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Default May 06, 2015 at 06:09 PM
  #1
In my early 30s, been hiding out from the world completely for 5 or 6 years now, and mostly throughout my life. No friendships, relationships or major responsibilities. Operate when the sun goes down. I tried telling myself for the longest time that what kept me from everything and everyone was natural - just the way I was, I had no need for the things other petty humans did, blahblahblah.

Some of it's true. I'm content in my own company for the most part. But am also terrified of being known/seen/judged. I can't even post online without combing over the details 20 times, and often end up deleting whatever it was. I feel like a stumbling simpleton around my peers and those younger than me despite being fairly intelligent. I worked as a manager for awhile in my 20s somehow, but nobody really respected me. To them, I just kind of lucked into the job or whatever, through seniority. Employees kept coming in late or taking days off I'd have to fill in for. I'd even catch them watching TV shows on their damn laptops in a drawer or something, and I said something once and I was suddenly the bad guy. My softly spoken reprimands did nothing and upper management didn't have time for such things. Some of these jerks had kids so I didn't want to write them up. It eventually did drive me to a breakdown and I've been mortified of returning to work ever since.

I tried a couple of times. But I'd get the looks, you know, from coworkers. "30? Not married? No kids?". Yes, yes and yes! Stop looking at me! Why is this any of your business? Why am I the odd one out? Feel the face start to flush and the eyes start to water. The break-room would be full of conversation and laughter and I'd be off in the corner reading a book, sometimes just the same paragraph over and over again for an hour. Eating a ****** walmart sandwich, hoping nobody would address me. Eventually I took it out to the parking garage. That job didn't last long.

Lately I think it'd be nice to find a partner like me. But I find a million excuses for why I'm not worthy of that. Or why one doesn't fit in my life. How nobody could possibly understand. Not good enough. Would be hurt. Or hurt them. I have no possible matches. How I'd just kind of be a welcome-mat again. Or How I'd be a burden on them. It's weird, though. Because there's another part of me that thinks I'm pretty damn cool. Does anybody else have a hard time reconciling these two things?

And then the feeling passes, and being alone seems like the best option again. Even though it's the least practical option.

I sent out some resumes this week. It's getting harder as I get older. Lucky enough to have qualified for disability, but this gap keeps growing (both the employment gap and the gap between me and the rest of civilization). I think some of my family genuinely wonders if I'm still alive. Sometimes I wonder too.

I feel better now. Thanks for reading.

Last edited by Anonymous37791; May 06, 2015 at 09:40 PM..
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Default May 07, 2015 at 10:03 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing. Lending you a supportive ear.
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Default May 07, 2015 at 10:24 PM
  #3
I have a lot in common with you. Early 30's, no relationship, no kids.... I have more energy at night (or maybe I just feel safer cause I'm not seen) I'm also a manager, though I'm not suited to it, and it is very difficult for me.

I want to be in a relationship. Someone I would fit with. But it is really hard for me to meet and get to know people in general.... And I'm inexperienced, if someone was interested its scary to think how they would react to that.

I wish I had something more optimistic to say other than "me too". I guess just keep trying. Sometimes I think of people I know that are in a relationship and I really have a hard time picturing them with anyone other than who they are with.... so I think if they can find someone maybe I can too.... and you.
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Default May 07, 2015 at 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by GreenMoss View Post
*snip*
Thank you for the thoughtful response, glad to know I'm not alone in some of the, especially employment woes (it's a commendable feat you've been able to stick with it), but relationship woes too. I did have one relationship when younger, but have been hiding away from the world for so long now... I don't even feel a desperation for it, I think it's just frustrating to feel like it's impossible. To explain the away the disability time, to actually successfully get close to someone, like you mentioned and have them also be somebody who is okay with such an introverted/reclusive lifestyle, or at least, patient enough to help ya get your legs back under you with regard to simple things people take for granted. I don't know. I'm rambling.

I like what you said about people you know in relationships though. I get a similar feeling, even from certain family members. Just kinda feels like the odds are stacked more against us sometimes, doesn't it? I really get the feeling I will hide away in life until it's too late, though. That fear of being judged is just way too hard to overcome to even begin a friendship, let alone more. I do hope you're right though. And I think you're pretty amazing to push through as long as you have at work. Thanks again for reading and the thoughtful response.

Last edited by Anonymous37791; May 08, 2015 at 12:13 AM..
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Default May 11, 2015 at 07:50 PM
  #5
I'm a 34 year old female, who JUST discovered I'm APD. I just thought I was a very insightful not so terrible narcissistic type who got my ego bruised easily and had social anxiety, however I am definitely APD.
I relate to these issues at work. I was recently considering stepping into a management position at work and this is how I discovered my APD. I had to be VERY honest with myself and ask myself if I can keep up the facade of being "normal" in a management position. My current position affords me the option to hide my APD very well. However, the thought of not keeping up the facade scares the crap out of me. Also, I don't want to deal with employees thinking poorly of me or getting fired because I avoid dealing with problems that managers deal with. I don't want people not respecting me.
I'm disappointed in myself that I lack the personality needed to advance in my career. It's depressing.
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Default May 11, 2015 at 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by catscradle1 View Post
I'm a 34 year old female, who JUST discovered I'm APD. I just thought I was a very insightful not so terrible narcissistic type who got my ego bruised easily and had social anxiety, however I am definitely APD.
I relate to these issues at work. I was recently considering stepping into a management position at work and this is how I discovered my APD. I had to be VERY honest with myself and ask myself if I can keep up the facade of being "normal" in a management position. My current position affords me the option to hide my APD very well. However, the thought of not keeping up the facade scares the crap out of me. Also, I don't want to deal with employees thinking poorly of me or getting fired because I avoid dealing with problems that managers deal with. I don't want people not respecting me.
I'm disappointed in myself that I lack the personality needed to advance in my career. It's depressing.
Thank you for your response, I'm glad you can relate though I wish it were under better circumstances. That facade.. that face, the personable always up one, just ended up being too hard for me for sure. I have to say it was probably a good experience in a lot of ways, but being oblivious to my problems and not seeking treatment drove me into a corner. In that sense I wouldn't completely discourage you from taking the leap, but if you do, make sure you are monitoring and taking care of yourself, and maybe that there's a back up plan. I wish you luck either way. Sometimes I take comfort in just being "built this way". Not everything worked out as planned, but we're probably pretty damn cool in other ways. If you ever wanna vent, I'm all eyes. Take care.
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Default May 13, 2015 at 11:20 AM
  #7
Hello bear paws, I can relate to your post, and I don't think I could cope with your situation, I prob have avpd or cptsd and have an overwhelming need to be invisible, but in my area of work I'm successful, I think I was just lucky that I found a job that I loved when I was young and have slowly and cautiously worked my way up. My personal life on the other hand is a complete disaster, I have no real friends no relationships and the feeling that I can never be invisible enough, I put up a big fence round my garden and thought this would make me feel better, but it's not enough. I've literally locked myself up in a fortress of protection and that protection now imprisons me.
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Default May 13, 2015 at 11:42 AM
  #8
i hope you all do well. i am retired now because of an accident, but only wish i could work again. when i was working i did enjoy it, meeting people and being sociable. now i am the complete opposite because i think i lost my motivation after all these years without a job. hopefully you will be able to meet someone you can connect with maybe through your jobs.
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