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Wander
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 02:56 AM
  #1
For those of you wonderful people who have been following my most recent episode some of this may be repetitive so I am sorry.

Basically late September last year I fell into a mixed episode. I was then IP for all of October in a mixed state. Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT then was discharged, followed by several OP ECT. My last ECT was with Ketamine and it really did a number on me. Bedridden for a week and psychologically unstable.

By late November I seemed to be recovering a bit, although still rapid cycling badly. I basically felt I would never get any better than this and live the remainder of my life severely crippled, unable to do anything meaningful, and live in isolation. My life seemed completely pointless. However, due to the treatment failure I became obsessed (not just interested/hoping) in recovery. I began to research EVERYTHING about BP, medical research papers first, then non-medial treatments, new-age stuff and finally the craziest stuff I could find. Unfortunately by then the crazier the stuff the more I believed it.

Somewhere in late January I began to distrust my medical team, pdoc and T. By then I had been asking them leading questions to see if I was right, or that I could trust them. Sadly, throughout January I had made plans to end my life and was finalising them. At the end of January this all came to a head. I saw my T on the 31st, told him I could not trust him at all ( I had texted this to him the previous week). He told me therapy could not go on without trust. We have been seeing each other for eight years so he got through to me enough and I admitted I knew people I knew in the medical field were out to control, manipulate and 'get me'. And since my super-powers to heal myself were gone (yes I believed this) I had no other option but suicide.

Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!!

I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon.

For your information I am on:
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 1250mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing)
Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped)

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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 03:19 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by Wander View Post
...Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT....

Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!!

I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon.

For your information I am on:
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 1250mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing)
Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped)
Wow, 9 ECT--I did not know people could get 9 ECT in the same month. I hope people are put you to sleep for it (that it is not like the scenes from movies).

I am glad you are out and hope you get to stay a little hypomanic for a while.
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Wander
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 03:54 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
Wow, 9 ECT--I did not know people could get 9 ECT in the same month. I hope people are put you to sleep for it (that it is not like the scenes from movies).

I am glad you are out and hope you get to stay a little hypomanic for a while.
The standard course of ECT is 6-12. And yes I was under a general anaesthetic for the whole procedure. No “One flew over the cookoos nest” anymore.

Thanks! I hope the hypo lasts a while too with no depression to follow

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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 09:21 AM
  #4
Wander, I am relieved and happy for you
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 08:06 PM
  #5
Wander, I'm so glad you're doing well enough that they see fit to send you home. I was very worried about you.

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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 08:11 PM
  #6
Oh, this post! I just replied to your other post on the check in thread that I did not see this. I am not sure how I overlooked it. I think it is amazing you are doing so much better!
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 08:12 PM
  #7
Glad you are getting better Wander

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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 09:07 PM
  #8
So glad you're doing better.
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Red face Feb 13, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #9
try to decrease/taper off of klonipin very very slowly....in the smallest of doses available..
glad that geodon is working for you.
bizi

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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 11:47 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander View Post
For those of you wonderful people who have been following my most recent episode some of this may be repetitive so I am sorry.

Basically late September last year I fell into a mixed episode. I was then IP for all of October in a mixed state. Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT then was discharged, followed by several OP ECT. My last ECT was with Ketamine and it really did a number on me. Bedridden for a week and psychologically unstable.

By late November I seemed to be recovering a bit, although still rapid cycling badly. I basically felt I would never get any better than this and live the remainder of my life severely crippled, unable to do anything meaningful, and live in isolation. My life seemed completely pointless. However, due to the treatment failure I became obsessed (not just interested/hoping) in recovery. I began to research EVERYTHING about BP, medical research papers first, then non-medial treatments, new-age stuff and finally the craziest stuff I could find. Unfortunately by then the crazier the stuff the more I believed it.

Somewhere in late January I began to distrust my medical team, pdoc and T. By then I had been asking them leading questions to see if I was right, or that I could trust them. Sadly, throughout January I had made plans to end my life and was finalising them. At the end of January this all came to a head. I saw my T on the 31st, told him I could not trust him at all ( I had texted this to him the previous week). He told me therapy could not go on without trust. We have been seeing each other for eight years so he got through to me enough and I admitted I knew people I knew in the medical field were out to control, manipulate and 'get me'. And since my super-powers to heal myself were gone (yes I believed this) I had no other option but suicide.

Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!!

I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon.

For your information I am on:
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 1250mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing)
Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped)
Awww....I am soooo happy for you! And you are an incredibly amazing and strong woman! Isn’t freedom wonderful??!! I walked for more than a couple of years with total stability lately. Helps me hold onto shards of hope!

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 05:32 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by bizi View Post
try to decrease/taper off of klonipin very very slowly....in the smallest of doses available..
glad that geodon is working for you.
bizi
Thanks. My pdoc is on the same page. Unfortunately, previous pdoc's over 10 years have made me dependant on a 2mg dose (I used to be on a regular 6mg dose!). Going below that is withdrawal territory and my current pdoc said it could take a couple of years to get me off. And during that period I would be without any help should I have a major episode. Really pissed at the old pdoc's. They made an addict out of me. I had no idea.

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 08:39 AM
  #12
It is so wonderful that you are feeling better and better. That fact you wrote that you “woke joyful” truly gives me hope (and others hope too) that there is light within the blackness. And that the light can get brighter.
Thank you for sharing your story
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 09:14 AM
  #13
I knew you could make it, Wander! I agree with all the others. You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm so glad things are going better. Be proud of yourself. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this, but at least it's over now. I hope you'll be able to look back on all the progress you've made through all of this. I'm sure that now you're stronger than ever before! Thank you so much for sharing it here. I'm sure it will inspire and encourage many other people here on PC. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Stay strong, Wander. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Wander View Post
Thanks. My pdoc is on the same page. Unfortunately, previous pdoc's over 10 years have made me dependant on a 2mg dose (I used to be on a regular 6mg dose!). Going below that is withdrawal territory and my current pdoc said it could take a couple of years to get me off. And during that period I would be without any help should I have a major episode. Really pissed at the old pdoc's. They made an addict out of me. I had no idea.
Sorry Bizi - too late for edit button.

I forgot to mention that I also take 2mg or Lorazepam twice a day. This was started IP. So that means I am on 3mg of Clonazepam and 4mg of Lorazepam. Well, I was in the worst state I can ever recall being in so I can't really criticise my pdoc for the doses but, YES, they have to come down to that 2mg Clonaz point as soon as possible. My pdoc will be very helpful with this process.

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 10:48 AM
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Congrats on feeling better

I’ve never been to the hospital before, so I don’t know what it’s like, but I’m glad they were able to help stabilize you. I’m also glad you trusted them and let them help you, because I know that sometimes I personally don’t like letting pdocs help me. I don’t always trust them. But in the end, trusting them has always worked out for me.
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 11:07 AM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Wander View Post
For those of you wonderful people who have been following my most recent episode some of this may be repetitive so I am sorry.

Basically late September last year I fell into a mixed episode. I was then IP for all of October in a mixed state. Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT then was discharged, followed by several OP ECT. My last ECT was with Ketamine and it really did a number on me. Bedridden for a week and psychologically unstable.

By late November I seemed to be recovering a bit, although still rapid cycling badly. I basically felt I would never get any better than this and live the remainder of my life severely crippled, unable to do anything meaningful, and live in isolation. My life seemed completely pointless. However, due to the treatment failure I became obsessed (not just interested/hoping) in recovery. I began to research EVERYTHING about BP, medical research papers first, then non-medial treatments, new-age stuff and finally the craziest stuff I could find. Unfortunately by then the crazier the stuff the more I believed it.

Somewhere in late January I began to distrust my medical team, pdoc and T. By then I had been asking them leading questions to see if I was right, or that I could trust them. Sadly, throughout January I had made plans to end my life and was finalising them. At the end of January this all came to a head. I saw my T on the 31st, told him I could not trust him at all ( I had texted this to him the previous week). He told me therapy could not go on without trust. We have been seeing each other for eight years so he got through to me enough and I admitted I knew people I knew in the medical field were out to control, manipulate and 'get me'. And since my super-powers to heal myself were gone (yes I believed this) I had no other option but suicide.

Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!!

I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon.

For your information I am on:
Geodon 120mg
Lithium 1250mg
Lamotrigine 300mg
Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing)
Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped)
So happy for you!!

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 01:18 PM
  #17
I'm so glad your doing better.

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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 03:37 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
Congrats on feeling better

I’ve never been to the hospital before, so I don’t know what it’s like, but I’m glad they were able to help stabilize you. I’m also glad you trusted them and let them help you, because I know that sometimes I personally don’t like letting pdocs help me. I don’t always trust them. But in the end, trusting them has always worked out for me.
Thanks Blue! At the beginning of my admission my psychosis told me all medical staff were controlling, manipulating and conspiring against me. This made it VERY difficult. I was beyond terrified and had to be verbally (gently) coerced into co-operating. Some thread of sanity must have been there. This was beyond terrifying but as my life was in danger it had to be done.

You are right, trusting most medical professionals who are genuinely looking out for your wellbeing is the best thing to do. Once the psychosis stopped I was amazed I couldn’t trust them in the past as they were all so caring. A good hospital can be the best place to be in these circumstances. I am so glad I was made to go. It saved my life.

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