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Old 07-25-2018, 08:23 AM #11
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Default Scapegoated my sanctuary

Once my parents bought their council house, they spoke like their life's mission was complete. They never had any intention of helping me make good use of my brain . Or helping me or my brother get a car. Sometimes I feel like they are only comfortable now because they cheated the system. Nothing stopped my mum from working full time when I was got to high school. Like any other decent parent would have done. They were told I was intelligent and talented but my mum didn't care. Her life was s^it, since my father so I would pay for it. I felt that thetr were conditions attached to love. Only if I became "a" something, with a title would it make it worthwhile that my dad went to the solicitors to see me. And my mum ? Even my grans niece said she was difficult to read and understand. Hardly surprising I was in anguish. I tried to hide it. My mum really did poison my grand parents against me. My Biology teacher said I would only make it so far by not applying myself and she was right. She knew I was bright but everyone thought it was just me who had an attitude problem and they lapped up every lie my mother Told. My grand parents were on my mums side. I felt alone now. I know my grandfather loved
His grand children, everyone knew that. I did feel like a disappointment in his eyes. He spoke about my love life because I never failed anything at school so he didn't need to ask that.

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Old 07-25-2018, 04:40 PM #12
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Default On the road

I asked to go to basketball with a pal. No. I asked to do cross country. No. Why? I asked. I didn't like it so you won't. The real reason : my brother had asthma. When he had nits, my made him feel better by pretending that I had them too. A few flakes of skin were the eggs she said. Right so no insects but the eggs flew onto my head. Assignments for what you did on summer break. Hm let's see. Lied to that the pictures was fully booked. Get the hell out my sight. Seen gran at lunchtime for impromptu visit to get some nice food. Bored. Bored. Radio. Draw. Books. Tv. Bike. Phone friends. There wasnt much to do though.Eventually retreat in doors.
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Old 07-26-2018, 08:34 AM #13
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Default It's not your fault

It's not my brothers fault that his cousin is off the rails. We had a tough up bringing. I disagree with the way you were cut off completely for not even attempting that apprenticeship that your dad got you. However, I would have killed for that chance. You didnt even try. My brother stuck with his terrible boss barely getting enough work to keep afloat. Don't bring up his phase that many young men go through around here.
My brother also took a second job behind a bar while getting his apprenticeship for a short time. Sorry you didn't get your savings account but you must understand that I blew my top because I had to get a second job cleaning while working my main job and college. I never had an account set up for me. Grandad wanted to give YOU his car. You could have traded it in. But mum and dad took it of course.
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Old 07-28-2018, 02:11 PM #14
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Default Trying to put faith and trust in people not god

Religion is for people who are afraid of hell, spirituality is for those that have been there. I don't believe that what goes around comes around because this is not a just world. Bad things happen to good people all the time and nice guys finish last. But when you feel deserted, like me, you begin to think that it can't be those around me to blame. I must change myself. But only part of me believed this. The other part of me thought yes, I have been dealt this horrible hand. And some people are wrong about me. When you have been really sick like I was, you do clutch at straws. I lost faith in people so perhaps there is something else out there. But I woke up of course and realised that it was irrational to believe in something omnipresent and righteous,some supreme being. That I should look for what's beautiful on the earth right here and now. I made a conscious decision that I wanted to happy and live my life. At first I thought it was part of my condition that hadn't been treated. Yes, I half believed that wanting to be happy was because I was ill!

I do.however wonder if those moths that kept appearing in our bath were a bad omen? I'd never seen such huge grey dusty moths. Or was just because we lived near woodland and the golf course. I couldn't settle down with Fred. I would have grew old to be as bitter as my father. Not to mention all the other signs in the fabric of my being. The depression was my life and surroundings. Everyone at my work said they wished they had lived their lives before husband and kids. I can see why they thought child's play had their finger on the pulse and was living the life of riley. So of course I would ponder that maybe I am missing something. I did feel stuck.
But when I applied to college in the city, it wasn't to party, I was passed that. I would liked to have met other friends sure but I wanted a chance at getting a career. I felt like I was wasting my minds thirst for knowledge and purpose. And that a student digs was tolerable for a year.
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Old 07-28-2018, 02:40 PM #15
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Default Funeral - I was still un well

I over heard my mum and neighbour chatting away and they brought up my father. Everyone was talking about my father who said that I didn't have the decency to go to my own grandmothers funeral. To call him a hypocrite is being kind! I was at home sure, but I wasn't "better." I wasn't well enough to go and he was the one who didn't bother getting In touch with me to let me know where the funeral and teas were being held.
My mum said to my neighbour it was his fault as he never got in contact. My neighbour said something and then my mum relied " he probably doesn't want anything to do with her now since she now has something wrong with her." Yet she spoke to a couple in the pub whose kid had a diagnosis and they were at university and have turned out to be successful in every aspect of life. My doctor sent me home with NO solid diagnosis.
Anyway father, you never came to see me being born even though there was nothing stopping you. You wouldn't have bothered with me if you had a job at the time, I know in my heart of hearts that's the truth. You were being spiteful and people were a bit shocked to hear the way you referred to me. If someone asked if I was getting better, you would say :who? What HER? I don't know what SHE is up to.
I was mad at you for the way you treated my gran anyway. She had dementia and you didn't even cook her tea when doing your own.
How could I have went to the funeral. What would I say?My life was in tatters. What do you do study or work? None. I couldn't face people I had never ever met or barely knew. I wasn't speaking to you either ! I could never have handled that atmosphere when I was still recovering from my breakdown. So I decided that was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.
You didn't contact me to tell me about the ins and outs of the funeral. You could have put a note through the letter box at the very least. How hard could that have been?? Your telephone number. Or date and time of funeral . Think about it! You were always passive and quick to blame everyone else. I wished sometimes I could just give you a shake and say stop living In the past. Its not SAD. It wasn't the seasons or weather affecting you it was you and your web of depression that you wove yourself. Sorry I'm such a big disappointment but it wasn't you who provided for me as a kid was it? You were my father but never a dad. I only got anything at xmas. But even then you were aggrieved because I couldn't get into.the chemistry set you bought one year.

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Old 07-28-2018, 04:27 PM #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
Once my parents bought their council house, they spoke like their life's mission was complete. They never had any intention of helping me make good use of my brain . Or helping me or my brother get a car. Sometimes I feel like they are only comfortable now because they cheated the system. Nothing stopped my mum from working full time when I was got to high school. Like any other decent parent would have done. They were told I was intelligent and talented but my mum didn't care. Her life was s^it, since my father so I would pay for it. I felt that thetr were conditions attached to love. Only if I became "a" something, with a title would it make it worthwhile that my dad went to the solicitors to see me. And my mum ? Even my grans niece said she was difficult to read and understand. Hardly surprising I was in anguish. I tried to hide it. My mum really did poison my grand parents against me. My Biology teacher said I would only make it so far by not applying myself and she was right. She knew I was bright but everyone thought it was just me who had an attitude problem and they lapped up every lie my mother Told. My grand parents were on my mums side. I felt alone now. I know my grandfather loved
His grand children, everyone knew that. I did feel like a disappointment in his eyes. He spoke about my love life because I never failed anything at school so he didn't need to ask that.
When I left Fred, my family said I could stay at Grans as she had a spare room. The moment I left my parents they converted it back to two bedrooms. So it was my only option really. I knew it was only temporary.
Nobody realised that my Grandad had been holding Gran together so much. Me and dad alternated the lift to Bingo. I didn't make a huge effort to "get back out there" since my mind was set on moving away at all costs.
Being back "home" just brought back reverberations of my family saying something is wrong with me and I thought that they would try and force me back to Fred.
I may have considered going back seeing the way my family treated me. I was still an inconvenience.
I started drinking every night. And taking less and less of my medication because I needed more energy. I was working, getting all the paperwork to secure my grants and loans. And doing most things around the house and taking the dog. Getting the shopping or ferrying my gran and mum when they needed. I would have been better with Fred, I thought at times but I shook myself and said no matter how hard it is now, going back is not an option. I.dug my heels in. I couldn't go to the pub so I went to the gym and then an exercise class.
But my Gran was such hard work. I would ask what she wanted for tea and she would ask what do you want? With my work I didn't have tea at her normal time a lot. I tried to tell my mum that I couldn't make sure Gran ate all the time but it landed on deaf ears. And this couple who visited said that my gran was looking neglected and skin and bone! I was hurt. My Gran wanted whiskey and to smoke above anything else. Food was not high on her priorities list. Every night without fail my gran ran backwards and forwards to the toilet with her alcohol induced gastroenteritis.
She liked to cook some nights when she was still compos mentis . But she made mince and potatoes and the potatoes were watery mush after her forgetting. I snuck out to Chinese later and I decided it was best we had supper at separate times. I took her shopping one time and she bought three portions of macaroni cheese. And I was stressed but I joked you have a lifetime supply of macaroni this week. I told my mum that granny wasn't coping without Grandad. I said that she couldn't digest food from the chip shop either.
I had no.confidence to get my social life together . My bridges were never that strong to start with. I met old pals but all I could think was what Fred saying : a ward four reject is the reason you have no friends left. I thought I would only get new connections If I moved somewhere and started a fresh. Where nobody knew I had had psychiatric treatment.
But I had to go to rehab, I was so.unbelievably messed up. I got a pass to go back to Grans and I could have stayed. But the staff with their experiences knew that it wasn't going to be an option and said to me if I didn't feel safe the ward was open all day and night for people in a crisis.
Because I was fragile and recovering,I heard my gran running back and forth the whole night and I didn't get a wink of sleep. I went back.to the hospital while it was still dark. When I went to collect some of my belongings my mum and Gran had a tirade and my gran put on crocodile tears. Saying it's no wonder my Gran turns to the whiskey and trying to make me feel.guilty for leaving in middle of the night. It was so false. They didn't care, and my mum hadn't recovered from Grandad passing away. It was evil and twisted and they were just playing games.
The nurses and doctors broke down my walls and convinced me I had to go it alone even if it meant staying in a hostel. The social services and local council were fine too. But I was lucky and got a temp. flat. Then permanent. Pride isn't easy to Swallow. I lived off my savings along with job seekers. I had masses of clothes. And it felt good to de toxify my life. I did get back in touch with my family after three months on my own.
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Old 07-28-2018, 05:16 PM #17
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Default Sleep walking rule of four

I just wanted to speak to Fred. My grans microwave bit the dust so I asked if he could drop off ours. I did want the wii and my bike. I never took any dvds and left my cds and clothes. I took nothing really.
When I went back round I was just curious as to how he was taking our split. But mostly I had more things I needed. He was putting decking in the garden, he was in the shed cutting the wood. Mens health magazines and weights every where. The spare room had a bed now. Were they expecting me back?
He was In hyper drive and didn't say one word to me the whole time. Why was he spending time and money on the garden.
My mind started working overtime. I knew Fred and I know that he would push himself. That he wouldn't be giving himself the proper rest or sustanence.
The tattoo parlour had never seen someones tattoo
flake off so drastically as Freds. I.couldn't let him get Ill so I hit him where it hurt so he would accept help from his family.
I know my actions were drastic. I wanted to walk away. He was going to make himself un-well. So I took that book , because you asked what it was about when I left it lying around and I said Fred had a disorder. It was my mind working overtime . It was stupid. But Fred was a working man and he didn't much of a tea and his dad's portions were always bigger than his. I only noticed this because Fred went on at my parents.
I put my everything into that house when with Fred. But I did not want to fight over anything. And a solicitor was out of the question. I phoned his work when I was stuck in hospital. He needed to wake up to reality. Thank f^$k we never booked a holiday was his parting words.
If we argued he would say what is it you want from me, I am an average grafting man? I just wanted him to let me go. To stop reminding me of my past. I didn't choose to become un-well. Becoming unwell isn't a bad choice like committing a crime is. Stop treating me like damaged goods.
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Old 07-29-2018, 09:57 AM #18
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Default Ball and chain.

Fred would threaten to phone my parents when we fell out at times. This was partly the way the hospital treated me. They questioned my parents. And kept me in the dark. I was the last to be informed on my own health. But I know that its protocol to ask if anyone in my family had any mental health illness or issues.But in the end, the doctor I had then shared the conclusion with me and only me. Thanks for that it made a big difference for me.
When we moved in together Fred got even more controlling. It didn't surprise me. A normal loving relationship? One without conditions attached where we helped and balanced out each other. What was that?
Fred would tell me constantly that I would never find a man like him. He would imply that he was burdened with me because he loved me and love is blind. It felt like he was using love as a weapon.
But everyone it felt shared his view so it's no wonder his martyr/hero complex went to his head. No young man in his right mind would stick by a girl that had been a mental patient. That was the wide spread view. And Fred would remind me. It didn't matter who I was before hospital. I may as well have had a terminal illness.

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Old 07-30-2018, 02:26 PM #19
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Default The wrong crowd

I will put my hands in the air and say that maybe my detainment in hospital had just as much or even held more weight in the blame for me having no confidence to put myself back out here . Unlike Fred who solely blamed me for "burning his bridges." I did the opposite and tried to goad him to text or phone them.
I could have made new friends after hospital but it would have been a bad crowd. Fred and my family would completely have washed their hands of me if I was with the wrong crowd. And Fred was bad enough at turning me more against parents than I was all ready. So if I told others the way my family were, they may have convinced me I was better off without them.
I was a bit scared of being lonely. It would have been worse than just lonely, maybe homeless. I had no faith in the system in my country because we all get fed horror stories in papers and programmes.
If I had went into the hostels at 18 waiting for accommodation I am not sure I could have stayed away from drugs. I think I may have resorted to the final solution.
The hospital softens the blow. People aren't shocked to find out a mental patient or a drug user has done away with themselves.
I remember my neighbour speaking about a heroin addict coming to her door to try sell some il gotten gains. My neighbour said she was nice to her on one or two occasions so they probably don't have many people to turn to. That saying hello a couple of times and a simple act of kindness is a lot for a "junkie" when most don't understand them or shun them or speak about them like the devil's own.
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Old 07-31-2018, 04:11 AM #20
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Default Problem shared is a problem halved - police

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
Fred would threaten to phone my parents when we fell out at times. This was partly the way the hospital treated me. They questioned my parents. And kept me in the dark. I was the last to be informed on my own health. But I know that its protocol to ask if anyone in my family had any mental health illness or issues.But in the end, the doctor I had then shared the conclusion with me and only me. Thanks for that it made a big difference for me.
When we moved in together Fred got even more controlling. It didn't surprise me. A normal loving relationship? One without conditions attached where we helped and balanced out each other. What was that?
Fred would tell me constantly that I would never find a man like him. He would imply that he was burdened with me because he loved me and love is blind. It felt like he was using love as a weapon.
But everyone it felt shared his view so it's no wonder his martyr/hero complex went to his head. No young man in his right mind would stick by a girl that had been a mental patient. That was the wide spread view. And Fred would remind me. It didn't matter who I was before hospital. I may as well have had a terminal illness.
I don't think Fred is a bad person and I never did. He was just listening to what everyone around was saying. He didnt listen to many people but if it backed up his logic then he used it. I know many people whose partners consider divorce but they come around in the end. And being young, why tie yourself down with a "sick" girlfriend when the world's your oyster? Of course this was going to be the ugly truth at the back of everyone's minds.
I am glad we stayed together through the rough seas. He helped me to hold down work and kept me grounded enough that I lowered my expectations when Job hunting. And he admitted that I needed a lucky break and would get one eventually.
I was shaken up when I couldn't breathe after he held me down on sofa when we had a disagreement. I wish I hadn't said . But I couldn't have told my pals anyway if we were still in touch. I didn't want to put you or anyone in an uncompromising situation. I wasn't one for airing my dirty laundry. But it's hard keeping things to yourself. I guess the doctor psychiatrist would have been the one to tell or I should have phoned the police .
But Fred had said before that nobody would ever believe what I have to say because I had been through psychiatric treatment. And Fred had never never been in trouble for his violent out bursts and fights before so I didn't think I had a cat in hells chance of the police listening to me. He broke someone's ribs and the victim never reported him.
There was no bruising or lasting red marks from where he pinned my wrists to my chest. He put his whole weight on me and I was gasping for air. Nothing broken in the house either. I doubt he would have even got a caution. It would have been considered "a domestic."
I did believe that if it came to my word against Freds, my side of the story would have been dismissed. I think that he know he could get away with the way he treated me because of my spell in hospital. I was living in fear. I cried in the shower, I took an over dose. I would never escape my past.

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