Massive paranoia, anger, and sadness

I joined this group to get a better understanding of myself. I've struggled with bipolar for as long as I can remember.

I have this overwhelming paranoia that people are lying to me. I'm a supervisor over several operations and I deal with issues from employees all day. I take my buspar with me and I listen to relaxing music through my bluetooth. This gets me through the day.

I trust no one in my life. I always have this feeling of being lied to and backstabbed. I live this fake life where everyone at work thinks I'm happy since I smile and motivate the team to be efficient and productive all while doing it with better communication between departments.

Beyond paranoia, nothing makes me happy. I have 3 BMWs and almost got a 4th but told myself no because it will be like the last 3. My neighbors must think I work for BMW or a drug lord, one of the two.

I also have massive rage too, I keep it at bay for the most part at work. If I need to I'll leave and take a walk, luckily I have that option.

I feel so manic all the time. I can't remember if I even have a "normal day". The meds they put me on helps a ton with my depression. Now if I get depressed I'm out of it only after a week but mostly a few days. A massive improvement from a few weeks to months of massive depression.

The only thing that makes me feel normal is when I'm busy working on a big project. I have to have a massive work load and challenging tasks or I get bored. I've been divorced 3 times now and I'm ready to move on to divorce number 4.

My sadness, I feel life in general is a constant repeat and mundane. Tomorrow I'll be having a meeting then back to solving and creating new work procedures to increase productivity and retain clients.

I've started writing a book and I've got the setting and the characters completed. I'm trying to add something new to my life because I'm so bored and I dont have anyone like myself to hang out with.

I'd like to know what others do when they feel like me? Alone, bored, and just tired of having nothing challenging to do. I'm 38 and the thought of living till I'm 80 or longer makes me sick. 42 years or more I have to find things to learn and do? Wow

I've alienated myself from my family as well. I work all the time as an excuse but it also got me promoted to an executive position under the CEO and CFO. I tend to bring my work with me everywhere and note down topics to discuss. I've created my work life as an escape from reality. No one from my work knows that I'm bipolar and I never plan to disclose that.

I have no idea who I am other than a workaholic that can work 16hrs a day 7 days a week if needed. Is there anyone bipolar that's actually happy? Not including the massive ups when manic. I have my moments when I buy something and get that happiness. That feeling goes away fast and the things I bought doesnt interests me anymore.

I'm Joe by the way.

Hi Joe, welcome. My first question is what meds do you take that work so well for the depression? I am constantly depressed with my bipolar. I am a few years older than you and the age thing - for some reason lately has been really getting to me.

Have you tried learning to draw? or paint? It'll challenge you in a different way. Right now I'm not happy because I'm depressed. I can't work so I can't help with how to detach there.

Lamictal is what I'm on for depression. 300mg at night. I was also depressed all the time. I'm doing a lot better but still have my days. It's just not weeks or months anymore. Manic a ton though but I dont mind that. I can deal with my mania but not depression.

I've alreadly learned to draw and paint. After conquering my hobby or goal it becomes mundane and I dont have a desire to continue with it.

I'm sorry you're depressed and can't work. I couldn't imagine not being able to work and have depression. I hope you get better to get back into the work scene again.

Hello Joe: I see you now have 16 posts to your credit here on PC. I take it this was your first post. So... a belated welcome to Psych Central to you.

Here are links to 3 articles on the subject of bipolar disorder, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest. The first article, by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., provides links to a number of additional articles on the subject:

Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Longevity and Bipolar Disorder

What the Numbers Don't Tell Us – Longevity and Bipolar Disorder part two

I hope you're finding PC to be of benefit.

I have BPII and I love my life. For me it is unmanageable without an antidepressant in addition to the mood stabilizer (lamictal). I was rapid cycling so I was also put on geodon. I have adhd as well and I take adderall. I also have a bipolar daughter. I have been stable on meds with relatively few hiccups since they found the magic combo when I was hospitalized 15 years ago. My doctor has told me that successful bipolar management means you address the mania and the depression. Lamictal on its own is a mood stabilizer but its the cymbalta I take that keeps the depression at bay.

Antidepressants didnt help at all. But when they put me on lamictal that was it. And when they prescribed buspar for my anxiety I felt even better.

I'm still waiting for a better bipolar 1 medication to help with my mania. I get so out of control I should be hospitalized. I know bipolar 2 doesn't have to deal with that luckily. Im very impulsive that my garage is full of all types of products from online shopping. I've gotten into all kinds of hobbies and took it to a new level. I have to give things away because I dont need them because I'm on a new adventure. I hardly sleep and I've got to constantly learn something or I'll get bored.