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janfow365123123
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 19
8 yr Member
Unhappy Dec 09, 2019 at 05:00 PM
  #1
Hello Everyone. Thank you for your consideration of this post.

I am a 38 year old Canadian woman. I was diagnosed with a Learning Disability (Memory Deficit), related to a rare brain disorder about 5 years ago. I am an entrepreneur (even prior to diagnosis), and continue to be. I am highly independent, and have never been married (with several long-term relationships that almost led to marriage). I'm able to pay the bills, and deal with whatever life throws at me (which has been alot). I have used CBT to pretty much eradicate years of depression. I also have 2 university degrees, and a college diploma.

I met my partner 15 years ago, when I moved to a large city in Canada. He is now 47 years old. When I met him, he was a PhD student, close to finishing with a PhD in Chemical Engineering. However, our relationship became very strained as all his free time was being spent fostering a chronically ill mother, who wouldn't let me visit her at her house, where they lived. He was a kind, generous, almost docile man. I dated him for 2.5 years, and then we called it quits, due to my frustration about lack of time and commitment in the relationship.

9 years past. I thought of him often. I would email him sporadically, half-hoping that his mother had now past so that we could build a life together.

One day, I got a response from one of his emails. He still felt a connection to me, after all those years. We talked for 6 hours on the phone. I found out that his mother had past away. It was very hard for him. He also told me that he was dealing with extreme chronic health issues. He says he tried solving them, but to be honest, I saw no evidence of such.

Upon meeting for the first time in 9 years, we had a date, and then he revealed to me that his PhD was still unfinished. He had put off writing his "papers" due to his focus on his mother and grief issues. Fair enough. I asked if he wanted to rekindle our relationship, and he kept making excuses. Thinking it was a fear of failure that was causing him to push me away after reconnecting after 9 years, I convinced him to give it another go. He said okay.

The 4 years since have been extremely difficult for me. He seems to have drastically changed in some ways. He no longer takes care of himself (I have to convince him over and over just to get a hair cut). I got to visit his home and upon entering realized he had been happily living in a massive hoarding disaster. (4 bedroom house with junk up to the ceiling, literally). He doesn't seem to have any basic life skills - he can't time manage, is constantly late, cannot hold a decent job, he is tens of thousands in debt, he resorts to debt instead of working or saving, can not feed himself properly, dust, clean, etc etc.. He is on welfare. He is obsessed with starting a piano teaching business, but he refuses to invest in the teaching courses necessary to even do the basics. He is also sexually frigid. There always seems to be an excuse for avoiding sex, or avoiding issues related to performance (he deals with erectile dysfunction).

I also noticed that he moves, physically, very slowly. He has the body language of a senior citizen. He now has quirks I never noticed before - he is obsessed with using paper towels for illogical reasons. He is phobic of not having boxes and boxes of Kleenex in the house at one time. He spends literally hours in the bathroom, defecating (IBS, apparently) and "fixing himself up". There are times I've had to even find a bathroom outside of the apartment because he's in the washroom so long.

I never noticed these types of behaviours our first time around being with him. He has had sexual problems in the past, which didn't obviously get resolved after our first relationship. He's been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder, has scored as "extremely likely" to have Autism on "online" diagnostic testing.

I am a social worker, and even I am at a loss. I feel like I am now sucked into a relationship where I am now realizing that I'm dating an adult child that refuses to grow up. When I'm in stressful situations, he adds to the problem, instead of helping to relieve it. He doesn't seem to comprehend how much pain and stress the relationship has caused me. He often seems very emotionally "flat" at unexpected times, non-affectionate (he never was), but is kind, courteous, and always willing to listen.He says he's attracted to me, but rarely initiates sex. I have told him that I don't care about performance. At one point I had a sexual affair on him, out of frustration. Ultimately, however, his behaviours don't change, and I feel like I'm right back at the drawing board.

I have spent 15 years with a man who appears to obviously have some serious mental health and physical issues, but I have no idea where to go from here. His behaviours seem illogical to me, considering his academic past and high achievement. I love him, but I beginning to resent it deeply. I have sacrificed my opportunity to have children because of choosing to stay with him, hoping things would change.

I highly suspect I haven't left him because I am drawn to co-dependant relationships, as I was emotionally neglected by a narcissistic mother my entire childhood.

I am a mess. I have no idea how to fix all this, or even how to if I should, as I don't even know the variables involved. If I move on from him, I'm not looking back - however, part of me doesn't want to because he know he'll be legitimately homeless within a year, because of his lifestyle habits. How do you leave a situation of 15 years, knowing that?

Anyways... if any of you have some idea of what is really going on here, please let me know. I wake up every day now, miserable. Lately, I've had to deal with a forced relocation (I was almost assaulted at my previous residence), and now have had to uproot my entire life to another city. He presence has been making things that much worst. I've been suicidal more times than I can count.

Please help.

- Janet
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 06:33 PM
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