Any one else have these sort of thoughts... others wanting you to hurt yourself

It was only a question.. never mind

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Aw. Its alright. You can talk if you end up wanting to again. Its ok

I've had people, family even, say they wished I had killed myself after an attempt.

((SorryShaped)) - I am so sorry that any one has ever said that to you. It is so wrong...

Under*Over thank you, I am sorry.

I can try this again, I don't want to be told what to do... right now I am trying to understand.

Today, after I caught my thoughts--
I realized that I was having beliefs and suspicions that some irl people- want me to commit suicide- that they want me to do it- and they have communicated this in a non-verbal way, as it is communicated by "it's why they do what they do". At times, I have thoughts that everyone at times are involved with the plot and it makes sense, and I try very desperately say it's not so. And yes, a part of me says- "Sure you can lie to yourself, but it's true".

Coupled with that, there has been thoughts at times "signs" that add up in my life- that I should go through with it. go home ... I can't recall right now, but a week or a few days ago, or last weekend I felt like I needed to go "home". Home is not here, home is my energy going to a peaceful place some where "out there" but it is peace. i told myself, I am quitting smoking, and that I knew already I would get moody.

Today I caught my thoughts --- and I wondered-- does other people with bipolar relate? does any one understand? Does THAT sound Bipolar? because I just don't know any more right now.

I have wrote this so many times, but I realize not everyone knows my user name.
I have seen professionals, I get my dx's which is more than one (Coexisting diagnosis of ptsd, bipolar, and traits or just also BPD).
As I got older, I wondered about ADHD but get told no on that...

I get confused, I argue at times that I am not bipolar, I am afraid of taking the meds... I am afraid I am not bipolar and I will damage my brain even more than what it is already. (and I don't make any sense if I tell this whole story but don't want to rn).

-- I wanted to reach out to inquire to others that understand that they are bipolar, that have accepted it-- if any related... I guess I just want to understand, and if any can help me with understanding.

While I understand we are all different, and One's bipolar would not look like another's bipolar, etc.. and I understand, PC is not a diagnosing tool--
however, my thoughts right now are - while the pdocs and therapists are trained, they are only yet human themselves. ... I want to reach out to others with the struggle to inquire...

I have been having a hard time the last three weeks, tomorrow is day 21 (3 weeks) that I have not smoked a cig... I told myself, don't relapse get through this and stay quit-- but I also can not deny, I relapsed so much and I am beginning to really wonder-- was first bipolar t right that I use cigs for self medicating?

I found a note in early January before I put on the patch and was still smoking, that I did feel I had no purpose,-- I recall that at times I felt hopefully hopeless too.. it is hard to explain. I always seem to be bouncy though, and that does not make sense to me

Then i went to ok, then motivated to stop smoking because I have something to live for (right) later in the month of January....

First week I was ok enough- I felt good- it was a good start that week, so much to loo forward to...,

second week hostile thoughts and so many thoughts... i started a thread in that area, I forget now specifics.

last weekend I think-- started with some sui thoughts and my "home" thoughts... this week- I have been a ****ing bouncy ball- "no care, with laughing and everything is grand", to I could fight with any one, to I am ok and here, to depressive thoughts, I cried a few times today too. moments that I feel I am not real or this life is not real-- or it's - different and hard to explain. which I believe fits the rapid cycling... i think?

I don't want to say this, but I did tell myself I wrote it down-- don't relapse on cigs, if I struggled so much to go in see a therapist again.. more than once I have taken the med bottles from the last pdoc out and thought about start taking the pills... I saw that pdoc in Nov/Dec of 2017 i think, so the pills are a year old.. right? that's no good.. but the point here is-- I am struggling to the point that I am thinking of taking them.. and yet I am still very unsure.

My ex-- my friend.. he is my only family. -- he reached out to me earlier tonight, as I was isolating myself ... even when he came over, I almost did not let him in. I have felt very off today. I have been sharing with him my struggles lately, as he is my only family.. even if he is my ex and we live in different apartments. he is near if I need someone. He wants me to contact a mental health group tomorrow.. I will try,.. I think too I need to take some time for me..

I ramble always, thanks for anyone that got here... I jsut wondered on today's thoughts... I know, go see a therapist- where i will be told in so many words, that I need to figure this out and take the meds.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

I won't say I can understand how you feel. That would be very presumptuous. It sounds like you are experiencing a very difficult time, and that you are also very isolated. I am glad you have posted here on PC. Everyone will have something different to chip in, some may help and some may annoy you, or even bore you.

As for having thoughts of others wanting to hurt you I can say a big YES to that. In fact I have just made it out of weeks off believing my therapist, psychiatrist, any health professional and even parents were out to get me, to manipulate me and control me. It was terrifying as I had nowhere to seek support, no one to ask questions without believing I would be locked up. I have the diagnosis of BP1 with psychotic features if that means anything. However, I have never experienced anything like this. Where I could not trust any of the people I would usually seek help from. It was beyond frightening.

What ended up helping me (and may not be the right path for you) was telling my therapist at least that I didn't trust him at all and explained why. He was very calm, non-judgemental and concerned. However, he did contact my psychiatrist and I was hospitalised. A new anti-psychotic was given to me and now eight days later I feel back to normal.

What you are going though could be completely different but it could be helpful to go to that group and maybe test the waters so to speak. Go at your pace as you seek understanding as to what is going on. Above all. Please stay safe.

(((Wander))) thank you, for your words and kindness. Thanks for your understanding and being you too.
---

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

The stories I have heard of cases where others "encouraged" suicide or self harm all ended the same way. Those people were shocked and devastated that the hurting/suffering person took them seriously. But the fact is, when a person is depressed or suffering in various ways, jokes or poorly chosen words or gestures from others (often born from frustration or ignorance) can be serious triggers. I get the feeling (maybe I'm wrong) that no one has actually encouraged you to harm yourself, but that your depression/desperation is convincing you that that may be so. Depression is a wily devilish son-of-a-*****!

My family has lost a loved one to suicide. I cannot even begin to tell you the pain it has caused all of us. This loved one, unfortunately, was a victim of verbal abuse. The abuser now suffers severe regret and guilt that he may have been a catalyst for the tragedy. I know that this abuser would now do anything to get our loved one back.

Please seek help right away! Your pain is real, but it will pass. It will pass quicker if you seek help.

I absolutely understand what you mean by wanting to return "home". I swear I really do. But home is always nearby, even if it seems so far away. Hurting yourself, or worse, would take you yet further away. Trust me, my friend!

I used to think that the reason my parents put me through so much abuse (and other things) was just that- they wanted me to hurt myself and they wanted to see me suffer

I guess I still feel like that today. I mean I'll never know why they chose to abuse me so much, but as far as I'm concerned that's a pretty good theory

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. I can hardly fathom how distressing this must be for you.

This is a bit different but I have been 100% convinced that demons were trying to get me to kill myself. They were talking to me at the time and telling me to do it. I was harrowingly psychotic and dysphoric. Once I started taking anti-psychotics, it slowly dissipated.

((BirdDancer)) ((RagingVortex))((Fuzzybear))((Cashart10)) and thank you.

Bird Dancer I am sorry for your loss.
Not this recent incident no, just feel like - they push buttons to indicate they want to see it happen. Perhaps it is all in my head, perhaps that person is struggling and knows not what they do and I am "just senstative" ... and with people that sit back and do nothing to assist, I feel alone thus perceive they are part of the plot?

RagingVortex s -- I am so sorry. It hurts when especially a parent/parents that One is told to be there for the child, are so the opposite.
I recall one of the times that my one brother attempted, and my dad made comments that it was a "sad attempt" and "he wished he would just do it".. Those words, while not directed to me at the time, still hold so much in my mind some times. I understand my dad was upset. but -- still.

Cashart10 - can only a few times I believed in demons, this is not one of them... ((the demon I remember most was at work in the trash area, I felt it's energy and I was afraid to put the trash in the compactor -- I ended up opening the door and just tossing the bag in the cart -- sadly yes , leaving it for someone else to do)). Kept on telling myself it was a silly thing for me to even think of... and I had put so many bags in the compactor prior to this.
Some times people-- people are the "demons" -- I have human issues (ha?).

((FuzzyBear))

I took off today, I tried to self care. My ex stopped by after work, I almost forgot what I had done- I got myself a pancake. then stopped and got some facial mask from the store and did a little thing at home.. I almost forgot all about that, - I did spend a lot time in my bed room. Everything has been so loud today.

At any rate, I did submit a request through a site that my insurance popped up with being in network- I am a little confused with it.. It took -- longer than it probably should with me writing in the free text form of what I was having issues with... I still have to finish setting up the account, but they will find a therapist match I guess, with what I gave them and my insurance info.
I did see today when looking on my insurance, that the place with my last T is on the insurance site-- but that place is so disorganized, but last t was focused on trauma therapy-- any time I mentioned, I think this is bipolar- she would tell me one of two things- 1) she did not treat bipolar but could refer me, 2) She did at times question the bipolar with me, but yet also at times agreed with what pdoc wrote done.

Due to I get confused with the bipolar dx, but yet understand I "rapid cycle" with many mood shifts... And I will recognize- around this time of the year, it does seem as if some thing always happens it seems like- then April/May I start to feel -- a different thing.. but other times, I feel like I am always chaotic but then remember times where I felt ok and alright.

I am tired of it all... I get confused.

I just know-- I don't want to go back to a hospital if I fail.. they will say I need to make an appointment with a therapist before I Can go, and get into outside treatment.. so I will take those steps.
I understand if I end life that I leave no option for any unknown things, but -- just hard at times to understand that, and feeling trapped and --- some what like this is not going to get better. *yet - I can be so optimistic too at times. even recently I have been.. I don't understand at times. ((Other times I get it I think, but not today))).

I still feel on edge at times -- like it does not take much.. next week at work will be busy and I really need to be able to put on a mask with this all.

But I will try to take care this weekend-- pull out some old worksheets and do some DBT refreshing to at least attempt to help myself. I will be mindful not to drink alcohol and to not smoke a cig.. though I tried to get one from my ex tonight. He would not give me one.

I did do laundry and my bedding today.. I am confused, because my apartment is not really that bad looking- I have been trying to maintain everything-- last week, my ex helped me put dishes away and dirty ones in the washer because I had let it go.. but I did ok this week I guess. .. I get confused, because I was so happy a few days ago, then boom "Secret messages to go kill myself"- and today ok enough.

I am sorry, I ramble-- I have been on this site how long? -- sure. some improvements but still such a struggle.

A part of me wants to convience the other part of me to "get with the program" and go on meds.. but I am afraid to.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Trigger button added to being with...
These are thoughts right now.

Idk

I am taking / took Friday to Monday off... I have to go back Tuesday
I am trying to avoid anything

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

I work with a ***** secretary who I and numerous other people have complained about because of her rudeness. Our principal literally says the same thing. Apparantly, it’s the reason she “is behind closed doors’”. And, “doesn’t deal with parents”. I mean are you freaking kidding me? If I or any teacher in the school acted that way there would be conversations followed by disciplinary actions. The special treatment some folks get is ridiculous! I’m so sorry you’re still going through this. Just know you are loved and wanted around here. I hope things look up for you very soon!