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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 09:44 PM
  #1
God Only Knows - Beach Boys YouTube

This is where my head is drowning right now. I’m having trouble breathing.

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Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 10:18 PM
  #2
Great song, but not a good one to fixate on. Can you find a positive happy song to listen to instead? I know what its like to obsess on a song and play it endlessly on repeat. SO I am not the best person to help you with this.It can be intoxicating and destructive at the same time. PM me if you want. I will be around for a little bit more then again in about six hours.

Are you going to be ok? Are you having a panic attack? Maybe turn the stereo off for a bit and doing something else to distract yourself. Even if only for 10 mins.

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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:26 PM
  #3
Oh, and btw, my current song is a bit cliche, but it is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. My god some of those lyrics hit home hard. I weep and am filled with joy at the same time. My parents are dropping by soon so time to shut it down for 8 hours.

Take care

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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:41 PM
  #4
I’m sorry I’m just now reading this. I have been one big self destructive nightmare this evening and I have been away from the site. I am really wanting alcohol, the hard stuff, and I haven’t drank (excepting for New Years Eve) in a VERY long time. Like, I am highly considering making a burbon run in the morning and drinking fomorrow night after my kids are sleeping yet my husband is home. Does that sound stupid? I am still eating this song but it is settling on a balancing act between Ani’s To The Teeth and Ani’s Grey. I am teetering on songs that cause me to slide. And, I am finding myself liking it that way.

Bohemian Rhapsody is always a winner in my book. That song will never be cliche!

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:44 PM
  #5
Before adding alcohol to the meds you are on I think you need to reach out for help. I think a call to your pdoc might be in order or at least let your mom and husband know that you are wanting to drink. It's just not safe with all those meds.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:49 PM
  #6
I called her today. She didn’t call me back. And, though she is out of the office on Fridays, that is unlike her. Perhaps there is something up with her elderly parents. . I am afraid with the disassociation I am becoming psychotic. At least I recognize it as such. But yeah, I am just really, really hurting. If I tell them I’m going to buy alcohol, they will stop me. Except sometimes my husband doesn’t mind if I buy wine. He may right now though. Anyway, thank you so much for caring about me. I feel like I need that right now because I really, really could care less about myself.

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:52 PM
  #7
I think that they need to stop you from buying alcohol. It would not play pretty with your meds and could be dangerous.

If your pdoc doesn't call in the morning I'd try again. Maybe something happened with the message or something. She definitely needs to know your fear of psychosis.

There are a lot of people here who care about you a lot. Keep posting.

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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:53 PM
  #8
Music really impacts my mood. My hairdresser is playing 1980’s dance music which I probably don’t need. Do you have anything positive that you like and can listen to?
I get you on the alcohol thing. I gave it up 2 years ago and am craving it and trying to figure out how to get some. (Mood is up and all access to money has been confiscated - which amuses me)

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:02 AM
  #9
I put on Indigo Girls Closer to Fine. It doesn’t get much more upbeat than that. But, now I’m crying. I don’t know.

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I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

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Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:16 AM
  #10
Hopefully you can get in touch with your pdoc for a tweak on the meds. I agree with everyone else alcohol won't make anything better.

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:18 AM
  #11
I’ve been sucked back into an emotionally charged sad song. I am terrified to go to sleep. I didn’t take the sleeping pill (Restoril) that I am supposed to be taking for that reason.
Possible trigger:
i can give you so many reasons why. I am a horrible, despicable person and I am sorry.

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

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Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:24 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by cashart10 View Post
God Only Knows - Beach Boys YouTube

This is where my head is drowning right now. I’m having trouble breathing.
Best BB song ever. Have you seen the Bryan Wilson/BB movie with John Cusak? Its soooo good!

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:34 AM
  #13
I agree entirely! As a matter of fact, it’s one of my all time favorite songs. I have seen the movie also and I liked it! I wasn’t sure about Cusack for the role of adult Wilson when I heard about it but I think he did a great job and pulled it off well!

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I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

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Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:40 AM
  #14
Maybe I will watch that movie tonight? Maybe it will distract me?

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 12:50 AM
  #15
Are your parents still on their way?

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 05:39 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Pookyl View Post
Are your parents still on their way?
I wasn’t expecting them yesterday. Today, however, I slept until 11:30 so my mom insisted I come over which I did. I fell back asleep at her house though around 12:30 and slept until around 3. Now I am “watching” basketball with my mom. My kids are playing with my niece and nephew (well, my younger ones at least, my oldest is at a birthday party with my hubs). I am doing ok for now.

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 06:18 PM
  #17
Glad you have your Mom.

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 09:41 PM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
Glad you have your Mom.
She is a life saver and she cares so much about me. I don’t take advantage of her or her love!

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 09:57 PM
  #19
Didn’t get a chance to buy that alcohol. Apparantly I’m still not “ok to drive” because I fell asleep Thurs on the way to work (my hubs was driving). I did drive me and the kids around the block to mom’s but she told me to please go straight home so I did. I don’t like rocking the boat in this state of mind. I don’t like over reactions and I feel like they happen way too much when I don’t follow simple requests. Maybe I’ve even become too passive. I used to be sooooo defensive and defiant (of course my husband did want a divorce and was flat out nasty at the time and now I can see that they ask and do things out of love). So even on Monday, when I thought I’d be driving myself to my therapist’s appt because my husband will be working, my mom is taking me. The only reason I don’t like this is I cried when I saw her on Thurs. I HATE when people see me cry. Of course, my mom is far less likely to point it out than my husband so I do prefer her to him.

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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 10:26 PM
  #20
You are doing so well. Keep up the fight. You got this. I’m so glad you have support too. It can make all the difference.

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