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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#1
For those of you wonderful people who have been following my most recent episode some of this may be repetitive so I am sorry.
Basically late September last year I fell into a mixed episode. I was then IP for all of October in a mixed state. Nothing was working so I had 9 ECT then was discharged, followed by several OP ECT. My last ECT was with Ketamine and it really did a number on me. Bedridden for a week and psychologically unstable. By late November I seemed to be recovering a bit, although still rapid cycling badly. I basically felt I would never get any better than this and live the remainder of my life severely crippled, unable to do anything meaningful, and live in isolation. My life seemed completely pointless. However, due to the treatment failure I became obsessed (not just interested/hoping) in recovery. I began to research EVERYTHING about BP, medical research papers first, then non-medial treatments, new-age stuff and finally the craziest stuff I could find. Unfortunately by then the crazier the stuff the more I believed it. Somewhere in late January I began to distrust my medical team, pdoc and T. By then I had been asking them leading questions to see if I was right, or that I could trust them. Sadly, throughout January I had made plans to end my life and was finalising them. At the end of January this all came to a head. I saw my T on the 31st, told him I could not trust him at all ( I had texted this to him the previous week). He told me therapy could not go on without trust. We have been seeing each other for eight years so he got through to me enough and I admitted I knew people I knew in the medical field were out to control, manipulate and 'get me'. And since my super-powers to heal myself were gone (yes I believed this) I had no other option but suicide. Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital. It was terrifying as I thought they were all out to get me. Amazingly, after 8 days of med changes Geodon switched me back to reality in less than week. Six days ago I was seriously about to die as planned when I woke early am. Yet instead I slept straight till midday (odd for me, even with the extra meds) and woke up joyful and un-traumatised. Six days later I am still doing really well. Four and a half months of hell and I am FREE!!!! I just wanted to share my journey. To get it down, and if it may help someone else. Saw my T today and he is really happy for me. Says I am a little hypomanic but that should settle soon. For your information I am on: Geodon 120mg Lithium 1250mg Lamotrigine 300mg Clonazepam 3mg (and reducing) Seroquel 50mg to sleep (to be stopped) __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Anonymous43918, Anonymous46341, Anonymous55879, cashart10, HopeForChange, Innerzone, MickeyCheeky
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cashart10, HopeForChange, Innerzone, MickeyCheeky
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#2
Quote:
I am glad you are out and hope you get to stay a little hypomanic for a while. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
9 2,611 hugs
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#3
Quote:
Thanks! I hope the hypo lasts a while too with no depression to follow __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Anonymous55879, bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#4
Wander, I am relieved and happy for you
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bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2006
Location: Napa Valley
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#5
Wander, I'm so glad you're doing well enough that they see fit to send you home. I was very worried about you.
__________________ >< |
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bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: US
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#6
Oh, this post! I just replied to your other post on the check in thread that I did not see this. I am not sure how I overlooked it. I think it is amazing you are doing so much better!
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bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Member
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: Canada
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#7
Glad you are getting better Wander
__________________ Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Alcohol Use Disorder Meds: Depakote Welbutrin Abilify I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free. - Sylvia Plath |
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bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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#8
So glad you're doing better.
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bizi, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Bizi is bizi
Member Since Nov 2005
Location: cajun country
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#9
try to decrease/taper off of klonipin very very slowly....in the smallest of doses available..
glad that geodon is working for you. bizi __________________ 150mg of lamictal 2x a day haldol 5mg 2x a day 1mg of cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night, 4-5 peri-colace for chronic constipation multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine at noon PRN Remeron 15mg at night, zyprexa10mg under tongue, requip2mg. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2013
Location: KY
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#10
Quote:
__________________ ***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#11
Thanks. My pdoc is on the same page. Unfortunately, previous pdoc's over 10 years have made me dependant on a 2mg dose (I used to be on a regular 6mg dose!). Going below that is withdrawal territory and my current pdoc said it could take a couple of years to get me off. And during that period I would be without any help should I have a major episode. Really pissed at the old pdoc's. They made an addict out of me. I had no idea.
__________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Anonymous55879, MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: Home
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#12
It is so wonderful that you are feeling better and better. That fact you wrote that you “woke joyful” truly gives me hope (and others hope too) that there is light within the blackness. And that the light can get brighter.
Thank you for sharing your story |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, Wander
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Legendary
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#13
I knew you could make it, Wander! I agree with all the others. You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm so glad things are going better. Be proud of yourself. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this, but at least it's over now. I hope you'll be able to look back on all the progress you've made through all of this. I'm sure that now you're stronger than ever before! Thank you so much for sharing it here. I'm sure it will inspire and encourage many other people here on PC. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Stay strong, Wander. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#14
Quote:
I forgot to mention that I also take 2mg or Lorazepam twice a day. This was started IP. So that means I am on 3mg of Clonazepam and 4mg of Lorazepam. Well, I was in the worst state I can ever recall being in so I can't really criticise my pdoc for the doses but, YES, they have to come down to that 2mg Clonaz point as soon as possible. My pdoc will be very helpful with this process. __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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#15
Congrats on feeling better
I’ve never been to the hospital before, so I don’t know what it’s like, but I’m glad they were able to help stabilize you. I’m also glad you trusted them and let them help you, because I know that sometimes I personally don’t like letting pdocs help me. I don’t always trust them. But in the end, trusting them has always worked out for me. |
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Wise Elder
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#16
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__________________ ********* Mr. Robot Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside. --The Cure
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Wander
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Legendary
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#17
I'm so glad your doing better.
__________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#18
Quote:
You are right, trusting most medical professionals who are genuinely looking out for your wellbeing is the best thing to do. Once the psychosis stopped I was amazed I couldn’t trust them in the past as they were all so caring. A good hospital can be the best place to be in these circumstances. I am so glad I was made to go. It saved my life. __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Innerzone
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