I'm infatuated by you

I have been isolated for probably around 11 years now.

I have had friends before but only 1, 2 or 3 and only for a short time. They found better friends to be around with. I don't blame them though..

At first I thought it was only just pure shyness and that it will disappear over time. but it did not..

So I thought there must really be something wrong with me.

Being isolated, i have not been able to catch up with people's social norms and learn things only to my own. I dont know people and don't understand how they think.

My social skills have also impaired. Or rather, maybe because my mind is always empty. Absent minded. Numb. I only care about myself.

Right now I am having trouble writing this, expressing myself into words.

I wonder why some of you people here can write long sentences and paragraphs when your also isolated yourself.

Probably because you have someone to talk to at home like your family. Maybe that's why..

We dont talk a lot here at home. My mother is always busy with paperworks. And when we do talk, she talks to us like were still babies. My mother loves us and all and she's not very strict, but she doesn't give us the initiative to do things. and I guess this is the reason why turned out to be so dependent and passive (but unlike before, I'm more independent now but still very passive). My father, I don't know.. I feel like he doesn't like talking to us (w/ my sister). Maybe because he's disappointed of us being ungrateful, or just slacking around the house just waiting for them to spoon feed us..

I have always been hesitant to share myself to others. I feel like they'll disagree with me as how my mother does. My mind is always negative. So negative you don't want to hear anything about it.

Right now I'm trying to change.
I'm making myself more positive by trying to block the negatives away.
Trying to interact with people even though it hurts thinking what's going on in their mind.
Trying to understand people. Trying to care about others than thy self
Trying to make productive things rather than slack around.
Sharing myself to my mother even though she'll disagree. Accepting her decisions that I used to hate before and still hate now.
Trying to improve myself for short..

But doing this, I also feel like I have gained something negative.
For example, I have never cheated in school before. NEVER. I get to feel guilty even with one glance on others paper. Now, almost cheating is fine.
Now, i have felt how unfair life is. Why those who's hurt me are so blessed.
Before, I get very sad and depressed when I'm misjudged. Now, I still feel sad but at the same time irritated. I never even knew what irritation feels like before.
Before, when someone receives a great price, good for them. Now, I think what they have done to deserve it.

Thinking about this, I thought that the older me was much sweeter. I think that, that part of the the older me was good. So im trying to ratain that part of me.

I have also realized that I'm insecure and envy. and must be the reason why I'm sensitive.

Other pretty girls out there are so pleasing and modest, very open and not shy. Has many friends. Many admirers. Many likes. Adults love them. Beautiful outside and inside.. While me.. Beautiful? outside only.. What's the use of the outside when your inside is empty.

When pretty girls are around, I get quiet, awkward and feel like mud.

That was before. There is still the insecurity now but not as envy. I have somehow accepted myself and am happy for them.

From the book of John : "because thou hast seen Me, thou hast believed. Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed"

reading this i have made myself a conclusion that, bless are those that have experienced pain and yet remained kind sweet.

Others do it, why can't I?...or?.... Others do it, I still won't do it.
I won't throw trashes anywhere cause others do it as well.
I won't cheat because others others do it as well.
I won't judge because others has judged me painfully.

But that doesn't mean because you do it, you are bad or evil. You are not and the Lord still loves you, you just won't receive the Lord's blessing. Its still not good you know. So don't feel down and hate yourself for the Lord our God is a God of Love and Mercy.

I believe that the Lord blesses us and answers our prayers in silence. Meaning, if we are blind, we will not see what He has done for us.

~I'm infatuated by you~

Nothing is wrong with you. You are trying to change and figure out the world like the rest of us. That is great!

You might feel you only care about yourself because you are in your own mind more than with interacting with other people's minds. When talking with other people, ask questions and be curious about them. They will talk about themselves. You can learn about how people think from listening to them.

I am like you. I think it's a response of our mind to protect us from the fear and the outside/inside criticism. I too feel numb.
I feel you. Hugs and good luck