[Wander]

The peace has left me. I want to destroy myself. I am overwhelmed. I can’t cope yet I don’t want help. F******* weekend anyway so no T or pdoc. What can they do? My heart is broken. Don’t want to ask parents for help as they will panic. I guess I’m embarrassed too. I don’t think it’s an episode but it is intense enough to be very worried if I don’t calm down.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I feel like I’m not mentally ill. I feel like my episodes and experiences have been spiritual encounters. When I said ‘let go of the meds’ I actually meant letting go of control by taking them when I am scared of them, when I believe they are causing harm. My pdoc, t, IOP leader, and husband all told me I’ll go to the hospital if I stop taking my meds because of my current “delusional thinking”. I honestly haven’t doubted my illness for years but now, I just see so many miracles and can recognize the enormous power of the Holy Spirit inside me.

I'm glad you have all these people supporting you. It's pretty common in psychotic illnesses for people to go through periods where they don't believe their diagnosis or need to take medication. That's part of what makes treating these illnesses long term so difficult.

I was just wondering why the experiences you have had can't be both intensely spiritual encounters and also symptoms of mental illness. Is it necessarily either/or?

It's a nice day today. I did a lot of prep for my turkey dinner yesterday, so today should be easy. I also straighten up yesterday. All I'll need to do is clean up the kitchen while the turkey roasts. The bed needs to be made and a laundry basket of clean clothes put away. Maybe hubby will help with the kitchen. We're going to have turkey up the wazoo. Dad and bro will get plenty of leftovers to take home, but I'll still have too much. It's an 18.5 lb turkey.

On Monday I have my annual physical at my GP's office. At least some of my blood work will likely suck, especially my cholesterol. It's been a while that I've had high cholesterol. Diet and exercise are not happening. I'm going to ask for the statin. Maybe that may even be a motivator for me to improve the diet/exercise.

[wildflowerchild25]

It’s getting harder to walk around. My left leg and foot is worse than my right. My left foot doesn’t lift up all the way. I’m considering getting a cane to balance myself. I’m worried about falling. I already ordered a shower chair, a grab bar, and a set of grabbers for myself.

I’m worried that I will be permanently disabled. I don’t want to be permanently disabled at 32. I want to be able to walk and play with my son. I’m hoping and praying that surgery will help. I am nervous about seeing my dr on Monday. I’m afraid he won’t refer me to surgery yet again even though I don’t think any injections are going to help with the numbness and tingling. That alongside the pain is what makes it so difficult to get around.

It’s a gorgeous day outside and I wish I could go out and enjoy it but I can’t. I might go out and sit in the driveway at least.

I am just scared. I’m terrified of surgery but I have no choice, I’m more terrified of being disabled for the rest of my life.

I just want answers. At least the spasms have stopped.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

It’s getting harder to walk around. My left leg and foot is worse than my right. My left foot doesn’t lift up all the way. I’m considering getting a cane to balance myself. I’m worried about falling. I already ordered a shower chair, a grab bar, and a set of grabbers for myself.

I’m worried that I will be permanently disabled. I don’t want to be permanently disabled at 32. I want to be able to walk and play with my son. I’m hoping and praying that surgery will help. I am nervous about seeing my dr on Monday. I’m afraid he won’t refer me to surgery yet again even though I don’t think any injections are going to help with the numbness and tingling. That alongside the pain is what makes it so difficult to get around.

It’s a gorgeous day outside and I wish I could go out and enjoy it but I can’t. I might go out and sit in the driveway at least.

I am just scared. I’m terrified of surgery but I have no choice, I’m more terrified of being disabled for the rest of my life.

I just want answers. At least the spasms have stopped.

I’m sorry you are suffering with this. If your doctor won’t refer you to surgery to resolve it and the injections aren’t getting it done...what do you think about getting a second opinion?

[Sunflower123]

Having a pretty good day. Leisurely cleaning house while watching a Monk marathon. Going out to Costco for groceries and Belk for some yellow box flip flops. I love that brand! They last forever and I get lots of compliments. Here in Tennessee with me being hot natured, I wear them practically year round even though I sometimes get strange looks. I have a friend who works there and gets them at a 20% discount.

When I went to visit my daughter it wasn’t a happy, feel good kind of visit. I went up there to line up resources for her and to see that she gets help (she did everything I asked). We’ve always been so close and she is usually a thoughtful, caring person but she has deteriorated with the depression. I felt unwelcome, unappreciated and uncared for. It’s like I lost my daughter and best friend.

Since then I have researched therapists who specialize in mood disorders, anxiety disorders and the grief process. I’m going to work through my feelings so I can be there for her while not getting dragged down by her behavior. I’m also going to start building up other areas of my life.

Thanks for letting me get that out. I’ve been hurting since that trip.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend and hugs to all who need them.

.

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Also, thank you so much! I am finding it increasingly hard to let go of things like the meds but I am really trying to have faith.

Please don't let go of the meds. It's not about faith.
Worried about you.

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Having a pretty good day. Leisurely cleaning house while watching a Monk marathon. Going out to Costco for groceries and Belk for some yellow box flip flops. I love that brand! They last forever and I get lots of compliments. Here in Tennessee with me being hot natured, I wear them practically year round even though I sometimes get strange looks. I have a friend who works there and gets them at a 20% discount.

When I went to see my daughter the other day, it wasn’t a happy, feel good kind of visit. It was me going up there to line up resources and getting her to agree to get help (she did everything I asked). She is usually such a loving, thoughtful person but she has deteriorated with the depression. I felt unwelcome, unappreciated and uncared for. I did what I strongly felt was necessary as a parent although I was heart broken at how I was received. We’ve always been so close. It felt like I lost a daughter and a friend.

I’ve researched therapists since then who specialize in mood disorders, anxiety disorders and the grief process and I’m going to make an appointment to start working through my feelings so I can A) be there for her and B) not get dragged down in the meantime by her behavior and C) work on building up other areas of my life.

Thanks for letting me get that out. I’ve been hurting since that trip.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend and hugs to all who need them.

.

Good for you in looking after your own self-care! I'm so sorry you've been hurting. It's hard when someone we love gets seriously depressed.

[pirilin]

Everything is fine.
Except that I had to remove the new master bath faucets.
They are not of her liking. Just because they're over a foot tall.
Who has foot tall faucets in the master bath?.
There. That's what I like 'em. And they cascade.
However, I recon they look like some fireman equipment.
You win some...... I'm still removing caulking.

Cheers.

Today is grocery shopping day. I hope I have the courage to not pick up soda. I drink a lot , and I mean A LOT of soda. I'm almost ashamed of it, but I'm cutting it out because of some weight gain. It's better for my health in general anyway.


Other than that -- I'm not feeling as elated as a week ago, I think that feeling is passing. It kind of makes me sad, because I'm afraid I may be headed back into my depression. It was nice while it lasted -- maybe I'll even out with the meds I have now and just feel OK. One can only hope.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I'm glad you have all these people supporting you. It's pretty common in psychotic illnesses for people to go through periods where they don't believe their diagnosis or need to take medication. That's part of what makes treating these illnesses long term so difficult.

I was just wondering why the experiences you have had can't be both intensely spiritual encounters and also symptoms of mental illness. Is it necessarily either/or?

My t shared the same question. I don’t have the best answer except to say there is such a HUGE divide in my beliefs and behaviors between when I am “well” and “unwell” that my very salvation is on the line.

[yellow_fleurs]

I stayed up too late, then woke up feeling weird so decided to go back to sleep. I do not like sleeping away the day, but I have become more self aware of when my thinking and brain just feel off, and sleep usually helps with that. I do feel better now that I slept more.
Got some breakfast at 2 pm (not before spilling old coffee all over the kitchen floor, but at least it wasn't the white carpet haha). Now going to finish up this paper once and for all. It will be a relief to get it done.
I am pretty sure my feeling kind of paranoid of people is not a true paranoia or psychosis thing and more of an anxiety type thing. Hard to be sure, but it seems self limiting if that makes sense, and it follows the theme of the obsessive thoughts I have about myself that might be OCD. Like a fear of what if I did something that could harm someone? gets projected onto others into what if they did something to harm someone? Wish I could get outside of my brain and see what's really going on. I feel both totally "fine" and not really fine at the same time. I hope I learn to be more self aware with time an learn what is going on in my brain.

[yellow_fleurs]

Brentus do you like seltzer? That can be a good alternative to soda if you get ones with flavors or infuse with fruit or add a splash of fruit juice. Just an idea

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Brentus do you like seltzer? That can be a good alternative to soda if you get ones with flavors or infuse with fruit or add a splash of fruit juice. Just an idea

That's a good idea ! I didn't think of that!

[Faltering]

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. I've been doing great! My mood and anxiety didn't really start improving until I started a thyroid medication in addition to Latuda. I wonder if that was the key for me. I like how my pdoc thinks outside of the box.

Originally Posted by Faltering

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. I've been doing great! My mood and anxiety didn't really start improving until I started a thyroid medication in addition to Latuda. I wonder if that was the key for me. I like how my pdoc thinks outside of the box.

I'm glad to hear your mood is improving! That's great news. Congats!

[Unrigged64072835]

Hope things are going well, and lots of love if they aren’t.

Couldn’t sleep last night. CPAP mask broke and I had to fix it in the dark. Then my brain was going off like one of those people at a party that kept on talking loudly even though I was more than ready to sleep. So I’m dragging now. Good thing was i used that energy for making a test garment and actually solved a couple of issues. Hopefully finish that tomorrow before cleaning and laundry. If I don’t sleep tonight I’ll call the clinic and hope I don’t get the pdoc who’s a jerk.

Night...

I restarted my Wellbutrin today. So far, nothing. My first reaction to it was immediate. It's not going to work. I know it. Been lying around all day except for taking my dog for a walk. Can't tolerate TV, music, Scrabble, nothing. Glad i don't have any demands. If i want to lie around til kingdom come i can. Wasting my life tho. Whatever. Feel weak and helpless.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I restarted my Wellbutrin today. So far, nothing. My first reaction to it was immediate. It's not going to work. I know it. Been lying around all day except for taking my dog for a walk. Can't tolerate TV, music, Scrabble, nothing. Glad i don't have any demands. If i want to lie around til kingdom come i can. Wasting my life tho. Whatever. Feel weak and helpless.

I hope it ends up working for you or you find something else that does.

Sometimes it just takes a little while to kick in especially when restarting a medicine. I think it's somewhat common when restarting a psych medicine that the effects are dulled or blunted in the beginning before taking real effect. I wish you the best of luck with your medicine!