[JanusunaJ]

I'm not really sure where to start. The past 18 months have been grueling after I've gone on multiple-round job interview after job interview. I thought I'd finally won back in Feb2018. I got a job offer -- it wasn't a dream job, but it was close enough. But, 4 months later they shutter their U.S. office, and I have been looking for work since.

It's been exhausting to say the least. I'd surmise for every other interview or month, I'd fall into these deep depressions, and be virtually crippled with anxiety. But, I made myself get up, fill out applications, and prepare for interviews. I always made it to the final round, but was never quite good enough to be the best.

It's disheartening really. I spent everything I had on this enterprise. I was once working on a project that overlapped with my career goal, and I actually found myself intrigued/happy with something again -- I'd been looking since early 2018 for a hobby, and had found nothing. I thought for sure this would be my thing: converting a childhood hobby into a profession like so many other people do. I'd been interviewing for statistical programming positions.

But, it feels like my life has been just as described in Conrad's Youth where that ship is battered and beaten, never really quite makes its way; and it's one horror show after another, from sinking to a massive fire and explosion. They eventually make it to their destination...without the ship.

That's what my life feels like. And the only future that I now see is one of a continued existence of that. Seeing a psychiatrist; have them go through every combination of meds and not have them work; try TMS for it to not work again; try ECT for it to not work again. Tell a hostpital psychiatrist every option I've tried -- the different medications, doses, alternative treatments. Ask him what I'm supposed to do. Have him say "I don't know" as he's walking away. Repeating all of that while still trying to just get a job to keep the lights on and eat because the opportunity for work here is abysmal. Experiencing the malnutrition take its insoluble effect, and poverty too. Maybe recovering enough to try again; but then I'll be competing for entry level work with recent college graduates.

I used to think I had a chance. Kind of like in Mr. Robot when Elliot decides what he wants to fight for and you see him with his friends, old friends and new,all all happy at dinner; his sister being proposed to; everyone he cares about being happy, and him a part of it.

Now, when I look to the future, I see just black emptiness.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by JanusunaJ

It's disheartening really. I spent everything I had on this enterprise. I was once working on a project that overlapped with my career goal, and I actually found myself intrigued/happy with something again -- I'd been looking since early 2018 for a hobby, and had found nothing. I thought for sure this would be my thing: converting a childhood hobby into a profession like so many other people do. I'd been interviewing for statistical programming positions.

What was the enterprise if you dont mind me asking?

That's what my life feels like. And the only future that I now see is one of a continued existence of that. Seeing a psychiatrist; have them go through every combination of meds and not have them work; try TMS for it to not work again; try ECT for it to not work again. Tell a hostpital psychiatrist every option I've tried -- the different medications, doses, alternative treatments. Ask him what I'm supposed to do. Have him say "I don't know" as he's walking away. Repeating all of that while still trying to just get a job to keep the lights on and eat because the opportunity for work here is abysmal. Experiencing the malnutrition take its insoluble effect, and poverty too. Maybe recovering enough to try again; but then I'll be competing for entry level work with recent college graduates.

I am curious..have you tried any university hospitals and research centers? I am not trying to throw out a suggestion that you have already tried I just refuse to believe you are a lost cause.
[quote]

Now, when I look to the future, I see just black emptiness.

I really do believe in hope. I do not think you are hopeless and insignificant.

[JanusunaJ]

What was the enterprise if you dont mind me asking?

I was trying to get my foot in the door to a career in SAS/statistical programming. I did actually, surprisingly gain entry. But, the company closed its U.S. doors shortly after my hire. I've not since been about to create that luck again.

I am curious..have you tried any university hospitals and research centers? I am not trying to throw out a suggestion that you have already tried I just refuse to believe you are a lost cause.

I really do believe in hope. I do not think you are hopeless and insignificant.