Hi. When I was 55 or 56 my therapist and psychiatrist suggested I apply for SSDI (United States disability insurance). I had never heard of disability insurance, and didn't want to apply or be considered disabled. All I wanted was some friends and a job. Meaning, a job where I would be treated right and fairly, and not sabotaged or bullied. I had been self employed for over 20 years, had a lot of clients, but was unable to work enough hours to make decent money due to gigantic need for rest as well as periods of depression where I could not work. I was married then, and the man I was married to brought in some money, so we survived and almost paid off the house. My two businesses were teaching private music lessons, and secretarial work. By the time I got my dx of bipolar 2, I was burned out and tired of teaching. I had loved teaching, but didn't anymore. There were no professional jobs for me -- i.e. I was not qualified for any good jobs due to lack of experience in the various fields. And I was divorced by that time. (Yes, it's a real racket -- you can't have a chance to try something new!) Well, I tried working in offices. Got "good jobs" with a temp agency. Temp agencies are not what they were in the 1960s and 1970s when I loved working that way. Now, they work you half to death. So the clients often "get their s**t together about 4:00 in the afternoon and expect the office staff to work overtime for free! Which I refused to do. Usually I called my vocational rehab worker on my lunch hour from a pay phone and sobbed. So I was deemed unable to work. I feel SO BAD about that. I feel like a failure that I could never do the "normal" thing that other people do -- work a job and support myself. Any else have a similar experience and similar feelings of shame for not being able to support yourself?

I've been a very hard worker my entire life despite being very ill for most of it. Not only have I held down full time jobs the whole time (except past few years) but I usually had my own business, took good care of 2 special needs children, cooked and did all the cleaning.....always taking care of 2 or more dogs but I've also usually ran a side business along side this. My world came crashing down due to chronic illness (physical and mental) and now collect SSDI. 6 figure income dwindled to near poverty level in the blink of an eye because my husband was attacked on the job and injured his neck with spinal cord involvement. It's a lot to let soak in and most of the time I try hard not to even think about it. Being on disability feels shameful (although I fully support ANYONE who needs it). It's embarrassing and feels degrading. I feel like a second class citizen no matter how many people tell me I shouldn't. So yes....I do relate and I'm so, so sorry you are feeling this way too. My livelihood is entrusted to other people and I never feel safe. It's horrible but at least we have it. It would be a nightmare for many of us if SSI and SSDI didn't exsist.

(((HUGS))))

[gayleggg]

I finally had to give up and get on SSDI. Work had become too stressful for me. I was working for a temp agency and they were sending me to different jobs all the time and I just couldn't keep up. I barely make enough to get by on, but I have less stress, except when it comes to paying the bills. I, also, find retirement to be boring without the money to do anything with. I would love to travel but can't afford it.

[still_crazy]

:-) never mind

[BipolaRNurse]

I've been on SSDI for the past year and a half. Toward the end of my nursing career I became completely unable to handle the stress of working, and being a nurse is one of the most stressful jobs around. I hated losing my career, but all the meds and therapy in the world couldn't keep me afloat, so I had no choice but to file for disability benefits.

I was very lucky---I got it on my first try---and even though it's only a fraction of what I used to make as a nurse, I'm grateful for it. It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I CAN'T work. Maybe that will change someday, and maybe it won't; I'm pushing 60 so I'm not exactly desirable as an employee even if I were to try again.

[mindwrench]

I've worked off and on since I was around 15. I've been able to work less than half of the years since then. I've had many, many failed attempts to stay in the workplace but they typically fell apart within a few weeks to a few months. If I felt like trying again, I couldn't buy a job with the mess I've made of my work history and burned bridges. I'm very good at a few trades, enough that three of the jobs I've had over the years I quit and was rehired multiple times. I burned many bridges though by melting down and being very nasty to some people in my industries each time I fell apart and left the job market. I do have a small business that I have run for 19 years on the side, but I ignored my customers for long enough that they stopped calling.

I totally get the bad feelings associated with not being able to stay on track and tough my way through everything. I've pissed away some really good opportunities over the years. I applied for disability last year based on physical ailments, as I had not sought treatment for mental health at that point. I was denied. I am pretty much in financial ruins at this point and thinking about hiring an attorney to appeal or try again.

All of my T's and pdocs at the mental health clinic asked me how long I had been on disability when I met them, and upon learning I wasn't they suggested I should be. I know I need to do something soon as I've got no backup plan or savings left. If not for family allowing me to stay, I would be homeless at this point.

[still_crazy]

I think I'm blessed to be on disability. Society as a whole may look at me as a "mental patient" on a good day, a "parasite" on most days, but I am doing better, both physically and mentally, on disability than I ever did when I tried (and failed) to support myself working.

I had mental problems from a young age. Its a long story, but my parents are (or, were, anyway) big fans of Szasz and Foucault when it comes to mental illness. My mother, in particular, has problems with mental health. She considers it most of it a "myth of the patriarchy," etc.

So, basically, I was near a breakdown in high school, but I went without any sort of treatment or...anything, really. I graduated HS a bit early and was off to college even though I was in no condition to do much of anything independently, especially pursue a degree in an urban area away from home.

Lots of (mostly bad) things happened, I was given all sorts of labels, and now...well, I'm on disabillity. And finishing a degree, at long last. I have my (thankfully, "comfortable") people behind me. The current round of experts have put down for "severe Bipolar I" with a strong tendency towards psychotic depression.

Life hasn't turned out to be what I thought it would be when I was, say, 15, but I have what I need and then some. With the economy the way it is (and it doesn't seem to be improving all that much, either) and with all the stigma attached to me here in my community, I doubt I'll ever be able to support myself. Maybe something amazing and miraculous will happen, but...it looks like I'm going to have a quiet, uneventful life as a "mental patient" from a "good family."

I've made my peace with this. :-)

[Nammu]

I've been on SSDI since I was 28. I laughed at them( all the doctors) who said I needed to be on it. I couldn't believe I was so bad off even though my life at that point was a mess and I was in and out of the hospital. I'm very thankful that they did that for me although at the time it was awful to relize that so many saw me as disabled. I saw it as failure. It's taken me years to become stable and without SSDI I would probably be dead.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm on various forms of disability. I was either in the military or a good paying civilian job until 2012, when it all crashed down. Even I've been diagnosed bipolar 1 it's my anxiety that has kept me from finding another job or going back to school. I know I need to get over my phobias to be able to do things but it's been tough. Right now I earn enough to pay the mortgage and bills. That's about it.