be told by my parents. I don't know why. I found it disgusting and dirty to take orders from them. I did want to do my part but on my own terms. I asked if we can't make a formal schedule what should be done and I can do my "shifts". They said no and said just do as you're told. So I only helped when they nagged a lot. I know it was immature and weird. But I felt I needed to protect myself form their "power". I gladly helped my grandmom cuz she was thankful I helped so I didn't find that icky.

If you have good ways of communication, can you ask him what makes him not help? You might be surprised of the answer. If he can find words for it. Sometimes people say they don't feel like it, but they mean something else.

For me it is discouraging how complex I find "easy stuff". I can do what people think is complex and it is easy for me, but taking care of a home is the hardest thing I know. I have a care worker one hour once a week that helps me clean up the chaos. I should add I am high IQ and hav a good education. If they called chores hard instead of easy, maybe then I would feel more pride doing them? But failing at the easy level isn't a lot of fun.

Also it took me a while to understand other people's needs. I somehow thought parents had endless energy. But in reality they had more motivation and they found the chores mentally easy. So I didn't understand they could get tired. Because they were superhuman to me.

If you can talk to him, can you ask him what chores he finds the worst and why? I hate vacuuming because the sound of the vacuum wants me to literally want to shoot myself. It is something so unsettling about that sound. It totally wrecks me.

I had many many years to figure this out. At his age I'm not sure I could understand myself well enough to answer these questions. Still maybe give it a go?

I grew up fast once I got responsibilities. I mean, not just do what I was told, but actually I was put in place at my first place I lived in when I moved out, to organize buying food and organize cleaning. I think I liked the "power" so much that I managed it, and quite with ease too. It was being included but even more.

Sometimes people can differ a lot in what they feel needs to be done. Maybe start there. What he feels are the basics for surviving in your home.

Being a parent is a role that is hard to shift, but kids are so close to their parents it can mentally hurt to cooperate with them. So maybe it would help if you stopped being a mom. I know it sounds weird, but simply not tell him to smell nice or clean his room. A little distance might help. Me, I had so much problems with authorities, so if I could be at my parents' level, I could have functioned better.

Now all aspies are very different from each other. So what I'm saying might not have anything to do with him at all. But... I thought I'd post anyway.

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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 02:41 AM
  #5
Do you have any consequences set up for him either yours or natural ones? Does he have a phone? Would you be willing to take it away or disable it?

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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 11:22 PM
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I had a similar situation with my son. The pediatrician thought he might have aspergers jimi your post was wise and helpful. To the o.p. I don't have advice. I ended up having to let him try finding his way. He's going to struggle but I'll always be there to help when I can.
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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 09:29 PM
  #7
I printed my post and handed it to him, but nothing changed. He threatened to have me arrested when I talked about taking his phone. I know I can't change him which is why my post uses the words 'appeal to him' but nothing has changed in fact, got worse. He's accessed a lawyer against me and constantly threatens to call the police from what he says his solicitor told him, and I am 100% afraid to do anything further now. I'm currently thinking through moving house. I've been diagnosed now with panic attacks and ended up in hospital due to fainting from them. They say I'm exhausted and need urgent medical assistance. As I say, my health is chronic.


None of these suggestions worked although I tried. I suggest my situation and health are both much worse today than when I first posted. He has found the power of the law and free legal advice. I am now saving up for legal advice of my own to see what my options are, but I may use that money to move house instead. I don't know which wall I'll fall just yet.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 04:28 AM
  #8
Is it your house of is he a co-owner?

Are you sure his diagnosis is correct?

Don't you have any services to help you in your home in your country?

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Default Sep 28, 2019 at 11:14 AM
  #9
As an autistic person myself, sometimes communicating why you don't want to/can't is very challenging. It could seem like he's outright refusing but actually be an issue of executive disfunction, sensory issues, etc.

I just noticed you're in Canada. Is it possible to speak to your son's Disability Support/Social Service worker about access to additional funding for in home support? I'm in Ontario, so it might be a bit different where you are, but many families with a dependent child are eligible for funding to cover the costs of in-home supports on everything from cleaning staff to independent facilitators for your son. I hope that's helpful, take care <3
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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 12:39 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by davidpail View Post
I printed my post and handed it to him, but nothing changed. He threatened to have me arrested when I talked about taking his phone. I know I can't change him which is why my post uses the words 'appeal to him' but nothing has changed in fact, got worse. He's accessed a lawyer against me and constantly threatens to call the police from what he says his solicitor told him, and I am 100% afraid to do anything further now. I'm currently thinking through moving house. I've been diagnosed now with panic attacks and ended up in hospital due to fainting from them. They say I'm exhausted and need urgent medical assistance. As I say, my health is chronic.


None of these suggestions worked although I tried. I suggest my situation and health are both much worse today than when I first posted. He has found the power of the law and free legal advice. I am now saving up for legal advice of my own to see what my options are, but I may use that money to move house instead. I don't know which wall I'll fall just yet.
In the US, many times, we can just look up what we need to do legally online.

How would your child come to be part owner of your home?

In the US, if a son or daughter 18 or older is threatening us (putting us in real danger)--we can file a restraining order then in about a week, the person who filed and the person who the order is against would have to show up in court (this is drastic but my POV is if YOU paid for the phone then you have a right to take it from him and if he ever threatens to endanger you physically--then, though hard to do, you might need to consider).

That he calls the cops on you--what does he call them about? Do the cops agree with him? You need to make it clear that if he doesn't respect your authority (calling the police is the opposite of that)--he will have to leave and find services for his condition elsewhere. Having boundaries with our children is very important for both them and us. Having autism means he needs to take steps towards getting assistance with it. We can't help people who won't help themselves--especially when we are struggling ourselves. Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first!!
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