How are you experiencing avpd?

Just thought about it the other day, exactly what is the main issue with my avpd. Why cant I "connect" with people, why cant I really take control in a conversation, why do I always feel lonely when I am around other people? For me I feel like I am living this fantasy life inside my head. I daydream a lot, talk to myself, imagining living a totally different life than what I actually have.

I just feel I am not made to be with other people and socialize like 95 %of the population. I just want to be in my bubble and daydream, and for some reason cant seem to get out of it and jump into "real life".

I am very curious to hear your story. What do you think is the main cause with your avpd?

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and abuse

Physical medical issues possibly partly caused by long term anxiety

I also have GAD ... etc...

Lack of adequate treatment or support in this country.

I was dxd with this disorder ... I may have it but I also question the competence of the psych who dxd it.

Maybe connecting with others with AVPD or Possible AVPD traits could help ..

I'm sorry this isn't a particularly useful reply.. others here are more knowledgeable and articulate than I am

I wonder about when you say, "lonely around other people". Do you mean uncomfortable or out of place? I avoid social situations because of the entrapment I feel and general discomfort in having to 'put on a face'.

Wow excatly what you describe I feel the same way.
I thought I was the only one day dreaming most of the time or talk to myself ouy loud.

Yeah I feel lonely around people,especially with my family. Its a werid feeling. I get kinda anxious being aroundy family so I make distance,since if I do sit with them I get picked on. Treated as escape goat.

I can totally identify with this too. I spend a lot of time in my own head too and can't seem to get out. Apparently my auditory memory is weak so I think this might contribute to my frequent 'spacing out' in social situations- like my brain needs to keep stopping to process what's being said. Having said that, I daydream when I'm alone too, so maybe it's just how I am.
I also find it hard to connect with others and always feel uncomfortable, maybe because of my listening difficulties, or maybe I find it hard to trust others. It doesn't take much to knock my self esteem so I guess I feel fearful around people anyway.

I agree so much with this. I feel alone around others too, all the time. I think it may be related to the fact that you can never truly be yourself. If you're not yourself, then the masked version that people do accept of you is not genuine or authentic. What I really want is for people to like my real self, accept me for who I am, but I'm too blocked or paralyzed to ever be me. I'm always faking it, always hiding my emotions. It's draining and lonesome. And by not being able to be yourself and feeling whatever needs and wishes you have are not important, it gets even harder to get accepted. I don't even know how others manage to say no to others, to state their opinions and stuff without being completely misunderstood and trampled. I don't at all understand how people manage to get along. It's like staring from the outside in at aliens, going on automatic, and somehow just knowing how to make social interactions work. Meh. It's like being a broken alien of sorts.

You guys bring up some interesting points. I also find it difficult to keep up the "fake" public persona. It requires a lot of energy to keep up, for very little reward. Just recently I have been thinking similar thoughts about the "inauthentic" self, and how to be myself, etc.

I have been in the process of accepting myself and fighting the "shame" thoughts that make it difficult for me to express my true self to others.

When I'm around people, I feel lonely. But when I'm alone, I feel like I'm in great company. This is because when I'm alone, I can do as I please. I don't have to pay attention to anyone else, except for me.

But when I'm with other people, I get bored easily. Suddenly, my private space gets robbed. Then I'm drowning in a sea full of mindless chatter that never ends. My bored mind takes me somewhere fascinating ... like to a private island. Or to another world filled with rainbows and cupcakes.

Then someone asks me a question. And I'm like, Uggghhh why did you ruin my fantasy?

I don't post here often, because this is my really hard stuff. It can be triggering on an otherwise okay day.

How am I experiencing it? Rather than reiterating what's already been clearly stated, I'll just point to the (publicly available) Wikipedia article -- the introduction and the signs and symptoms sections:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoida...ality_disorder

That describes me almost exactly with just a few exceptions.

* no SH

* no agoraphobia as such (it's the people not the places)

* I can do small talk rather well (you learn a few things after half a century) but I'm dreadfully afraid and hypervigilant about the conversation shifting to hugely problematic topics.

I started to type more details, but it started to make me feel awful -- so scratch that. Maybe some other time.

What is the main cause? Well the very low self-esteem and the social anxiety seem to be at the root of the rest. A bunch of (expensive and unpleasant) psychoanalysis didn't do anything to reveal where those came from in my case. But then personality is something of a mystery, unlike so many other disorders with identifiable causal events.

Oh, and I score pretty high on the neurotic personality traits.

it started when i was three years old, from what i remember. in kindergarten i would have like two close friends and i would be able to talk to them but around everyone else in the classroom i was mute and was anxious in front of the whole class and the teacher. i couldnt read out loud. im 23 and now my life is pretty much the same but i have a job. i have had panic attacks, derealization, and i dont even go grocery shopping on my own, normally.

This describes me to a great deal. I'm at a point in my life where I am embracing the solitude again.

I spent 15 years in self-imposed isolation starting from my very early 20's. I came back to God just over 2 years ago, and started getting involved in church activities and social functions, and started working again.

I remember after a really bad breakup in my early 20's (the only serious relationship I ever had), everything else in my life started falling apart. I was getting severe panic attacks when I went out, and I started staying at home just to get relief from it.

I didn't leave my house at all for more than a year before I finally saw a doctor about it.

But it got to where whenever I went out, I couldn't wait to get home. My house was my sanctuary, and the only place where I could relax and be myself.

As the years went by, I had no friends, and no desire for any. I too fantasized a lot, had a very elaborate and rich fantasy life that I escaped to. I preferred it over real life.

When I started going back out, all those issues I dealt with as a young adult - that didn't bother me at home - began to resurface. The last 2 years in so many ways have been the most challenging in my whole life.

I was always quiet and a loner, and as a kid and young adult I was more sociable and emotional and desired relationships and acceptance from others. But over the years that changed. I struggle a lot with relating to others and connecting to others, but, truth is, I don't like people and I don't find relationships with them fulfilling.

I was always a very sensitive person, but I am pretty indifferent these days and don't really desire relationships with people.

I still experience loneliness occasionally, but I find boredom more intolerable than anything else.

I was diagnosed with Avpd from my last therapist after spending 2 years with her, but I think I'm more on the schizoid spectrum. I don't have affective empathy or feelings for people.

But as to the cause, that's a long story. But it had its start in childhood, abuse and neglect at home, as well as rejection from family and peers.

The hallmark of AvPD is wanting relationships but having such low self-esteem that you don't feel worthy of them. That's what differentiates it from other PD's, not just avoiding people.

I would encourage you to see a psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders, because if you have an incorrect diagnosis then you will not receive the correct treatment. It's possible you could find a balance and you won't have to go through such an extreme period of isolation again in the future.

I already beat that horse to death over the last 4 years I've spent in therapy. It was a valid diagnosis, especially for earlier in my life.

I've made peace with it and don't desire treatment. It's much like how throughout my life people have tried to 'fix' my introversion, it seemed that everyone but me had a problem with it or were bothered by it. The same goes with my dx.

It is true though that doctors are just people and don't always get it right. But after 4 years I've had enough of them. Treatment or diagnosis is no longer a goal of mine.

Okay, y'all see now why I end up deleting all my posts?

I don't understand. No offense was intended or taken, and you didn't do anything wrong as far as I am concerned.

I don't know if I have avp but I tend to isolate myself. I like spending time on my own. I only talk to those who I feel comfortable and I can come out of my shell. I like talking to people and I love it but when there are people talking crap behind my back and mocking my voice, I don't like talking to them. I don't like going out because I guess it won't be enjoyable and I enjoy my alone time. It's difficult to explain. Perhaps it's the fear that socialization will take too long and I'll end up bored. Maybe I just care too much about what they think of me. I can't just get out of this mood straight away. I should tell them, yeah I feel numb, I hear voices and I get angry easily. That's why I'm not happy!! My supervisor has asked me that.

Keep in mind that I don't know if I actually have avoidant personality disorder. My psychologist suspected it, and everything on the wiki page sounds very familiar, but I haven't been diagnosed with it yet.

I've had very low self esteem for years, and no matter what interest or hobby I pick up, it always turns into an obsession at some point. As soon as a little competition comes into play, it's like Pandora's Box is opened: I perpetually think about other people with the same interest and become more and more scared over time that I'm really bad at it, never going to make any progress again and so on. This makes me like the hobby/interest less and less over time and ultimately give it up. That's happened two times already with different interests.
I find myself avoiding people or places that remind me of my obsession, as weird as it sounds. Although I can be really interested in something, after some time I just get afraid of competing and compare myself to others. Then it turns into some kind of love-hate relationship.

My problem is that I turned my passion/obsession into my course of study. That's the reason why I had to interrupt my study for the second time now. I begin by making everything about this obsession, then get terrified more and more, avoid it altogether by procrastinating and not talking to people and then move on to something completely different. Just to avoid my fears, to run away.

Again, not really sure if that's avoidant personality disorder. I was diagnosed with OCD as a child as well, but that went slightly different.

(Because diagnosis keeps popping up. And AvPD seems a rather niche category.)

Personally, I don't worry too much about official diagnoses. (Although an incorrect one can be harmful.) I'd rather that any therapist or personal effort work on my individual issues as they exist in my unique combination. A diagnosis is a useful shorthand and can advise treatment plans initially, but eventually people have to dig a little deeper than that anyways.

But then, I've been at this a long time. I certainly understand that people initially want to have some better overall idea of what is happening and how to deal with it.

As has been stated before, to really obtain a diagnosis, you have to see (preferably more than one) professional in person. And then consider everything you've learned, and keep researching. With thoughtfulness and insight, you will eventually know yourself better than anyone else.

Heck, a number of professionals don't seem to have any time for, or belief in, AvPD as a category and slap a Social Anxiety Disorder on it instead. In fairness, the diagnostic categories have changed over the years.

As time goes on, I've started to feel much more strongly about doing my own research. I think it's very important -- so long as you don't latch on to a certain idea prematurely and remain receptive to other possibilities and developments.

If it helps to talk to like minded people here, then great. This sub-forum can still be useful for people who are avoidant, even if they aren't technically AvPD.

Just my two cents, of course.



And, er ... what was the question again?

Oh yes, experiencing AvPD sucks.

i have been like this all of my life and i never even realized that this was a disorder. I am now 42 years old and have been like this all of my life. I have been trying to reach out to this group and get this understanding of what i can do to help myself. I am seeing my therapist on the 18th and for all of my life i have avoided any type of family get togethers, holiday affairs and what not. Basically anything that has to do with socializing with any people whats so ever... this is my life and its very lonely but i see no other way to break out of this cycle that i have been in all of my life. I dont know what else to do but to reach out here to this group for suport and try and get some people to respond to me as to how they are dealing with APD and what are some steps i can take to help me to overcome it? i know this has been a life long thing so its not gonna happen overnight but i dont want to continue to grow old and be so left out of society. Its scary but i need to make some changes in my life and this is my #1 struggle is this APD.. please help me

I identify with so many of the things said here...the intrusive fantasy life...that actually becomes destructive to my real life...the desire to have relationships but the feeling I'm not worthy of them...avoiding work responsibilities for fear of failure and rejection...and so much more...

Over the years I have developed some coping strategies for dealing with the anxiety and fear of rejection, but they don't always work. As another poster said, I can manage small talk, and I can manage social interaction, but, for example, if I have a work event at the end of the day, I spend the ENTIRE day building up for it. Preparing myself mentally for it, building a plan for how I will enter the event, who I will talk to, what exactly I will do, and then I take personal breaks throughout the event to give myself time to do some positive self talk as the problems of criticism, fear, rejection, etc., start to build up.

It's a struggle because I actually like being around people. But I also avoid it like the plague because of the fears I have that I can't control.

I was extremely shy as a child. So much so that my school report cards, while noting my intelligence, gave warnings to my parents about behavioral issues because of my "shyness." The childhood emotional neglect and abuse (and physical neglect and abuse) left me forever seeking approval but also forever not believing I'm worthy of it. I told someone in a group the other day that it's amazing how much I seek the approval and praise of authority figures, yet when I get it, I am so completely uncomfortable with accepting it, because I don't believe I deserve it.

Although I hate that any of us deal with these issues, it is somewhat relieving that I'm not the only person who suffers with these problems. I thought I was the only one. But it's comforting to know that someone out there knows what I've been hiding and dealing with for so long.

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