[bizi]

Used to take benadryl at night for 2 years then it stopped working.

Wonder if I could take/try that again?
I don't like chamomile tea, I know I am weird. Thanks for the suggestion bobby, glad that it helped you!

I took the regular melatonin and let it dissolve in my mouth which it took forever!!!!! Tonight I am going to chew it into pieces and try to let them dissolve. I pulled out my pill boxes for 2 weeks so I can get the tapering straight. She gave me 15 more pills today with no refills.
I remembered later last night that I used to get restless leg syndrome and the klonipin took that away. Maybe that was a side effect of one of the meds that I take. Will see if it comes back, I hope not.


Kay, I was given the name of the therapist who agreed to see me. I am to call her on monday as she is on vacation this week. I guess I will see what she has to say, apparently there is a non religious AA meeting that she knows about....I am not interested in the 12 steps so will try to go one time and see how it is run. It would be nice to have a sponsor though. Her charge is $120 an hour. She would see me every 2 weeks. Well I can't afford that.

Since jeff has been away...I have gone out.
I don't like to be alone.
Have eaten too much. Drank too much.
I pulled a big bunch of climbing wicked vines out of a bush in the front yard and a couple of wasps came flying out, I must have disturbed them.

What happened to the me that was dieting and going to the gym??????
I am now in the obese category and have a 40 inch waist which is extra hard on your heart.
heavy sigh
bizi

[raspberrytorte]

Hi bizi! I like reading your thread and seeing what you're up to. I don't have any dieting advice as I've gained about ten pounds.

Maybe you could try drinking just once a month and consider it a treat?

[bizi]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Hi bizi! I like reading your thread and seeing what you're up to. I don't have any dieting advice as I've gained about ten pounds.

Maybe you could try drinking just once a month and consider it a treat?

thanks raspberry!
unfortunately I am an alcoholic.
It is either all or nothing for me.
I am calling a substance abuse specialist on monday.
Will see what she has to say.
bizi

[bizi]

just poured 5 beers down the drain.
Yesterday, I had 10-11 lost track. I did not even feel drunk! My tolerance had gotten so high.
Today is day 1.
I call the substance abuse counselor on monday to see if I can start some real therapy with an expert/specialist.
I also weighed myself.
188.3....I am really going to watch my carbs again and lose some of this weight. It is a repeated cycle. I stop drinking then diet and lose some weight then start drinking again and regain all that I lost.
I must break this cycle.
bizi

[bizi]

today is day 1....and I already want to drink. sigh

I won't though.

but my internet time has been out the roof so to speak.
at least I did a little yard work...it is all so overwhelming.
I neglected the yard for so long...it used to be so pretty now it is over grown and awful looking.
sigh
I spoke with a friend of mine she told me of a couple of AA meetings that are non religious. so that is great! It meets twice a week...wed and sat. nites at 6pm.

This friend of mine has been sober for 12 years. She said she would get me a counselors phone number who works with results based therapy.
Sounds good to me.
My psych doctor gave me the name and number of a therapist from an out patient facility that does utilize a 12 step program, which I am not interested in doing.
bizi

[bizi]

I am going to the NAMI support group tonight at 6pm at the lutheran church close by. (They meet the 1st and 3rd sundays of the month).
Maybe I can meet someone there. A few years ago I met a woman and we became fast friends. She moved to missouri to be closer to her dad. We stay in touch thru face book.

I have very few friends


Most people who have a mental health dX, don't drink alcohol I presume.
I met one woman already, I took care of her dads feet, he died about a year ago. We are friendly. For a short time we Would call each other just to chat but then we stopped. It becomes uncomfortable when she doesn't have a car. I tried to get her to go with me to the gym, she was too tired to do that.


The Atheist AA group meeting is on wednesday at 6pm.

I will go there. Wonder how that will go? They rewrote the big book to remove all religious aspects from what I have heard.

Am going to start going to the gym again, to walk on the tred mill.

Jeff came home last night!!! His plane was late, I parked and waited for him at the gate. On the way home we stopped by popeyes, he was starving. I had already had a whopper with extra everything for dinner. It was very good. My first day of my diet/watching what I eat is today. Jeff came home with lots of stories.
They went hiking up a mountain, he is really sore from that. It was a 3.5 mile hike and it took the over 3 hours to make the trip. They climbed over rocks and steep cliffs. He said he had to be really careful.
His heart rate went crazy because of the high altitude. It was hard for him sleeping in the cabin the first night. The cabin is at 8,000 feet elevation, up the side of a mountain. It is basically a small house 500sq feet, 2 bed rooms one bath. His friend Mike has been fixing it up since they bought it 8 years ago. He will be there all summer. His wife and family joined him yesterday.

I missed him and am glad that he is home.
Bizi

[Poiuytl]

Do you know what helps with obesity, Bizi? Try to cut out white flour / wheat flour AND sugar from your diet. No artificial sweeteners either. Most recovering alcoholics go from alcohol to sugar. Sugar is known to be just as addictive and harmful to health as alcohol, maybe even more so.

So I am suggesting to try and address addiction in toto, not just the alcohol part. It won't be harder, but easier on you.

You become a new person. You can eat until your full. There will be less craving, no craving in fact.

You sound like a super nice person, so this is not a crazy suggestion, but a caring one. I would like you to be happy, not sad, with leaving addiction behind.

Exercise of course is also an important part of the new you. Like most alcoholics who have stopped drinking, you will be a wonderful person. The true wonderful you.

[Poiuytl]

Oh yes - magnesium in high doses (i.e. magnesium citrate), taken in the evening, is a powerful and healthy sleep agent (also quite cheap). Try it.

[bizi]

Thank you
I am going to follow a low carb diet during the week,thinking about calories too. I will also throw in an intermittent diet as well for good measure.
So I am really combining 3 diets. Low carb, calorie and Intermittent fasting.
I will also go to the gym and walk on the tred mill.
I already take 1250mg of magnesium to help prevent constipation.
Thanks again for your post!
bizi

[Nammu]

You can do it bizi! There's lots of help out there that don't follow the 12 steps. You got some contacts already and you can expand on those contacts. I hope the NAMI group tonight is helpful.

[bizi]

@Nammu ,
Thank you for your support!
I hope you are having a pleasant sunday!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[bizi]

I went to the support group meeting tonight.
Met a couple of ladies that might be interested in having coffee.
I gave each of them my business card with my phone number.
Maybe one will call me.
It would be nice to make a new friend.
bizi

[bizi]

All I have are my addictions.
Alcohol which I am trying to abstain....day 2 down.
Food (gained 50 pounds in 4 years)

starting low carb dieting again,

which works when I don't drink, I lose weight.
Internet....This is the most addicting activity that I do.
It is where I get support and give support.
Even so, I call it mental masterbation.
It is very satisfying. Instant gratification stuff, limbic stuff.

Take these away and I am a ghost.
I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin...
what does that even mean?

Hey bizi,
I've been reflecting on the same thing myself. Stripped down to the core, who am I? Am I even someone I'd recognize? It can be frightening to see how much we rely on other things to bring us worth or happiness.

I was once told a story about a boy who bought a very expensive pair of shoes, they made him popular and they were a neon green color. He was proud of them and the kids knew him as the boy with neon green shoes. But what happens if someone takes those shoes away -- who he is then? What impact is he to the world? What can he contribute without them? -- a very simplistic example of the concept -- we can't let ourselves be defined by the things that can be taken away. Character is developed internally and can be expressed externally, but never actually taken away. That kid may not have those neon green shoes anymore, but his sense of style and expression is still in there.

I am hopelessly addicted to my computer and internet. It's been my crutch and salvation and outlet for as long as I can remember (I am 28, so I grew up with a computer since I was like 10). I would be somewhat lost without it. It's where all my friends are, my life is written, my hobbies and desires are. Without it, I'd feel empty and incomplete -- but lately I have realized something. The computer isn't what makes me who I am. I express who I am via a computer.. My interests are still there, my hobbies, desires, dreams, skills, etc. Granted, I use this medium to achieve a lot of it and I would struggle without it, but I know when it comes down to it the same stimulation can be achieved elsewhere with the right motivation because the dream didn't die when my tangible object was taken away. I can still study languages (I use ebooks a lot for that), or support those with mental health issues and support me (find a physical meeting group), I can still read books (physical medium), write (pen and paper) -- my point is , there is always an alternative way to express yourself. You are NOT your addiction, you aren't even bound to it, it's just the one way of expression you'd become accustomed.

I hope I'm not falling too far from point here. I also hope I don't overstep my bounds, but I wanted to comment on the alcohol. I have had problems with alcohol (I'm not an alcoholic, but have received a DUI from a terrible night of fighting, drinking to numb the pain and trying to get away from my problems by driving to another town). Alcohol was a release from emotion for me. It's not ideal, but it's the only thing that could make it all melt away for awhile. I understand alcoholism is much more complex than just that. My father is an alcoholic with stage 3 cirrhosis, and he can't stop. The addiction is also physical (but again, I'm getting off point, lol). I needed a way to escape the pain, so I self medicated. There are better methods to do that, and I'm still searching for one that works for me, but anyway, they're all tools to remedy or express yourself.

What I want you to take from this is a thought process I've been having. I would feel empty if you took away those core things I have (including my addictions). I know that I am used to instant gratification, and accessibility to anything and everything. I also know this -- Everything stems from me. I am more than the facets you see.

So, bizi, I see you are compassionate and kind, caring, loving, honest, creative and entertaining. You take away alcohol, you take away the internet, you take away anything you want. I know bizi is STILL all those things and more. It's easy for us to become consumed with our limitations... I try to focus on the limitless possibilities of what we can achieve.

I hope this helps (and didn't sound preachy. lol)

[bizi]

@Brentus

Thank you for your kind note to me.
I really appreciate your support.
You are right, my addictions are a comfort to me.
I am sad to give up alcohol(sorry for your DUI)
Hope you did not hurt anyone.
So many fun things happen when we are drinking. It is very much a drinking city. We have drive thru daiquiri huts here and there are festivals all of the time. And art walk and down town alive.

Festival international, lots of other events..... anyway.
It is deeply steeped in the culture here.

bizi

[Victoria'smom]

If you go to those ask for coke and sip. It's not the same but you can enjoy going out and not drinking. Can you start being DD?

[bizi]

I was designated driver for one new years eve bash out of town/state in INDY with my hubby and friends. It was awful.

Every one was having fun getting trashed.

We were at a restaurant turned disco place.

I don't like driving at night and it was bitter cold that year. I could hardly see and got home safe and sound.
WE have a whole foods bar here. We play trivia and usually drink but I can go there and eat and not drink just keep getting water and they know me so they keep me filled water no ice.
Hubby finally agreed that I am an alcoholic.
Big news!
He bought me a book on alcoholism from an author that he likes. He has been absorbed with nondualism. Different story.
anyway. he likes to drive and he doesn't drink too too much. I am the one with the problem. I can offer to drive this friday night.
Thanks for the suggestion. Never thought to just be the DD for us.
bizi

[bizi]

I asked for the phone number of the lady who led a watercolor class that I saw on face book. My girl friend posted pictures. They were really good.The group knew each other and they had individual pre printed outlines of the still life picture..... I need to ask my friend how it went for her. She did post that it was very hard to do. Water colors are hard to work with, I have painted with them before.

Excited because it is something to do!

My rosacea is still plaguing me. I cover it with this camouflage make up called glo minerals. It was originally obtained from a dermatologist office, I ordered a replacement off of amazon.

I use argon oil to get it off. It has zinc oxide in it so you know that is hard to get off your face.


Diet is going well. Ate 2 cups of smothered chard for lunch and a cup of chicken salad with raisins and apples. It was delicious! For dinner we had steamed brocolli and a pork chop and half an avocado. Jeff is a good cook!
I am drinking coffee in the morning with stevia(minus the creamer) Because I am intermittant fasting to. So lunch is my first meal/calories of the day. We ate around noon so I could have eaten something up to 8 pm but we were finished dinner before 7pm. So no snacking allowed after dinner.
On to my 2nd zevia cola...cream soda is my favorite and is sweetened with stevia so safe to drink, with out the calories. Weighed 185.5 this morning.

tomorrow is the atheist/free thinkers AA meeting. That should be interesting. Maybe there will be women there if it is all men then I am not sure that I will go back. I want to meet other women with whom I can do things with. My friend contacted me about a substance abuse counselor/therapist. I should call her soon......May be I will wait and see how it goes with AA.

I spoke with my twin sister tonight. Gretchen said we needed to call mom more often. I told her that I did not know what to say since we all get each others text messages thru out the day. She said that we are the only people mom talks to besides Dad. She doesn't have any friends. Sad.
Mom has memory issues as do I so it is hard to carry on a conversation.
She has new hearing aides so that helps a lot!It is blue toothed with her phone, so that makes for easier talks.

I have been procrastinating doing billing, just hate it.
Jeff has gone to have a few drinks at his friends house. I told him to call me if he has had too much to drink...we can do the car retrieval in the morning. He said he call if needed.
Thank you for reading, you have been a big part of my support network.

bizi

[bizi]

Started this AF streak June 1st
so today is day 5....feel better stronger. Slept really well last night.
My psych doctor is cutting out my klonipin(tranquilizer) because I drink, so goes a slowish taper. It is only .5mg so I think I can do this.
I have been on this for so many years...so don't know how I will do with this taper off.
Wish me luck!
bizi

[bizi]

I went to the AA meeting tonight and it was good.
I now have a sponsor. I like her. I will call her tomorrow and set up a meeting.
She is old enough to be my mother but that is fine.

I asked her if she knew about non dualism and she did. She has a degree in theology. I hope she doesn't try to convert me.....This is an atheist AA group and free thinkers and agnostics. I wonder if she will get me a book to read and if it is different from the "big book"?
The 12 steps have been reworded to take out all references to God or a higher power.

We have had a lot of rain and more is expected the rest of the week and over the week end.

I think I am ready to get better.
bizi