[Innerzone]

Ok. I've been doing quite well recently, pretty balanced. Have been more depressed recently (like about a week) and yet... I've joined here and posted quite a bit (guess there's quite a bit of pent up yapping -- I've really not had an outlet for these issues-- also I can't help but respond to people going through similar things because I don't want them to feel alone -- that sucks, and I'm all too familiar with it.)

But there's this thing. I've been emailing with someone. A guy. A lot. (Yes, I'm married, but it's been shite for a very long time--like a decade-- and we both know it.) It all started very innocently, and still is, though there's been a touch of flirtation lately. To be honest, it's fun. I really like it. I've come to realize that I really enjoy these exchanges. Mostly they are common interests, funny stuff, nothing hugely personal. (I'm near paranoid about personal info, so that's a good thing here.) But I'm feeling very confused. Reality check: I really don't know this guy! But, like for instance today, we've emailed back and forth like a dozen times! WTH? I guess it's just been so long since I've felt interesting to someone. I'm trying to keep that vulnerability in check. I would never act on it. So I say. Yet I've pulled out the map to see where his town is. I have zero interest in being in such a place. (I already want desperately to escape where I am, and it is a lot bigger.) But the exchanges are so fun! I have so little contact here IRL and it's just such a nice change of pace to talk with someone with some common interests, you know? Yet I fear that I may say too much, simply out of desperation to talk with someone. Anyone else have a similar circumstance?

More to the bipolar point, this seems very much like something I'd do when hypomanic. Yet I've been more on the depressed side. Am I mixed? Gah, I hate when I can't even determine where I am.

[phoenix47baby]

You say you have been married ten years or online with your friend ten years? I would say that there is something missing in your relationship with your husband. I started innocently talking on the internet once with a close friend and we became closer friends--still not breaking the marriage bond but the flirtations did increase quite a bit. is that cheating? Some say yes. I said no. This flirtation did increase during hypomanic periods and yes it was confusing! good luck to you.

[Innerzone]

Been married 20 years. Lived together 5 years before that. Things have been crap for about the last 10. A LOT is missing from our relationship. Like about everything. We basically have nothing in common and live seperate lives. The email thing is quite recent.
Confusing indeed. Not because I think anything particularly romantic about it, but because it's just so nice and because I'm spending so much time on it and liking it.
Thanks for writing, Phoenix47, it's just been hugely on my mind and it's been so long since I've dealt with anything remotely like this that I'm just not sure what to make of it all.

[lonegael]

Hi Inner zone! this might be true that your marriage with your husband might be lacking somethIng (that does sound like you guys are barely hanging on), But I also know that when I am hypomanic or mixed, there is no way my man can handle what I want. My appetite for all types of interaction, not just sex, goes off the charts! After a bit he just sort of staggers off, curls into a ball and starts self hypnosis (not actually, but you get hte picture) Just make real sure that you don't chuck your guy for a manic lapse of sense, OK? If you are sure you're level, then that's another matter, your judgement is your own. Good luck!

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Hi Inner zone! this might be true that your marriage with your husband might be lacking somethIng (that does sound like you guys are barely hanging on), But I also know that when I am hypomanic or mixed, there is no way my man can handle what I want. My appetite for all types of interaction, not just sex, goes off the charts! After a bit he just sort of staggers off, curls into a ball and starts self hypnosis (not actually, but you get hte picture) Just make real sure that you don't chuck your guy for a manic lapse of sense, OK? If you are sure you're level, then that's another matter, your judgement is your own. Good luck!

Yes. This is exactly what I am struggling with right now. Trying to get a handle on this hypomanic lapse of sense. It *should* be obvious that it is. But ... it's talking so much to me and trying to drown out sense. And I keep thinking, "yeah, maybe it's not realistic, but maybe, just maybe..." and it's off to the races. The Voice of Reason keeps saying, "But you really don't know anything about this person! They could be a charming psychopath for all you know!" Yet I keep emailing. Worse, I woke up this morning, actually finding myself thinking about detouring on a trip I'm taking to his state (coincidentally), even though it's quite a big detour of hundreds of miles!-- just to, well... kind of spy(!!!) (Not like upclose, by their house or anything, just, well crap, I don't even know!) And I'm worried that *he* might be crazy???!!! Where is my mirror? Seriously, it's not like I'm going to just happen to run into people that know him to ask what they think! SO VERY unrealistic, yet it runs around and around in my mind. I *do* tend to have my most unbalanced thoughts when I first wake up.

Guess it's safe to say that I'm definitely obsessing, and probably hypomanic. It's kind of confusing because other usual signs are barely on my radar...but if I think really hard, I guess there are a few. Lack of insight?

Haha on the self-hypnosis, lonegael! I hear you, except that I don't even want sex with him anymore and the last few times were notably uneventful, even using my considerable powers of fantasizing. But in general, I usually just hang out in my room, but if hypomanic, look out! I'll come out and a mile a minute and by the metric ton. Usually the husband will talk right across me, but he can barely get a word in. Or cleaning in a whirlwind? He's learned that he better start in too, or my mouth is sure to follow. Maybe your husband can teach mine these self-hypnosis techniques! He needs them, because I can be exhausting. And I know it, but can't seem to stop. I'm not getting much done and not having these usual signs, which is contributing to the confusion.

Yeah, guess I'm not as level as I thought. I won't chuck 25 years, though I'm not entirely sure I won't do something stupid. (Like right now I am thinking, "but what if I emailed and said hey, I'm going to be in this city on these dates, do you want to drive 200 miles and meet for coffee?" (!!!)

Sorry to go on and on... but I don't have anyone IRL to bounce this off of, and it's driving me right up a wall.

[Lauru]

I was married for five years, only to find out my partner cheated on me. Yes the relationship had been crappy the last year. But I kept my vows and she didn't. All I asked was that if and when one of us felt the relationship was over, and/or that we were interested in someone else, then that person needs to tell the other first! It hurts so bad, and so deeply erodes my trust and faith in people, that I pray that you either work on your marriage or let it go. Please, this is how it starts, with "innocent" flirting. Just be honest for both your sakes.

[tunesinger]

INNNERZONE,
Believe it or not, this is more common than you think, especially with Bipolar people. The problem with the internet thing is that is it all fantasy. Something your husband is compared with, for instance his inability to talk to you, but this guy can, but yet because it is fantasy, he can never live up to it. Let me see if I can explain it, as it has happened in my life, only I was on the other side.

In the internet relationship, even if it moved on to phone calls and meeting for coffee and nothing more...the fantasy of what this man MAY become is prince charming. In other words, its what he WON'T become. He won't choose to watch a football game when you need to talk, he won't get drunk and embarrass you in front of family, you won't have to wake up to his nasty smells and bad breath and all the annoying habits. He won't go off on you over some pet peeve of his that has no basis in reality, and , here's the big one, He'll never be a bad lover because you won't sleep with him. A real person can't compete with the fantasy.

Proceed with caution and share with your therapist. We are most vulnerable when we are in the beginning of bipolar cycle. Please take care of yourself, and give yourself value. I hope this helps and doesn't sound preachy, it was not my intent.
Tunesinger

[Anneinside]

If you don't have other signs of hypomania then perhaps your involvement with your email friend is a normal type of behavior of someone reaching out for "something" from another person. Be careful.

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I was married for five years, only to find out my partner cheated on me. Yes the relationship had been crappy the last year. But I kept my vows and she didn't. All I asked was that if and when one of us felt the relationship was over, and/or that we were interested in someone else, then that person needs to tell the other first! It hurts so bad, and so deeply erodes my trust and faith in people, that I pray that you either work on your marriage or let it go. Please, this is how it starts, with "innocent" flirting. Just be honest for both your sakes.

Thanks Lauru. Yes, we both know that it isn't working and have discussed seperating. We're holding off on account of kiddo who, after strugging at school for years, is finally doing pretty well and he only has about a year left. Don't want to rock the boat on that. It may be reassuring to know that in 25 years I've never cheated at all. Despite the fact that he has - once for sure-- , along with a couple other suspicions. Oh that, and constantly telling me how he gets hit on. I think that's a pretty good track record and restraint on my part. (and with having bipolar -- go me! I didn't even know what was the deal with me till about a year ago, so had no clue even what to watch out for!) I have been told many times that I can send out strong some pretty strong "stay away" vibes. That's probably helped...) Between the shy and the stay away vibes, social contact tends to not present much opportunity anyway.
I am sorry you got hurt, Lauru This is good advice.

Originally Posted by tunesinger

INNNERZONE,
Believe it or not, this is more common than you think, especially with Bipolar people. The problem with the internet thing is that is it all fantasy. Something your husband is compared with, for instance his inability to talk to you, but this guy can, but yet because it is fantasy, he can never live up to it. Let me see if I can explain it, as it has happened in my life, only I was on the other side.

In the internet relationship, even if it moved on to phone calls and meeting for coffee and nothing more...the fantasy of what this man MAY become is prince charming. In other words, its what he WON'T become. He won't choose to watch a football game when you need to talk, he won't get drunk and embarrass you in front of family, you won't have to wake up to his nasty smells and bad breath and all the annoying habits. He won't go off on you over some pet peeve of his that has no basis in reality, and , here's the big one, He'll never be a bad lover because you won't sleep with him. A real person can't compete with the fantasy.

Proceed with caution and share with your therapist. We are most vulnerable when we are in the beginning of bipolar cycle. Please take care of yourself, and give yourself value. I hope this helps and doesn't sound preachy, it was not my intent.
Tunesinger

Not preachy at all. And so true. Reality can *not* compete with fantasy. I know this well from spending so much time in fantasyland. Fortunately, the objects thereof were totally unobtainable and or literally (yes, literally) impossible. I have actually actively worked on reminders of incompatibility (yes, I have some and parade them across my brain), to rein in any tendencies that way. And surely it must be some help that I'm not really viewing it that way. And geographical distance is substantial. That helps too.
Unfortunately, I don't have a therapist, but am seeking a rec from the P-doc for one. So hopefully soon.

Originally Posted by Anneinside

If you don't have other signs of hypomania then perhaps your involvement with your email friend is a normal type of behavior of someone reaching out for "something" from another person. Be careful.

Could well be. Upon closer inspection, there are other clues pointing to hypomania. It just kind of threw me because some of the "usual" ones were missing. It'd be both then, and all the more reason to be careful. I *know* my vulnerability is very high, with so many years being sooooo very estranged, so I'm trying to remember that and keep a handle on it. In fact, of all the factors, I'd say that's that one is by far the most dangerous to me, with this situation or without, so I guess it's good to be aware of it.

Thanks so much. You all make very good points and I will be keeping them all in mind.

[kacey321]

Not sure if this is the right place to post...I've been married to a bipolar legally for 6 years now seperated almost 4 yes together 3 before married so 5 and a half together almost 4 now apart (total 9) neither of us has filed for divorce he has now had a girlfriend a year living with him about 4 months now .Claims we will never be together again but when I don't call him for a couple months I get a call about something and he sounds (can tell by his tone in his voice like he's happy to hear my voice).
He put me through alot of ups and downs and my self esteem presently beyond feeling repairable and I still love him deeply we had a long talk a couple months back when i told him this he said he knows why because he loved me that much too but shut the switch off whatever that means . He left me for no good reason other than a disagreement with my adult son.We never fought over money,sex,etc.we were very compatible and supposedly after a couple years or so he fell out of love with me and after 3 years our physical relationship he stopped and he decided to meet someone else on the "internet"and go full force into a relationship.
Sorry for the long post I am asking anyone here with BP do you think he is or could come back to me ?still loves me?or fall back in love me?I always stood by him even through all this,never got angry with him,I would ask him to try and put himself in my shoes(my son was diagnosed with cancer when he left,not the one he had an argument with)I have tried to go on but can't something feels like he still loves me or maybe I am the one who is going off the deep end ...my psychologist can't even figure him out ..