[Edgar's Mom]

I’ve been so depressed for so long. Most of the past few years. All but a couple of weeks here and there where I felt so good it hurt. But well over 2 years of darkness, and I blame Lithium. It sucked the life out of me and put a blanket on my brain. It anesthetized me and took away my hypomania, leaving me mired in the longest depression of my life.

Now I’m off of it and the Lamotrigine I’d been on since 2006. I’ve lost 20 lbs and am still losing, but my pdoc isn’t happy about it. I am, since I was 180 lbs, but I agree it doesn’t seem healthy and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. I had lost my appetite but I have it back now and am eating and sometimes enjoying some food, but I’m still losing weight. I wish I knew why.

So I had my ECT treatments. And I’ve become pretty unstable. I’m more depressed than ever where it hurts so badly every day I can barely stand it. I’m getting angry more often and I’m busy more often than I want to be. It is so hard to go do anything but I’m dragging myself around. It might be unbearable to stay home though, so maybe that’s why I’m driven to keep moving. Usually when I’m depressed I’m in bed a lot.

This time I’m working, riding and talking to people when I don’t want to. Tonight I went out walking for a couple of hours and tired one dog out and had to nearly drag him home. But my body is tired and gets sore and feels weak even when I’m pushing myself. My job at the barn is very physical and I’m tired after that too.

My husband is worried about me. He says I talk about suicide a lot. I know I have a couple of times and think about it a lot but wasn’t aware that I was talking about it that much. I don’t want to die. In fact, I’m terrified of it and I’ve promised I won’t do anything like that, but I can’t help but think of it when the pain gets unbearable and feels like it’s never going to end.

Today I blew up and was throwing things and yelling, traumatizing my dogs who all ran to hide. Except the deaf one, but he watched me nervously.

My pdoc had told before he went on holidays that he wanted me to go IP for a couple of weeks. I don’t want to go. I’m sick about it. I’m also not sure what they can do for me other than to drug me up. I’m not sure what the point is of me being in there for 2 weeks. I don’t want to seem uncompliant. My hubby has mixed feelings about me going. We have three dogs at home and he works long shifts.

I’m not sure where I’m going with any of this. I’m confused about my mood. It’s a weird depression. Much worse than it’s been and it feels different like it’s sharper somehow and has a dangerous edge. I’m brittle. It’s the most physical depression I’ve had and I think this is partly why the weight loss. The scale is lower almost day by day.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. Could the energy mean I'm headed out of the depression? Oh God, I hope so.

[raspberrytorte]

(((edgar'smom)))

You sound almost the way when I get depressed. I'm always so pissed about it!

[wildflowerchild25]

I imagine your worsened state is due to being off any mood stabilizers. I know the ect didn't work for you. Maybe going IP is a good idea. They can monitor you while you get your next round of ECT. I would do one more round and if nothing changes then stop. It might get better after more treatments, as I said before it took 13 for me to feel even the slightest bit better.

I understand the physicality of it. I've been feeling crushed under depression for a few days. Whenever I get depressed it's like a weight on my chest. I feel like I'm too exhausted to even breathe. I really hope things get better for you soon.

[Luctor]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. And it's very unfortunate the ECT didn't bring the desired results.

It sounds to me like you may be experiencing a mixed episode?

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I imagine your worsened state is due to being off any mood stabilizers. I know the ect didn't work for you. Maybe going IP is a good idea. They can monitor you while you get your next round of ECT. I would do one more round and if nothing changes then stop. It might get better after more treatments, as I said before it took 13 for me to feel even the slightest bit better.

I understand the physicality of it. I've been feeling crushed under depression for a few days. Whenever I get depressed it's like a weight on my chest. I feel like I'm too exhausted to even breathe. I really hope things get better for you soon.

Well, maybe if they can time it so I'd have my treatments during my stay they could monitor them... I'm definitely going to do the next 6 treatments... I'd do many more than that if I thought it would eventually work. I probably will go IP but it makes me feel sick with dread :-(

[Edgar's Mom]

Originally Posted by Luctor

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. And it's very unfortunate the ECT didn't bring the desired results.

It sounds to me like you may be experiencing a mixed episode?

I don't know enough about mixed episodes to say Luctor... I've only just read about them since coming on these forums and I'm not sure if that's what's going on. I don't think I'm quite energetic enough to be mixed...

This disorder is so complicated. What's the difference between a mixed episode and agitated depression? I was wondering if I had that, and was hoping that the energy shift meant I was on my way up. Gotta get rid of this depression though...

Lisa

[Ripose]

Recently I went through s very deep & dark depression. It was soul crushing and I had nobody to talk to about it, including my wife. So I filled my time by reading many posts in the bipolar forum, although I never posted anything that reading the posts and solutions of others to be just enough to keep me going.

I hope you find solace somehow, even a little bit helps.

So ((((((Edgar's Mom))))))

[Edgar's Mom]

The past few days have been VERY unstable and I considered going to the hospital last night. I might be having a mixed episode as I'm all over the place. I'm depressed inside but nobody can tell, and if I tell them, they are astonished because I seem so cheerful and outgoing. I'm talking a lot and busy at times, almost like pushing pause on the depression or just trying to function above it.

People are noticing I'm not stable and my poor husband looks like he's gone through the ringer. He looks ill he's so worried, and I feel so badly for him. I'm doing my best most of the time, but I've been a ***** a lot of the time too, and he is just bewildered and scared.

My SI took shape last night into "how would this work?" scenarios, considering what is the best way. When my husband asked me I told him I couldn't promise him that I wouldn't. I don't have a plan, just needed to leave that option open. I was doing research online surreptitiously. I don't sneak or lie with him ever, so that's not good. I don't feel that way today but I was really weighing it out seriously last night.

I'm afraid to go to the doctor tomorrow. I know he's going to want me to go IP and I don't want to go. I'm afraid of what treatments he will want and more afraid that there won't be any.

I feel like a burden on my husband and that he'd be better off without me. He was begging me to keep trying, and told me that's all he asks, is that I keep trying. It was heart breaking. I feel soooooo badly to put him through this. It's like when someone has cancer and everyone is waiting around for them to die, unable to go on with their own lives. I told him that and he doesn't see it that way. I don't quite see it that way today either, but last night it was absolutely how I saw it. I do feel very guilty and like I'm ruining his life though and he is such a good man.

I almost quit my job today and showed up on the verge of tears telling her I didn't think I could do it. It's such a small little job, it would be devastating for me to lose it. If I can't even do that..... It's only 3 2-2 1/2 hr shifts per week. By the time I left I was babbling and keeping the job and she was helping me. She knows I'm BP and I've had ECT and that I'm unstable and I'm very lucky she is supportive.

I've been very irritable and broke a few things. I keep wanting to throw my phone and we can't afford to replace it. I'm irritable, then talking a lot and laughing but still depressed, then devastated and can barely breath. So I think I might be mixed as Luctor suggested.

But I'm type 2 not 1. I don't get full blown paranoia or psychosis. The only episode I've ever wondered about for mania was one where I flew across the country to meet with a man I'd been having a long distance correspondence with (I'd met him for a few days on a trip), and married him on a whim, then flew home and packed up my two kids and moved four time zones away. Then crashed and ended up in hospital a bunch with 4 suicide attempts in a 6 week period. That's the last time I was IP.

Anyway this is all over the place but I had to spew. Thanks for reading.

Hey there, what your describing sounds like my agitated depression (or mixed as most like to call it) which does lead to inpatient. Could the ect have triggered this state? I know its been known to trigger hypomania in some patients, so hold on to hope it will pass. I do need a med change and usually inpatient when this hits me its a tough way to be

I think it's time to go inpatient. I think you know that, too. It will give the docs the time and 24/7 needed to make faster med adjustments and get you stabilized more quickly, it will put you in a safe environment where you and your husband won't have to worry about your safety, it will give you some well-needed rest from having to make decisions, worry about everyday responsibilities, etc. Do it for yourself; do it for your husband. It's time.

[wildflowerchild25]

It does sound like a mixed episode, and I always get hospitalized when I'm in them too. Some doctors think if you are mixed you are bp1 but others say it can happen with bp2. So your diagnosis doesn't necessarily matter.

I know you don't want to go. I know it will be hard. But if the alternative is dying, you really have no choice. You are NOT a burden to your husband and he would be absolutely devastated if you died. I can tell you that because I am currently devastated due to my husband's death. I'm sure he thought me and my son would both be better off with ok him but we are not. It is pure hell to have to go through this. So get that thought out of your head. And don't think he will get over it. I'll never be over it. I'll move on and get some joy back in my life but I'll never be over it.

If you really don't think you can keep yourself safe and you tell your pdoc that, you most likely won't have a choice of IP. you're going, either voluntarily or involuntarily. That's what has happened to me a few times. So you might as well go voluntarily. It's a lot easier that way.

Good luck I hope you find some peace soon.

[Edgar's Mom]

I saw my pdoc today and agreed to go IP. He wants me under observation for a period of time and he will be able to see me almost every day while I'm IP instead of once a week like I am now.

I'm not feeling suicidal today, and while still depressed it's not as desperate as it's been and is a more manageable soul-crushing thrum.

I told my pdoc I felt like a burden and he took a long time to explain why I'm not. He told me my thinking is faulty and needs to change. He is so sweet... such a kind man. I was almost crying and could barely look at both of them (he and my husband) as they went on at length about why I needed to live, how my husband needs me, how he's not better off without me etc. He even said my husband is proud to look after me.

He told me that our psych unit is a really good one and one of the best in the area, and he thinks it will be very good for me.

So I booked my Mom's flight out (she's coming to look after my three dogs and the house), and have someone to go see my horse and ride him every day (he needs to be ridden or walked every day because he gets swollen ankles). I have to tell my boss to cover my shifts for the time I'm in there and he wants me in there for 10 days or two weeks.

He thinks I'm too busy and active for my level of depression, and says I need to rest. It's been hard because I have to go see my horse every day and that takes me outside and has me active. I thought that was good, but I see his point. But if I don't stay busy, I am afraid to get like I was before where I was near catatonic. I sat still and stared for months on end barely speaking to anyone. It was like being locked inside my own body.

Anyway, I feel raw and vulnerable and scared, but somewhat relieved to have at least made the decision. I hope it's helpful.

In the meantime he has increased my Wellbutrin. He wanted to increase my Seroquel at the same time but I want to do one thing at a time and keep my meds to the barest minimum. I'm extremely sensitive to drugs. If I get insomnia from the extra Wellbutrin I will increase my Seroquel by 50mg.

Now I had to wait till my Mom gets here and told him that it wouldn't be till Nov 10th but I managed to get her a flight on the 5th, so I'll call his office tomorrow and let them know I can go earlier if they want.

And they will continue ECT in there. He's signing me up for another 6-7 treatments.

Last time I was IP was probably 23 years ago.

How long have you been on welburtin? I only ask as it sent me into a very agitated state, i didnt last 2 weeks on it and I tolerate meds well. But everyone is different and its a wonder drug to many.

It really sounds IP is best for the moment. Responsibilities are bloody hard to organsisr so well done for that! Im sure the unit will be pleasent if your pdoc thinks so. I hope it goes well for you.

[Edgar's Mom]

Instead of starting a new thread I thought I'd just add to this one... I'll probably be repeating things I've already said in previous posts as I din't re-read the thread before I posted.

Things have been moving along and I am still here. It has been a very rough few weeks. I'm not sure about this depression... It is very strange. I've been in a weird place lately that someone suggested might be mixed, but I'm BP2 (so technically not supposed to get it, but my pdoc said BP2's can have mixed episodes, so I think that criteria is changing).

I'm in a depression that seems to have gone on for over two years now, with only a few hypo weeks (and the odd random day) here and there. The depression has fluctuated from apathetic don't care about anything or take pleasure in anything on the mild end, to desperate raw unbearable suicidal pain.

The past couple of weeks I've been VERY low and feeling desperate. It’s been so bad that yesterday when I saw my pdoc my mood was -7.5 of 10 and he was commenting on how much better I looked. He told me he was really worried about me last week. I was too.

I was very seriously considering suicide. I was justifying why my husband would be better of without me, and I made an actual concrete plan which, ironically gave me a sense of relief and removed some of the desperation. Knowing I have that to go to makes me feel less trapped, and I was able to put it on the back burner and it actually gave me the strength to get through the next few days without having to resort to that horrible act.

To be clear. Right now I am not feeling suicidal at all. That feeling has passed for the moment. But last week I was really wrestling with it, feeling like I didn’t have the strength to go on, and that there was no end in sight. It had become utterly unbearable and every breath seemed like an eternity of pain.

So I’ve had these weeks of depression that is that deep, feeling suicidal and trapped, and I’ve had a lot of energy and have been acting like I’m “driven”. My pdoc wants me to slow down and do less. I’ve never had a depression like this one. I almost always hermit until I come out of it, but this one I’ve been working, riding etc and I’ve been very unstable in my interactions with people. Almost lost my job blurting something out with no filters to my boss.

I often overeat and gain weight when depressed but this time I’ve almost stopped eating and have to force myself and remember to eat, often having to chug glasses of almond milk to get a few more calories in for the day. I’ve lost 25 lbs.

I’ve had panicky outbursts where I’ve thrown things, I’ve been irritable with my husband, I’ve had outbursts. I’ve also had a few hours here and there where I feel artificially happy... like I’m animated and acting happy and giggling hypo, but underneath is depressed.

Last Thursday I cried for hours in the tub. It was raw animal noises and I would have been mortified if anyone else had heard them. I cried so hard I started to black out in the tub and had to slide out onto the floor, then cried there for another couple of hours. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stop.

The next day I cleaned for 14 hours straight. Like a maniac. Scrubbing a floor with a toothbrush and emptying dressers and closets to organize them kind of cleaning, Moving furniture and vacuuming under it etc.

Then I was mostly down for the next couple of days, and my hubby came to help me at the barn on Sunday. I felt slightly better after work that day and Monday was when I saw my pdoc and he thought I looked better.

Monday night I crashed again and felt like garbage and was low and panicky this morning. I was panicking and having a melt down on the way to work because I’m in a panic about my ECT and hospital stay not lining up properly and we have to fly my mom from Ontario to babysit dogs and look after the house while I’m gone.. So I was losing it and yelling that I wasn’t going to go to the hospital at all then etc. Melt down. All the way I had images in my head of driving into other cars but they were just a thoughts with no compulsive feelings.

A couple of hours later I was flying high and hypo, having a great talk with a old friend, but in spite of laughing and feeling happy at the time, I feel extremely anxious and over stimulated now. My skin feels like it’s vibrating on the inside and that depression is lurking there waiting to strike. I have that anxious dread that makes it hard to breathe. Even though it felt happy, it felt artificial somehow, but the feelings were genuine, just that they were layered on top. The happiness felt like a delicate bubble that will burst.

So when someone suggested I might be mixed and I didn’t think I had enough energy to be. But I don’t know. I’m very comfortable calling this an agitated depression and I want out of this episode as soon as I can. It is hell. I’m all over the place. Suicidal one day, cleaning my house top to bottom, walking dogs and riding my horse, blurting everything out of my mouth that flits through my head and having no filters, having melt downs where I break or throw things.

It seems like insomnia is a prerequisite for most people for mixed. I have a great deal of difficulty falling asleep, but once there I stay asleep for my hours. So I'm not sure what's going on with me. All I know is that I am extremely unstable and my mood is shifting quickly and dramatically on the surface, but underneath it all the depression is clawing at my soul.

I'm going to the hospital but not sure when which is hard. I got screwed on the waiting list and my ECT doesn't start back up again till Nov 13 so I'm not sure what is going on.

I'd love to be able to get back to being productive and living my life, and not having it completely revolve around my bipolar.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It sounds to me like you are mixed. I've had times I was mixed and could sleep after a fight to get there. I think when you are on meds that make you sleepy sometimes those override the mixed and sometimes if there is enough depression it will override the agitation because depression is exhausting. I just always picture the 2 extremes at war with each other and jousting. Either side gets in a good hit at the other side from time to time and that lets one end bubble up more but then the jousting continues and the other side wins for a bit. Sometimes a "win" lasts a few days and sometimes it is less. But it will always change.

This year has been so confusing to me because I've mostly not been mixed and so I haven't had the switching/jousting thing going on and I am used to waiting for that. But for now, for at least a few days, it's here. Sadly it feels familiar, much more so than the dark depression. AT this point I don't want to be changing around so much; we have plans for handling the depression and I don't want to deal with that changing because I'm suddenly mixed 11 months into this mess. But I guess I have no choice and this will decide medication over ECT probably.

I'm sorry you can't start your ECT sooner. Does going IP move it up the list at all?