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Unhappy Dec 21, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #1
My anxiety and mood have been particularly bad lately . some of the causes I can’t do much about Believe me, I’ve tried

I sometimes feel like I get on the wrong side of people, in particular people who I feel are using a group of people for their own self aggrandisation (sp)

There has been something of a “trail of destruction” in my wake due to this

Often I just passively take the beating these people dish out

Other times I feel so hurt and angry by what feels like cruel manipulation and often exclusion that I react. And then inevitably, I am judged as “a bad person” and/or discarded.

I also have a hard time knowing how best to deal with people who show a lack of empathy but show a lot of empathy and thought towards others

I suppose this hurts so much because of my “disturbed childhood”

Any kind thoughts and insights are much appreciated.

I feel like I’m running out of reasons to stay on this planet
I feel like much more cruelty or scary things might blow me away (it’s as if this whole world screams too loudly for me

Maybe I’m “just too weak for this world” as humans are after all about survival, and as all my abusers have pointed out, I’m not the most “useful” individual in the world

respect to all, thanks for reading and please be kind

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Heart Dec 21, 2019 at 10:43 AM
  #2
Hi Fuzzy!

I am very, very hopeful for you!
I am especially hopeful and honored that you'd open up to us. I feel your opening up and sharing like this will help us to better know you so we can help. Your opening up will also help you to get to know yourself better, as well.

Sharing might make you feel more vulnerable, which can be scary. It's sometimes even more scary when on the internet. You and I have talked about some forums feeling much safer than others, albeit not perfect. It is wise to choose to share these deeper issues in the forum(s) where you do feel saf(er).

I am sorry you have been feeling more anxious and more irritable lately.
Maybe we can help you to sort this out? There can be many reasons why there might be an increase in these two symptoms.

I am sorry, too, about any cruelty/abuse you have endured as a child.

Often, when a person has suffered at the hands of others at a young age, especially in an ongoing manner, one might become highly sensitive and/or hypervigilant about sensing others might be offended . We can suffer very low self-esteem because of how we have been treated , including what we have been told by our abusers. These are some of the things in our lives that might cause us to be possibly overly concerned about people disapproving our actions, our shared ideas, and everything about us, in general.

I believe you are likely a very sensitive person. There are times when being sensitive might cause us more pain; but there are also times when being sensitive and caring toward others is truly a wonderful attribute and helps to light up the world! I can tell you that you offer a great deal of love, support and compassion to this community. I know I am grateful to you.

I am glad you are sharing and are reaching out! Both are signs of personal growth.
I know I enjoy getting to know you better through your sharing.

I am sorry you are feeling sad and overwhelmed right now.
What helps to get through times like this?

I care very much about you. Please do let me know if ?I can help in any way!

Much Love to You!

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 11:47 AM
  #3
Thanks so much Wild Coyote for your kind and insightful support

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Coyote View Post
Hi Fuzzy!

I am very, very hopeful for you!
I am especially hopeful and honored that you'd open up to us. I feel your opening up and sharing like this will help us to better know you so we can help. Your opening up will also help you to get to know yourself better, as well.

Sharing might make you feel more vulnerable, which can be scary. It's sometimes even more scary when on the internet. You and I have talked about some forums feeling much safer than others, albeit not perfect. It is wise to choose to share these deeper issues in the forum(s) where you do feel saf(er).

I am sorry you have been feeling more anxious and more irritable lately.
Maybe we can help you to sort this out? There can be many reasons why there might be an increase in these two symptoms.

I am sorry, too, about any cruelty/abuse you have endured as a child.

Often, when a person has suffered at the hands of others at a young age, especially in an ongoing manner, one might become highly sensitive and/or hypervigilant about sensing others might be offended . We can suffer very low self-esteem because of how we have been treated , including what we have been told by our abusers. These are some of the things in our lives that might cause us to be possibly overly concerned about people disapproving our actions, our shared ideas, and everything about us, in general.

I believe you are likely a very sensitive person. There are times when being sensitive might cause us more pain; but there are also times when being sensitive and caring toward others is truly a wonderful attribute and helps to light up the world! I can tell you that you offer a great deal of love, support and compassion to this community. I know I am grateful to you.

I am glad you are sharing and are reaching out! Both are signs of personal growth.
I know I enjoy getting to know you better through your sharing.

I am sorry you are feeling sad and overwhelmed right now.
What helps to get through times like this?

I care very much about you. Please do let me know if ?I can help in any way!

Much Love to You!

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #4
You mentioned here a couple of self defeating beliefs. My best advice would be to address those. You often post about how others are controlling your experience. You are in control. Take back your power.

You are useful and you have infinite potential. You are what you choose to be in each moment. You are not your past and you are not whatever others have judged you to be. You are what you believe you are. Your beliefs define the present.

You cannot control others. You can only control yourself. You can control whether or not you are adding to your feelings of abuse by breaking yourself down. Do not contribute to the problem you wish to resolve through self abuse. You can control whether or not you walk with confidence and pride of if you carry shame, a victim mentality or whatever.

Bullies often select what they perceive to be easy targets. This is an unfortuante truth as nobody deserves abuse. Ever. However, bullies carry tremendous fear and they seek the weak as a result. They do not target the strong because they fear the resistance they will encounter. They fear being exposed.

You don't have to be a bad person to stand up for yourself. There is a difference between strong and mean. You are not mean. You are not cruel. You are a bear and bears can be strong. Bears have every right to stand up and growl when they need to.

Maybe consider planting beliefs for yourself that you are strong and kind. The two compliment each other beautifully. Plant beliefs that you are useful and worthy. Plant beliefs that you can be of service and that others can offer you the same kindness. Plant beliefs that abuse may have been your past, but it will not be your present. Plant beliefs that you have every right to experience the best humanity has to offer. Walk tall with beliefs like that. Growl when you need to growl, but do it with the love and grace of a teddy bear. A fuzzy bear.

I am a very firm believer that change comes from within. Shift yourself and the world shifts around you. Our beliefs limit our perception and experiences. Start there. There will still be abusers out there. There will still those that misuse their power. Their affect on you will lessen though over time if it is your belief that they have nothing else they can take from you. When you stay focused on yourself and just be the very best you can be, you have the power. You can grow and grow that way. Sometimes they will steal. Sometimes they will strike. Sometimes they will knock you down. It doesn't matter if you know who you are and you love yourself. You will rise every time.
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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 02:37 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear
Often I just passively take the beating these people dish out
Other times...I react.
Where or what is the critical threshold?
Can you discern what it is that moves your from passivity to active response?
It is possible – not certain – answering this could lead to important insights.

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #6
Thanks for your post. I particularly find the part about bullies interesting... it’s a common “truth” that they select “the weak” but I do not completely agree since most people I have known, including myself, are a more complicated mixture of “strong” and “weak”..

It is my belief, that bullies usually enjoy targeting those who have some gifts or qualities they Secretly Envy... and perhaps not only secretly, but unconsciously....perhaps they envy someone’s genuine care about others and empathy... their ability to form genuine human bonds despite their struggles... Although I realise not all bullies are like that. It is in itself a very complex issue. Why do people bully and why do some continue to bully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
You mentioned here a couple of self defeating beliefs. My best advice would be to address those. You often post about how others are controlling your experience. You are in control. Take back your power.

You are useful and you have infinite potential. You are what you choose to be in each moment. You are not your past and you are not whatever others have judged you to be. You are what you believe you are. Your beliefs define the present.

You cannot control others. You can only control yourself. You can control whether or not you are adding to your feelings of abuse by breaking yourself down. Do not contribute to the problem you wish to resolve through self abuse. You can control whether or not you walk with confidence and pride of if you carry shame, a victim mentality or whatever.

Bullies often select what they perceive to be easy targets. This is an unfortuante truth as nobody deserves abuse. Ever. However, bullies carry tremendous fear and they seek the weak as a result. They do not target the strong because they fear the resistance they will encounter. They fear being exposed.

You don't have to be a bad person to stand up for yourself. There is a difference between strong and mean. You are not mean. You are not cruel. You are a bear and bears can be strong. Bears have every right to stand up and growl when they need to.

Maybe consider planting beliefs for yourself that you are strong and kind. The two compliment each other beautifully. Plant beliefs that you are useful and worthy. Plant beliefs that you can be of service and that others can offer you the same kindness. Plant beliefs that abuse may have been your past, but it will not be your present. Plant beliefs that you have every right to experience the best humanity has to offer. Walk tall with beliefs like that. Growl when you need to growl, but do it with the love and grace of a teddy bear. A fuzzy bear.

I am a very firm believer that change comes from within. Shift yourself and the world shifts around you. Our beliefs limit our perception and experiences. Start there. There will still be abusers out there. There will still those that misuse their power. Their affect on you will lessen though over time if it is your belief that they have nothing else they can take from you. When you stay focused on yourself and just be the very best you can be, you have the power. You can grow and grow that way. Sometimes they will steal. Sometimes they will strike. Sometimes they will knock you down. It doesn't matter if you know who you are and you love yourself. You will rise every time.

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 02:48 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohag View Post
Where or what is the critical threshold?
Can you discern what it is that moves your from passivity to active response?
It is possible – not certain – answering this could lead to important insights.
Thanks Rohag, maybe there is a key for me in the answer to your question

I am probably not a “classic stereotypical person with a victim mentality”... since I have been known to fight back...... (Doncha loaave those labels .... So again I am a more tasty feed/target for some. A bit more potentially interesting than someone who completely and more easily fits some stereotypical “profile.”...For example, most have found me “pretty” to look at... so I was used by some men . Also I have never been “completely boring” whatever that means... or the bullies would likely have “moved on” before they had done so much harm.. and how to “move away” from the prolification (is that a word ) of bullies in this world... I am not sure. But certainly have some “self belief” and knowing their toxic words are nothing but LIES does help somewhat

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:10 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Thanks for your post. I particularly find the part about bullies interesting... it’s a common “truth” that they select “the weak” but I do not completely agree since most people I have known, including myself, are a more complicated mixture of “strong” and “weak”..

It is my belief, that bullies usually enjoy targeting those who have some gifts or qualities they Secretly Envy... and perhaps not only secretly, but unconsciously....perhaps they envy someone’s genuine care about others and empathy... their ability to form genuine human bonds despite their struggles... Although I realise not all bullies are like that. It is in itself a very complex issue. Why do people bully and why do some continue to bully.
I can agree with all of that. Yes, it is complex. victims of bullies are actually in fact often infinitely stronger. The reasons the abuse occurs are also incredibly complex. Thank you for pointing out this important distinction. It is why I said the selection is due to their perception of weakness. Their perception does not define reality. Jealousy is a powerful motivator and I think your thoughts there are spot on in many cases.

I think the important part is knowing your strong qualities and renewing them no matter how many times a bully seeks to extinguish it. It is also important to disallow the behavior to continue.

You have many amazing qualities. Your instinct on the why in your case is much more apt to be accurate than mine.
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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:21 PM
  #9
I am sorry you are feeling like this. I think sometimes things can feel like salt on a wound if we've had bad experiences, and then someone is again hurtful to us. I had experiences with being excluded and made fun of growing up, and could never understand what was "wrong" with me. I also experienced some bullying in the workplace. As a result, for awhile I was very guarded and easily hurt whenever someone said something mean or excluded me, because it brought back all those memories and a feeling of "what do I always do wrong?" I found that I had to work through some of that and realize I was holding on to a distorted view of myself, and assumptions about how others saw me. I also think I allowed people to treat me poorly as a result of low self worth and didn't stand up for myself. I hope you are able to find people who treat you how you deserve to be treated. Also, maybe talking through what's going on with a therapist would be helpful to process some of the emotions and see if there's any insight they can give you into the situation?
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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:22 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
I can agree with all of that. Yes, it is complex. victims of bullies are actually in fact often infinitely stronger. The reasons the abuse occurs are also incredibly complex. Thank you for pointing out this important distinction. It is why I said the selection is due to their perception of weakness. Their perception does not define reality. Jealousy is a powerful motivator and I think your thoughts there are spot on in many cases.

I think the important part is knowing your strong qualities and renewing them no matter how many times a bully seeks to extinguish it. It is also important to disallow the behavior to continue.

You have many amazing qualities. Your instinct on the why in your case is much more apt to be accurate than mine.
Thanks, I agree, thanks for posting and sharing your insights

Where I often used to fall down was in not disallowing the behaviour to continue early enough,... as in not spotting obvious but often quite “cleverly concealed” red flags early enough... not dumping them before they dumped me or continued to insult me or ... etc

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:24 PM
  #11
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I am sorry you are feeling like this. I think sometimes things can feel like salt on a wound if we've had bad experiences, and then someone is again hurtful to us. I had experiences with being excluded and made fun of growing up, and could never understand what was "wrong" with me. I also experienced some bullying in the workplace. As a result, for awhile I was very guarded and easily hurt whenever someone said something mean or excluded me, because it brought back all those memories and a feeling of "what do I always do wrong?" I found that I had to work through some of that and realize I was holding on to a distorted view of myself, and assumptions about how others saw me. I also think I allowed people to treat me poorly as a result of low self worth and didn't stand up for myself. I hope you are able to find people who treat you how you deserve to be treated. Also, maybe talking through what's going on with a therapist would be helpful to process some of the emotions and see if there's any insight they can give you into the situation?
Thank you, this is helpful to me

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:35 PM
  #12
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Thanks, I agree, thanks for posting and sharing your insights

Where I often used to fall down was in not disallowing the behaviour to continue early enough,... as in not spotting obvious but often quite “cleverly concealed” red flags early enough... not dumping them before they dumped me or continued to insult me or ... etc
I have fallen prey to those same tricks before. I will again. I think anyone with a good heart probably has. Fool me twice...shame on me I guess, but sometimes I want to believe in the good that is also within them. My mother always says 'when people show you who they really are, look!'. I see wisdom in that, but I also hold hope for better in the future even when people make bad choices. I have done some rotten things in my time and I appreciate the forgiveness others have shown. It is a slippery slope. These are certainly difficult waters to navigate.
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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #13
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.....

It is my belief, that bullies usually enjoy targeting those who have some gifts or qualities they Secretly Envy... and perhaps not only secretly, but unconsciously.....

Oh, after being bullied for many, many years I have learned what you've posted ^^^ to be the absolute truth!

Hugs to you, Fuzzy.

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #14
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I have fallen prey to those same tricks before. I will again. I think anyone with a good heart probably has. Fool me twice...shame on me I guess, but sometimes I want to believe in the good that is also within them. My mother always says 'when people show you who they really are, look!'. I see wisdom in that, but I also hold hope for better in the future even when people make bad choices. I have done some rotten things in my time and I appreciate the forgiveness others have shown. It is a slippery slope. These are certainly difficult waters to navigate.
I agree, I too have done some things that I realise now were “wrong” and I guess the fact they were a reaction to being abused does not totally “excuse” them. I too always appreciate forgiveness when offered and also when I apologise my apology is always genuine. I have had a genuine apology thrown in my face by more than one person though which can be quite scary. (not anyone here)

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Heart Dec 21, 2019 at 03:41 PM
  #15
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Thanks for your post. I particularly find the part about bullies interesting... it’s a common “truth” that they select “the weak” but I do not completely agree since most people I have known, including myself, are a more complicated mixture of “strong” and “weak”..

It is my belief, that bullies usually enjoy targeting those who have some gifts or qualities they Secretly Envy... and perhaps not only secretly, but unconsciously....perhaps they envy someone’s genuine care about others and empathy... their ability to form genuine human bonds despite their struggles... Although I realise not all bullies are like that. It is in itself a very complex issue. Why do people bully and why do some continue to bully.
Very well said. I also think it is complicated. I think the motivations are varied and "interesting." I have seen all kinds of people targeted by a variety of bullies and for a variety of reasons. I have been occasionally attacked here and more recently "frequently" attacked. While I am kind, I am far from "weak."

Repeatedly targeting someone is harassment. Harassment is against the community rules here. It is important people also realize that harassment on the internet is a federal crime. These two facts might encourage bullies to reconsider their behaviors. I hope so.

Interesting and helpful points mentioned by fern, as well.

Thanks, Fuzzy!!!

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:42 PM
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Oh, after being bullied for many, many years I have learned what you've posted ^^^ to be the absolute truth!

Hugs to you, Fuzzy.
Thanks BethRags, hugs to you

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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:45 PM
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Very well said. I also think it is complicated. I think the motivations are varied and "interesting." I have seen all kinds of people targeted by a variety of bullies and for a variety of reasons. I have been occasionally attacked here and more recently "frequently" attacked. While I am kind, I am far from "weak."

Repeatedly targeting someone is harassment. Harassment is against the community rules here. It is important people also realize that harassment on the internet is a federal crime. These two facts might encourage bullies to reconsider their behaviors. I hope so.

Interesting and helpful points mentioned by fern, as well.

Thanks, Fuzzy!!!
Thanks for sharing Wild Coyote

I completely agree with you, while you are kind you are far from “weak”

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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 03:42 PM
  #18
Why do abusers always tell us we are “selfish” when we do not simply passively take their beatings, verbal insults and violations, and manipulative tricks. when we are triggered into reacting to their assaults and insults. Because they are abusive and Utterly Selfish
(not anyone here)

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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 04:04 PM
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Why do abusers always tell us we are “selfish” when we do not simply passively take their beatings, verbal insults and violations, and manipulative tricks. when we are triggered into reacting to their assaults and insults. Because they are abusive and Utterly Selfish
(not anyone here)
Because life reflects back to them what they project onto you.
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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 04:34 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Why do abusers always tell us we are “selfish” when we do not simply passively take their beatings, verbal insults and violations, and manipulative tricks. when we are triggered into reacting to their assaults and insults. Because they are abusive and Utterly Selfish
(not anyone here)
When I started to stand up for myself,I was called selfish and what not.So sorry fuzzy you too went through that.
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Fuzzybear, Wild Coyote
 
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Fuzzybear, Wild Coyote
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