I wish I could just say NO.

I always feel as though I owe everyone something and that they are so much better than me. How can I refuse to something that they are asking of someone like me. Sometimes I feel like maybe this would be the time where they'd feel like I matter if even little bit so I cannot dare to refuse. And then some other times I feel like they are wasting enough of their times on me (even a second is too much to be spent on me.) I should pay them back in some form.
The most conflicting situations arise when I know if I accepted their offer of something I'll get way over my head and think that I'm a part of some group or that they like me. I cannot afford to think that or whenever again I'll feel distance I'd be crushed. So I get torned between- How could I say no? How do I say no? If I get a chance I try changing the topic and ask them about them or subtly try to leave that place and if I have no other options I say no. And then punish myself for weeks for saying no. It's so infuriating and frustrating.

I also find it hard to say "no" to others. My therapist taught me about boundaries and I worked on strengthening my boundaries.

Also, my therapist succinctly told me that the word "No" is a complete sentence. I'd never really thought about it, but simply saying "No" in a polite yet assertive way is powerful. No need to explain or feel bad.

Practice it and it gets easier. I like, "No, I'm unable to _____." And leave it like that. It gets easier over time and it feels good to say "Yes" when that's what you want. Saying "No" when you want to decline is empowering and feels authentic.

"No" is difficult to say and harder to hear...and there is different kinds of "NO's" which are all situation pendant

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glamslam, those boundaries wouldn't work on someone with AvPD.

Duly noted. I was trying to be supportive. My bad.

I think I was given the wrong dx..

I'm unsure what boundaries wouldn't work with someone with AvPD?

I've changed considerably with boundary issues.. but not thanks to irl therapy. Unfortunately he (and another irl t) had worse boundary issues than I had.. and didn't even mention the word boundary.

It’s the word “no…

The problem isn’t the (boundaries) sentences or structures that have been given Fuzzy, it’s the actual use of the word “No”
You can’t use the word No, making those boundaries or word structures invalid for someone with AvPD.

No is a harsh, negative word, because you are saying no you’re letting someone down, letting yourself down. You’re showing your inability feeding your low self esteem/self worth while strengthening the AvPD grip around your neck.

“Yes“ doesn’t always mean the opposite of a negative, so don’t go down that train of thought. Things aren’t that clear cut and black and white with AvPD.

No, isn’t a one word complete sentence that’s BS to someone with AvPD.
Saying “No” means you have been put in an awkward position and have now have pre-during and afterthoughts to deal with all the while trying to keep your AvPD at a minimum….now that minimum can spike depending on you current state.

You don’t have to be AvPD to know this but Avie’s are very sensitive people on the inside. A small word like “NO” has a lot of feelings, emotions and history surrounding it. But you have to be AvPD to fully understand the full extent.

64,188 posts is another reason why you should question your dx.

Lol I have to say your last sentence made me smile... and this is not a good day. I consulted that dude for longer than I care to say and.. ? Wtf? Gggrrrrr

I think the truth is at one point I did - maybe - qualify for that dx, but I never wanted it. Sensitive yes - "dislike" the word "no" more than most.

(He completely missed the trauma associated with this long ago when I was a cub..)

But I defied the ****er and his "prognosis"

I respect those with AvPD - I've never known an Avie who is mean deep down.. so maybe I do have it.. I'm atypical for sure though with my posts and some other things

PS thanks for your post - I agree with you about the word "no" - I don't think I've ever used it to anyone on its own.. (unlike some in the family of origin..) Your post also helped me to clarify in my mind something else regarding another therapist I saw irl (she was also without a clue )

This is one of my worst issues. My therapist has been trying to get me to work on that one, but I haven't made any progress.