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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 114
6 55 hugs
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Nov 14, 2017 at 07:56 AM
#1
I've been muting a classmate on WhatsApp for the last two weeks. She's the only one that's kind of close to me and cares for me back at the place where I'm studying.
And yet, when I interrupted my studies three days ago and left to live back at my parents' for a bit, I didn't message her. I've been in this exact same position a year ago. I'm so afraid that people see me as the failure that I am, that they realise that I'm fundamentally broken. She won't understand. She'll only see that I didn't make it once again, that I only manage to study for five months over the course of a year and failed half the courses during that time, despite my talents. I can't deal with this, I'd rather just break contact and never return again. There's nothing left there holding me anyway. |
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Stardust
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: rural Canada
Posts: 2,075
6 2,472 hugs
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Nov 15, 2017 at 09:05 PM
#2
For what it's worth, I had a similar experience. I had undiagnosed AvPD, depression, and an assortment of other minor issues when trying to get through university. It wasn't one of the easier programs, and with my issues and personal problems I flunked out -- more than once. I showed an incredible tenacity all things considered and got re-accepted and actually finished the degree after many years.
Talking to people as the perma-flunk guy was horrid. But in all fairness, not one person was ever unkind or said anything untoward. I was not excluded, other than what I did to myself. If anyone did think less of me, they kept their mouths firmly shut. Several were encouraging. I even had a couple of (not very close) friends in those days. I know this probably won't change how you feel. It still rarely seems to help me significantly. I just thought it might help to hear a positive, real-world story. And, if I understand correctly, she's the one trying to contact you. Doesn't that really say something? |
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 Grath
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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 114
6 55 hugs
given |
Nov 16, 2017 at 03:58 PM
#3
Quote:
I realise that I could probably make it after multiple attempts as well, I'm pretty tenacious too. But I don't think I have the strength for that anymore. I haven't got any social contact there at all besides her and every day there is just filled with anxiety and fear, no joy at all. I really like my study, but I'm not ready to just repeatedly fail again and again only to maybe after years arrive at a point where all of my peers already arrived long ago. I really, really want for things to change. It just seems impossible after so much time. |
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 CepheidVariable, Teddy Bear
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Stardust
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: rural Canada
Posts: 2,075
6 2,472 hugs
given |
Nov 17, 2017 at 01:18 PM
#4
I'm sorry for all that. I know what it's like.
Were you asking for any advice? (what little I can offer) Or did you just need to air it out? |
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Grath
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Member
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 114
6 55 hugs
given |
Nov 18, 2017 at 06:56 AM
#5
Quote:
Thank you for being there and listening. |
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