pressure

The expectation to act "normal" is getting to me. People just do not understand avoidance. Even when they seem to be sympathetic, seem to get it, they just don't.

I was trying to explain it to someone this week, and just at the end she said, "They would love to get their hands on you at the university!" I had no reaction to that. I spent forever (like 10 minutes? lol) explaining how avoidance works, and she just flipped it right back to "normal," trying to compliment me that I should fit in just fine over there. Should. On the top ten list of most evil words in the English language.

There is no escaping it. Even here - the post about the meet up - come on! No avoidant will do that.

I'm definitely edging toward the recluse end of the avoidant scale. The pendulum swings, what can I say.

For a while, I was pushing myself to tolerate that pressure to conform, to not take it personally, to not see it as a judgement. It's stressing me out, and I'm overreacting, and I'm taking it out on people who really do have my best interests at heart. What a wonder - they do exist.

But for all their good intentions, encouragement, etc, the effect is that it's pushing me further into the hole.

Oh well, that's life as an avoidant...

I'm not a fan of the word 'should' either. Nothing more frustrating than a lack of attempted understanding. It makes sense that a large crowd of 'new' faces and interactions would be overwhelming, at minimum .

Not sure what's meant about university. Although reassuring it's not a guarantee.

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University - she thinks I should become a full time professor. I don't think so. First of all, I prefer teaching teenagers, and secondly, the bureaucracy would kill me. But again - classic avoidant - underemployed and not utilizing my education and skills. It's one case where Kantor's theory that the people I avoid and who therefore don't get to experience my affects on them are my victims might be true. I don't care. I'd be damn good at it, but the rest of my life would be about coping with all the interactions I would be forced to have. It would be a suicide mission, and I have a son, so I can't do something that would push me over the edge.

I appear too competent. There are things I can just do. I don't have to think about them, I can just do them. So what. It doesn't mean I can do everything.

It confuses my therapist to no end. She can't understand how I can be so confident in my abilities in some areas, but not be confident in myself. It's easy for me to see the line. If it has nothing to do with me, or my opinion, or something that is unique or special to me, I'm fine with it.

For instance, I can bake a mean batch of cookies. So can everyone else who can read the recipe on the package. But can't sing in front of people because (oh, this is going to sound so vain) I get too much attention for it. Most people can't carry a tune, but it sure doesn't stop them. People who can sing, do sing, loudly and often. Usually. I can sing better than most people. Fact. Born that way. Not anything I did. Still, it's something that can be pinned to me specifically, and not everyone (who can read a recipe, for instance), so I not only won't own it, I won't give people the chance to find out about it.

I dated a professional musician who never heard me sing, not once, because I was terrified he'd like it a lot and pressure me to work with him. No way, never happen. Learned my lesson from my ex-fiance who said he would open a club for me to sing in - no joke. Horrifying. I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back - if he knew me so little that he thought I would ever even consider doing something like that, then he didn't know me at all. That's when I started the detachment that lead to our breakup.

See, the pressure really gets to me. It makes me go hide in my cave and stop living my life.