An Audi TT

Forcing myself to be nice
Nobody likes to be
Sloppy seconds.
I like your jumper
Said witches of East wick
So you hid it and
I lost it. Ruining the trip for me.
I understand, three.
And yoghurt fruit flakes.
Some people would
Say I got my just desserts.

It was my decision to keep my distance from my new friends. My new friends never wanted to do much I toughr.They called on me, and I made up excuses to stay in and watch films instead of pointlessly wandering the streets. One of my pals said she would rather be bored with her friends when I went out more.
I had done things of the same nature that upset other people the way you upset me. But girls show off like boys. Especially as teens. With my parents I was bound to rebel at some point.
I had no business being so passive aggressive with you. You had grown up and were genuinely pleasant to me. I feel awful because you probably picked up that I was hostile for a reason.
I don't need to say I was messed up and heading into rehab. Don't pay attention to a word I said at the time. And I wish you all best for starting a family if you haven't all ready. Goodbye.

I understand that my mood disorder does share similar traits with other conditions. And I was arrogant to think that nobody thought I needed sort myself out. I sure to god did. And you offered me the opportunity to switch departments. And while at the launderette sometimes I would say that I didn't know how good I had it at my first proper job after helping at gym classes. I was indeed erratic and probably self medicating the whole time.

It was my granny that told me why a 5 year old me had a You have been framed worthy moment. My father was teasing me, thinking it was amusing. In the aftermath of a wedding and someone caught it all on camera. Lucky me.
My Gran and Grandad didn't like my father. If he hadn't been in the army I doubt he would have got their blessing. Even then they reluctantly agreed. He looked happy in the wedding photos to my mum though. And I can only remember him when he got back in touch, out of the blue it felt like to me. I didn't go the first few times, I ran back inside in tears.
And my mum shouted at him like a maniac when he came to the door. So I had to look out for his car every second Saturday. Soon enough my parents were still in bed with hangovers and I was the only one up on a Saturday morning.
The only time my father got angry with me was when I did French. And we had German family. I had only seen photos of them. I didn't mind seeing my father because he never once raised his voice. And at home, it couldn't have been more different. I was afraid to sneeze too loud at home. And I honestly felt like my mums hate for my father was unintentionally pased on to me. She would look at the obituaries hoping he had passed away my mum would say.

When we were out bowling one time. And we went into town to get food and a taxi. And Fred was wound up from arm wrestling someone. He was drunk and kept telling the man he was cheating and we all thought he was going to leap over the counter and hit the man. My friends decided to walk home. And Fred plucked from the air: we have sex about twice in four months. And he wouldn't quit. I said I don't want to come home with you and he tripped me up and pushed me over on the road. And said if I didnt he would tell my mummy and daddy and I would have a nice holiday in ward four. So I grabbed his phone and almost threw it into a garden centre. At the last minute I gave it back to him. I never fought in public with Fred after that.
ATM you could have been asked to do Jeremy Kyle. My husband was stolen by a teenager who has slept with more men than I have eaten hot dinners. At least I feel some shame and regret. Loudmouth bas^tard.

Fred was tired because he did not relax. It was not sex! I had to concoct a story that because I had been on the contraceptive pill for so many years, I had to take a break. And what do I find a day later when putting Freds washing away that wasn't there before : condoms.
He genuinely used to say: I can sleep when I am dead. He really adopted that philosophy. He thought it was funny that his work mate thought he was so pasty and tired because I couldn't get enough of him and kept him awake or disturbed his sleep . I hope you corrected him I asked. And he just said nothing. Got up and said he had to clean the fish tank.

I have a sneaky suspicion that his young girlfriend only stayed with him to uphold her honour and her families. She had to say that it was the real thing and she did love him. A fling would not be tolerated by her family. She was still in school!! They may have questioned did he "groom" her if she did not say she thought it was love.

I wasn't given dinner money. My brother was. I had to go home. Fred had a big family. What was my mum's excuse? I would say I only go home so I can spend money on other things. And one half of the crowd I tagged along with didn't warm to me that well saying I was "brainy"

There was no middle ground for me. Tempers flared at mum and David's. Passive aggression with my father. My father completely ignoring life, reality and responsibility. I needed physical things like clothes, food and shelter. Mum and David making it clear nothing comes for free. You have to work for every penny. That my room didn't actually belong to me, they worked to pay for it. My father couldn't face the truth. He didn't care for himself so how could he care for me. It was me who was the adult. The army had ruined his life. His own brothers in arms broke his leg on purpose! You can go scuba diving but you can't get a part time job?

I wasn't the strong one like my brother said on new years day 2012 when grandad passed away. It was my brother who was the normal one. He expressed his emotions the way he was meant to unlike his dad and Granda. And his nan and aunt thought the world of him for being emotional. It was me who wasn't in touch with my emotions. But when your hamsters died mum comforted you. Me and mum didn't have that. It would have been selfish of me to try and enforce the way I was practically neglected compared to you. I told Fred. But telling the doctors who have a permanent record of every session. I couldn't do it. The nurses said I could say that I would never get better going home because I was subjected to really bad verbal abuse, of a violent nature and there was no need to be specific. Part of the reason I was there was because I thought no one would believe me.

Nan said when I admitted at 24 that I was maybe jealous of my brother because it was just me and mum for a spell when she left my father. I told her that my mum went out partying while my father looked after me before she left. I didn't say anything about dinner money or clothes or phone contracts. The bike confession was ignored. And I knew that my nan gave my brother money all the time. But I wasn't a blood relative so It was just the way it was. Me and my brother were too different. I was brains, shy and he was outgoing and practical. My brother wasn't just my mum's favourite. I felt bad enough telling my nan about my brother getting a bike costing over double mine at Xmas. I wish I had never told them.
I only did it because I was set to never come back to my old town.
My brother had nothing to do with my unresolved anger or depression. Where do I start? Like the first time, in hospital opening up memories was not what I needed at the time. I felt it was impossoble to bury the hatchet. I was too old then to try and mend things. But if a victim can forgive a perpetrator for sexual assault or other crimes then I can forgive my mum for extreme favouritism. And I need to put my issues in perspective. And It was easier for me to see why David was just trying to be tough than understanding my mums motives for making me feel an inch tall my entire childhood. She told my uncle's family she had a hard life so why did she make mine so difficult? The circle isn't easy to identify when you are inside it. It takes an outsider to save you. There is always suicide. I would have been a good mum if I stayed with Fred. I really would. I would got a therapist. I would have never drunk. I would have taken cooking classes. If I got mad I would say sorry and get them a token.of appreciation. I'd never have been like my mum or my father.

It was my last week and I said to a work colleague: you reminded me of my mum there. But It was in a good way I promise. Sometimes my mum did try. Sometimes.
It made me think that I knew what I had to do. I had to bury the hatchet. As you only get one mum. My friend told me that in high school.
Patience is virtue, my gran always said. Never in a man. It's seldom in a man gran, trust you to change the words. I was going to have to have to be a very patient, patient. A long way to happy.

I got a copy of the Catcher in the Rye. I read it on my way to a competition. It was the first classic I read that I thought I wish I had wrote this.
I had to leave at the time. That wasn't to say I ignored or forgot anything . On the contrary. I never gave up.

I had to come past to let you know I was sorry for the pulling faces incident. And hoodies just need a hug. I added the hoodies bit.
I hadn't been drinking. I just decided I would try and make the boss laugh. You were so sombre with me most of the time.
After my breakdown I think I never went to that supermarket for years.

Hey! What you doing now? Nothing exciting just now. So where are you working? Who are you working for? I'm not working. What you doing then ? What else are you up to? What are you doing if your not working? ...judo I have a job for you. Lucky save. This wasn't long after hospital. I'm not sure I would have tried to get back on the horse so soon if I thought people wouldn't look down on me for taking time out. But you were just being friendly and I was being evasive. You weren't to know. And it was nice that someone was interested in what I was up to.

Maybe my nan doing a psychology class at college was something she had always wanted to because she was planning to retire soon.
I said that she wanted to see if I could be fixed. Or they were just like my parents and would pin the whole blame on me so everyone could be exempt from any guilt. It was just me who was faulty. I didn't need to get away from those who were around me. They wanted to reassure everyone that I was "a bad egg." Case closed. That was my thinking at the time.
I'm sorry for catastraphising. I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But after everything that had happened, I was still too hasty in making that call.

[QUOTE=Balthascar810;6236174]When we were out bowling one time. And we went into town to get food and a taxi. And Fred was wound up from arm wrestling someone. He was drunk and kept telling the man he was cheating and we all thought he was going to leap over the counter and hit the man. My friends decided to walk home. And Fred plucked from the air: we have sex about twice in four months. And he wouldn't quit. I said I don't want to come home with you and he tripped me up and pushed me over on the road. And said if I didnt he would tell my mummy and daddy and I would have a nice holiday in ward four. So I grabbed his phone and almost threw it into a garden centre. At the last minute I gave it back to him. I never fought in public with Fred after that.
ATM you could have been asked to do Jeremy Kyle. My husband was stolen by a teenager who has slept with more men than I have eaten hot dinners. At least I feel some shame and regret. Loudmouth bast^rd.

Sure I had my wild phase. Fred only called me a derogatory term because, sorry to put it bluntly - he had never had sex when sober. He had everything he needed.
So he didn't go out of his way to get a girlfriend. My friend took his phone one night when he nodded off after being on a bender and he was texting other girls while seeing me. And my friend laughed that he was keeping his options open and as a joke texted a girl that he was in bed getting jiggy with me so sling your hook. We were all tipsy. I'm not sure if it was the girl with a slight physical ailment who had a weak side. I only knew because my mum worked with her dad for a short time. And I felt a bit guilty but my friend didn't know her from Adam at the time nor did I till later.
And his aunty and some family members speculated that he was gay. Look at some of the gay characters in soaps- Aaron in Emmerdale and David Platt in Corrie. They were both really violent and got out of control. The twist was the same for them both - they were gay. And his cousins family all watched the soaps and his family too.

Your sister must not have said directly to you that you needed new friends. I stopped speaking to Freds cousin same time as you once I moved home a couple of weeks later. I phoned to ask what she was planning since sixth year was ending. And I got a succinct "fuk off your not my art partner in crime... I will never replace ....and If I can't speak to ...I don't wan't to speak to anyone.." And without you, we all had to go our separate ways.

And losing her best friend - you - was the perfect excuse to turn to drugs. I confronted her at her house when I got wind that her or her mum said I was a high functioning autistic person to Freds family. I was like s^it I'm going of my head just like my mum after I ranted to her. I never had a friend who missed me like that. Honestly I half expected to find her story in the Friday newspaper saying they had jumped in-front of a train because she never got the grades she hoped for either. With two things at once, I was a little concerned about them. When at a party once someone had to coax her down from a high window as she was dangling dangerously from the edge.

If I hadn't went into rehab, I maybe would have gave into temptation and sampled something stronger than alcohol. Maybe Freds cousin would prove to be my gateway to the connections I needed and I would go down a slippery slope after all.

I didn't have much of a cleavage. So being slim and toned. Having a celebrity stomach was something to feel confident about. At college there was a Girl there and she spoke about men giving her trouble when out on town. She spoke like she didn't realise that she was very very pretty. Model tall, and a waist that was thin and went in delicately like a burlesque dancer. She wouldn't have looked out of place in a corset on stage or in a movie set. And she stole everyone's heart in class when she spoke of her experience with an eating disorder. And how she didn't cope too well with the changes our bodies go through in adolescence. And she had no qualms speaking about hospital. I don't think she grew up In this area. I thought she was brave. But It was different for me. I grew up hearing the horror stories of the hospital and I spent my years trying to forget what I had done. To most it was "the funny farm" and not an acute mental health ward in a hospital. My stay belonged in the past and I would bury it so it remained.

They gave me a second chance after my first misdemeanour. Don't over ride, call till supervisor. To be fair I was told that if the price tag on the product was lower than what it rung up, that we were supposed to over ride. I wasn't informed that electrical equipment -being the most expensive products in the whole store- were an exception. And I was cautious before my fall from grace. I pretended that I didn't care but I did. It was Anhedonia and I was nowhere near ready to return to the working world. I didn't want to work on tills serving public when I was at my other job. I put it on my cv that I had more experience than I actually did. So they maybe assumed I should have known that the console was a different kettle of fish. On the memo it stated clearly that it was on offer and exclusive to Wal-Mart so I over rode the computers price. Wrong move. And they could have sacked me on the spot. I knew people who were sacked for being less than £5 short In their till at the end of a day and it could have been the computers that were wrong and not them. I wasn't upset when I never survived the trial. I knew it was just.

Would you like to give my friend a shot?
You should have jumped out of the car.
Phone call. Would you like to be my girl?
So many shades of grey.
He wasn't a bad guy.
I was self-destructive.
This incident wasn't the reason
I had to go into hospital.
My self- destruction put
Me in that vulnerable position,
And eventually I had
A full nervous breakdown
Because of the onset
Of the disorder. And
In an effort to self-medicate
I wasn't helping matters.
The disorder clouded,
My judgement. So add
Copious amounts of alcohol,
A feeling of no self- worth
That would manifest
As suicidal ideation,
Into the fold - poof.
Time to get help.
Was it the untreated disorder
That caused my self destruction?
Or my self destruction that
Brought about the disorder?