New & I want someone to tell me--Am I Bi-Polar??

I have not been diagnosed as being Bipolar by a physician, they have always told me I had depression (what about all the rage I am feeling too & the bad mood swings?) doctors are wrong all the time! I was even told I had Adult ADD. As I was watching Oprah one day, I realized that those bipolar people sure did sound like me. So I then got curious & started doing some research on the Internet on Bipolar & I fit most of the criteria. I was amazed that this could really have a name & that I may not be just a crazy b**** after all. My dad & his sister were always "crazy" & I can see myself becoming like them more & more the older I get. I do not want my 2 children living in an angry house like I did. I am a 33 yr. old wife & mother of two. This is my story, see if it sounds like Bipolar.....
When I was young, around age 10 years old, I remember seeing things in my room that weren't there. One night this evil looking faceless "person" wearing a black hooded cape woke my up by slapping me across the right side of my face. I woke up scared to death & saw this "person" walking out of my bedroom, but it turned around, looked right at me & laughed the most evil sounding laugh I had ever heard. I was so scared that I couldn't even scream! When I could finally scream, my dad came running to my room. He immediately checked all the doors & windows & they were all locked. There was nobody in our house but mom, dad & me. About 2 or 3 nights later I woke up to find this girl sitting on the end of my bed & she looked exactly like me. She put her hand on my foot & said "it's OK, don't be scared". That scared me even more! I then screamed again & here comes mom & dad checking the house again. They started thinking that I was having weird dreams or that I was making it up, because I use to tell lies & make up stories all the time. I didn't understand why they didn't believe me, as far as I was concerned, they were all true.

I don't think I was a "difficult" child, although family and friends tell me now I was hard to be around. I didn't like to "share" - but that's "normal" for a kid. They chalked it up to my being an only child. (I was an only child until I was 13). There was always a rational explanation to explain my many odd behaviors. Looking back on my childhood, I was an extremely moody kid for as long as I can remember. Some days it was enormous temper tantrums followed by hours of hysterics, other days, the world was perfect, and I loved everything. My family was mostly normal. In my family I was the vocal one; in fact, a good portion of the time, I would talk incessantly, for hours, about disconnected things, and people didn't interrupt, as that would generally result in hysteria on my part. I honestly did not see myself as different; I guess I thought all kids acted that way. This put my mother and her nagging into high gear, which only made it worse!

My parents had been trying to have a baby ever since I was about 1 yr old & one week after my 13th birthday, I got a little baby sister. That is when it started falling apart between my parents & myself. I started being bad to get their attention & when I didn't get it, I would sit in my room depressed for days & not come out. I think that is when my RAGE started. I hated being ignored & still do. When I got mad, it wasn't just "mad" anymore, it was full-blown rage & it came on very suddenly. There was no calming me down, if anyone tried to calm me down, I would get madder & start throwing things at them & breaking dishes, etc... My parents thought I was just a brat & blew it off.

By the time I was in my early teens, I had already mastered the art of being "the good girl" - donning the "mask of normalcy" I would continue to wear for many years. Still to this day, I am one person with my husband & kids & when my parents or grandparents come around, I turn into this other person, the girl they want me to be, a good girl. They never see the real me, crazy & all.


My self-esteem was low. I was very shy and had already been labeled a "snob". Even though it was hurtful and unfair, I wished people would try to get to know me before labeling me, while subconsciously avoided letting anyone close enough to discover "my secret" - not that I knew yet what that secret was. I always knew I was a little different than my friends. One day I felt like I could conquer the world then the next I was so depressed I couldn't stand to be around myself. I was also afraid I wouldn't be accepted.

I did not want to be miserable, irritable and angry? Didn't anyone realize that I couldn't stand living with myself? The mood swings started to come faster and faster. Many moments were filled with wild aspirations of changing the world, thoughts racing at mach speed, starting numerous projects (and never finishing them!) then, crashing so low that nothing mattered anymore.

I had this boyfriend when I was age 16-20 yrs old that was just like me as far as being mad at the drop of a hat. We had a very rocky life together. I would feel like he wasn't paying enough attention to me, so I would go out & have sex with other men. When he would find out, he would be so angry with me that one time he actually tried to throw me out of his truck while we were going down the road. Another time he choked me & slammed me up against a wall. Four years of horrible scrutinizing of me and screaming at me all the time did me in. When it would blow over & we'd get back together, I could always manipulate him & tell him that it was his fault that I had sex with these other guys...& he believed me. I was manipulative. It wasn't his fault, it was my own need to feel like I had some power over men & use sex as my weapon of choice. I felt good about myself as long as I could get guys to "want me", but not put out. I would tease them for months & then finally shocked them by saying let's meet at the motel in 5 minutes. That was my high. After I had sex with them, they were no longer a challenge. There was only one man I had sex with that I kept seeing behind my boyfriends back, that was only because he fed my ego & made me feel good about myself.

I was 17 when I consciously admitted to myself that something was indeed wrong with me. At age 17, my parents put into a mental ward and put me on Prozac. They told everyone that I went to visit my aunt in Canton, TX for a couple of weeks, even though I didn't even have an aunt in Canton. I didn't want to have to take a pill to be normal & refused to take it after I got back home, I was scared to be on medicine for the rest of my life. After my parents put me into this awful place, I saw them in a whole new light & realized that I didn't want to be with them anymore, so I moved out of my parents house & began living with my friend & her parents. I got into fights and experienced road rage every time I was driving. (I still have very bad road rage). I knew that something was wrong but I didn't want to admit it. I hide my feelings with anger, I lashed out at my family for my problems.... I went from the perky, happy go lucky, smiley, bubbly teenager that I was, to a cynical, irritable, moody, slightly depressed pain in the ***. My fiery irritability, ever changing moods, and violent out bursts were out of control. I was never violent before this. I was smoking a pack a cigarettes by the age of 16, drinking, partying, staying out till sunrise, and hanging out with 20 year olds. I was spending money like it was nothing. I bought myself everything I wanted and things for my friends too. I didn't care. My mom would give my friend gas money every week to take me to school, we would take that money & skip school. We would go to her boyfriends' house & then steal money out of his house.

I was always a good student but could have been so much better than what I ever put the effort towards to achieve. I was absent about 32 days in my first semester of my junior year. I skipped school so I could go drinking with my friends. At this point I missed so much school it only worsen my depression and I stopped going, or make a weekly appearance. I quit school my junior year because I couldn't wait to get out of there, school was so boring. I wanted to get out & do more important things, or so I thought. My mind was always racing & I was starting to go through these cycles of feeling either extremely high (although I never used drugs), or I felt extremely low & depressed for days, sometimes weeks. I had spells of being moody and full of rage. During my depressions, I would spend hours in my room writing poetry, or walking the streets of my town.

I had severe depression as a teen, and yet, even after telling several people, it was brushed off as an "adolescent thing." I was put on several different antidepressant medications, but that never worked, sometimes it felt like it was making me rage even more. For more than half of my life, I'd been thinking I had something wrong with my heart or body. I've always picked the skin on my fingers to the point of bleeding, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and pure despair, an unnatural fear of germs, the strange desire to "check" everything- locks, doors, closets, showers.

When I was 20 yrs old, I broke off my relationship with this man that I had been dating for four yrs. (& he was also four yrs older than me) - who had been nothing but bad for me. He looked at me and told me I was crazy and he pitied the man I would end up with. Was I that bad? I thought I was fun to be around! In my mind I was the perfect catch, and he was the crazy one! He used to always say to me I was different and no body could possibly love me...blah blah, blah...so at 20, I kicked him out! SEE YA! I started up another relationship immediately (the very next day) afterwards with someone who was his complete opposite. This was in January of 1995. The relationship was a whirlwind, and within three months, we were engaged. Four months later, we were married. And immediately after that, I became severely depressed. I lost my job. I have been married to the same man for 12 yrs & he is good for me & very patient.

I beat my self up emotionally about everything that has happened to me and how it has affected my family. It seems like every-time I would mess up my life my family would fix it and that would be the end of it. They were not aware of my condition or neither was I. I thought that I just didn't care enough about my self or family. I was thinking I was hearing people talk to me. I could hear their voices, but I'm the only one to hear them. I thought people were watching me, thinking that scorpions were on me all the time. I had irrational fears of getting cancer.

I am very good in hiding feelings, thoughts, and myself. I can easily just erase something from my mind like it never happened. Rage has been one of the hardest obstacles for me to deal with. I struggled to keep a job. I was an optician since 1999. The Optical field was all I had ever known, all I ever really wanted to do. I worked mostly in the lab by myself & I would throw these fits where I would cuss & throw things across the room. I would scream at people when they came in there to check on me. Sometimes I would have to go out & sell glasses to the public, which I absolutely HATED having to deal with people. If they didn't pick their frames right away, I would be furious! Everyone thought I just had a bad temper, but it got to the point that the doctors I worked for didn't want to deal with me or my mood swings anymore, so I have been fired from all my jobs.

I even went so far as to go back to college to re-train myself for a new career field. But alas, I also was unable to complete that. I have started college numerous times with numerous majors. I would always lose interest about midway through the semester - if I even made it that far! I went to college for almost 2 years and got a total of 9 credits. I was wasting my time.

I have always been the mother who was so involved in every facet of lives of my children. I learned how to suppress the symptoms for social situations so that no one would ever know I had a problem. I tend not to want to be a people person. I usually stay away from meeting new people or making new friends unless I absolutly HAVE TO. If I see an old friend, I try to hide so they don't see me or screen all my calls to avoid people.
I do have a problem with my children's teachers. Every year, I feel like I have to "break them in" by giving them at least one good griping at, then I'll be nice to them. But if they do something I don't agree with, I immediately email the principal, call the Texas Education Agency, or go completely overboard until they comply. I'm sure the staff at *********** Elementary thinks I am a total whack job! They never know what kind of mood I'll be in when I call or go up there.

It takes everything that I have to get up and take care of the kids everyday. I can't talk to anyone about it, I am scared! I don't want to be the bad mom. I let my housework go, I could barely take care of myself let alone two children - being at home all the time with the kids got to me. I could stay up all night without being the sleepy the next day. I noticed that my moods were beginning to cycle and I couldn't control them. I have a terrible time concentrating. Sometimes when I am raging, I beat myself on the head and chest with my fists while screaming. The good feelings change to anger, irritability and raging rampages. I am never happy enough. I hardly shower or brush my teeth, don't bother changing out of my nightgown, I'm very angry, rageful when confronted with reality by family members. I just couldn't make phone calls, couldn't leave the house, wouldn't talk, and would only scream at those around me. I wake up filled with dread. I put on the TV. and listen to the news, over and over. Then I wake up my son & daughter, give them a bowl of cereal, and put on the lesser dirty of the two pair of pants that fit me. I think to myself, "where and how should I carry my keys on the trip bringing him to school?". "Should I take a checkbook - so much trouble how it falls off my shoulder - am I wearing the pair of pants with a pocket?" Both of my coats have huge holes in the pockets so they are rendered useless. I admonish myself, "You are a wreck. You are living like a 'crazy' person". I drive the four miles to school and rush home although there is absolutely no reason to rush. I am coming home to an empty house, no job, and no obligations, except two: baby-sit someone else‘s kids all day, and pick up my kids from school at 3:00. I am consumed with panicky dread as to how I can or cannot accomplish these tasks. I get really worked up inside but I smile politely and say hi to all my neighbors. I turn on the TV again, make a glass of Dr. Pepper, pace around, play an hour of solitaire while listening to old re-runs that I Tivo on TV (Roseanne is my favorite show because I see that she is a lot like me). I never answer the phone --all calls are screened and I call back only those I must to appear functional.

Sometimes I watch old movies with many interruptions of bathroom breaks and pointless cleaning. I can't sit still for a full hour to watch something on TV. Very rarely do I get much household stuff done. I make myself take the dog out and again I am in a quandary about the keys," are my shoes too dirty? I wish I had sunglasses, which route do I take with the dog? Why am I so messed up?"

I have 2 kids that come to my house that I baby-sit about 10:00 AM everyday. I try my best do a good job with them. There is a two yr old boy that is very cool (not one bit of trouble out of him) & his sister is one yr old. She is a bit moody herself & when she cries, it sends me into orbit! I have to do everything in my power not to hurt her. I am afraid that one day I might get too mad & hurt one of them & they are not even my kids. Their mother doesn't know that I have these terrible mood swings. I would never want to hurt any child, NEVER. I feel so guilty that I even think these things about these kids & that makes me depressed. I have to do something to earn money & if I can't keep a job, babysitting is the next best thing. I don't feel like I will be able to do that for long because my moods are so quick to turn & I would not want to be responsible for someone else's kids. This isn't me when I have these feelings about these kids...I love kids, I use to be the cool mom, now nobody wants to come over because I scream at my kids all the time. That is not fair for any of them.

When I pick up my 2 kids from school, I occasionally stop at the gas station so they can get some candy to give him a sense of normalcy. I buy the newspaper and read this while they unwind from the day. We do interact a lot more than we used to. I play solitaire, I wash a couple of dishes, I wipe down a counter, I put away some crap lying around the living room, I try to be a 'mom'. Obsessive creative activity (albeit on the smallest scale) where I totally block out the world and my family, days and nights that were never-ending and blending into each other, impulsive, screaming rants. When the kids get home from school, I cannot focus on anything because of all the noise & that makes me angry most days & I wind up screaming at them when all they are trying to do is tell me about their day at school. Background noise makes me crazy, if the kids want to talk, everyone else has to be quiet, mute the TV, etc... so I can focus on what they are saying, otherwise I start screaming. It's like all my emotions are just completely intensified! My thoughts are always racing through my mind over & over.

I can walk into the room happy and energetic and then five seconds later I am depressed accusing my husband of not loving me and screaming at him. Then I would be happy and laughing again. I still wonder how my husband has managed to live through the thoroughly irritable, agitated and angry person I became so frequently and the even longer depressions that would follow.

I love my family so very much & they are wonderful. I see the days / weeks / months just flying by & I want to slow it down so I can live my life with them & take my time. It seems like my life is flying by me so fast (like I‘m in the middle of a tornado) & I am missing special moments with my family. I'm on the outside looking in, I so desperately want back in.

Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. Only I am to this day an only child. Your teens were very different, I didn't drink or have sex or even date... however I was shy and people thought I was a snob because of it. I saw some creatures in my room as a little girl and sometimes heard the piano playing when it wasn't. When I graduated high school I decided I couldnt' stand my low self esteem and I hated myself so much I wanted help. I too was diagnosed for several years with depression (plus OCD which was accurate... but that's another forum altogether). A lot of us are misdiagnosed with depression because we see our doctors when we are depressed and often avoid them when we have our "up swings". After being depressed, being manic can actually feel pretty good so we often think we are "doing better" when it is actually a real symptom. After three years of trying different meds and therapies my psychiatrist decided that maybe something else was going on so I was scheduled for regular visits -once a week - so she could evaluate me more closely. That is when she realized I was actually bipolar, not depressed and since then things have gotten so much better. I don't understand all the technical stuff dealing with our disorder, but bring the possibility up to your doctor so she can take a closer look at your behavior. It is a possible diagnosis, and once you have the proper diagnosis, you are on your way.
PS Do not be afraid of medication... if you were diabetic you wouldn't think twice about taking your medication regularily... psychological disorders are phsyical, chemical disorders and often require medication as well. People don't always realize that the brain is part of the body and can get sick just like any other! Best of luck!

from what i have read and i am not a dr. it sounds like bipolar there are several types of bp. the money thing the sex thing i totaly understand i wentr throught the rage stage in my early 20's-25. i have three kids and i know what its like to wake up and feel like i could just sleep and don;t want to get out of bed no motivation. yet i love my children with all of my heart it wasn't them it was me. i relate to the figures that you have see when i was younger i lived with my parents the was theis "man" figure in the house it ran through my room and down the hall i called thre police it was that real the neighbor came over with his gun to check things out before the police got there. to this day i still see things that shouldn't be there. all this to say do you have a dr? you need a dr to get meds to help you you will feel more alive more vibrant have motivation with the right combo of meds. i hate taking that handfull of meds but i do it for my family they matter and i matter enough( most the time ) to take them. good luck contact me any time we have alot in common.-onyx

madmama74 ...
as Onyx said there are so many variations of Bp.Best to see a Pdoc.
I was also diagnosed with depression & was medicated for over a year with antidepressants that ultimatly made things worse.
I was depressed as a teen too......15 years old cutting, burning, and plans to throw myself down the stairs.....I never got help.My brother did though....they had him locked up, on and off,for 4 years in a mental ward at the age of 13.
I was told his first dx was ADD it was in the end BIPOLAR 1.

I seen the hospital as an aweful place and I was NEVER going there.I should of got help.My family was too wrapped up in constant crisis to notice and I couldnt ask.

Lithium has worked pretty good for me....hopefully youll get the right dx and the right meds.....

Good luck

Welcome to PC madmamma74, it does sound like you have the symptoms for Bipolar disorder, as dreamrunner said its best to see a pdoc though for an offical diagnostic. I can relate to you in a lot of ways, I'm bipolar 1 with mixed states and rapid cycling. As a young kid at age of 8, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Depression. since I can remember all the way throughout school I was very moody and get irratable and angry easily and letting my anger get the best of things that later I'll end up regreting. I ended up just barely graduating (had a good counselor that helped me to been able to graduate.) and I also was cuttting/burning myself when I feel depressed and at the end of high school year I attempted suicide, and ended up in the psychiatric hospital, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and when I found out what it was it described me so very well. Now I take meds so that my moods don't go up and down the rollercoaster as much and releived that I know what I have and that there is a treatment for it.

I apologize for not reading your entire post, but some of the stuff you mention is not common with Bipolar,but not impossible either,it can occur, but not common, your childhood hallucinations.
To get a definitive answer to your topic question, you'd need to have a true psychiatric evaluation, by a real life pdoc, not the internet resources.
There are lots of good and bogus stuff online, many disorders have overlapping behaviour/traits, so I wouldn't advise anyone to be "self-diagnosing".
People can have more than 1 DX, and there is treatment for many, but it's best to take this up with a licensed mental health professional and then go from there, medication and/or may be a huge help to you, prescribed by a doctor in the proper field.
I wish you lots of luck with this,and urge you to keep faith within yourself, there's help.
Take care,
DE

I agree with Darkeyes. It's rather easy to read through your post and say, "Well that sounds like a bipolar symptom, that one doesn't," etc. but I really think it would be best to see a doctor. It might help to take a copy of your post with you.

I further agree that effective treatment is very possible. You don't have to continue to fight this battle on your own.

One thing no one else has pointed out, and forgive me if I overstep here, but regarding the children you babysit, if you truly believe you may one day lose control, I think you should cease to take them in until you get some help from a doctor.

I wish you all the best of luck. Take care.

Welcome to PC. I'm relatively new and I can empathise with what you've gone through and are going through. I'm sure there are alot of people here that are willing to help you make peace within yourself. With how people think of you. Mood swings with your significant other. I was just diagnosed Bipolar and I wasn't upset or freaking out. When I read about the symptoms. It finally made sense on why I am the way I am. So you're not alone even though you may feel like it.