A V-Day call -- can people really change? (ex-substance)

Not surprisingly, being Valentine's Day, a call came through from my ex-BF. I let it go to vm. I still feel quite firm about my decision in my head. And in my little book of reasons not to get hoovered in again. But. It has gotten me to wondering if someone is not abusing (or even using) substances at all, could they really change enough in what they do and how they think? Could they truly be so sorry as to make a radical change?

Or is it all just words.....

He feels that it "wasn't him", doing what he did. He asks forgiveness, which seems to at least indicate that he accepts responsibility for what he did. Or does it?

Can suffering big consequences from a major judgement error make one so truly sorry that they make radical change?

To reiterate, I'm holding firm. And he's not pressuring anything at all, only ever referring to a hope for some time in the future. And for my part, I'm approaching the whole thing with exceeding caution. Serious, serious proof would need to take place for me to even consider.

I'm especially curious to hear from folks who have had substance abuse issues. Double bonus points if you could be described as having sociopathic tendencies.

(Please don't move this thread to another area. I need feedback from those who know me and know the backstory. Thanks.)

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I don't know your backstory, Innerzone, so unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice to give to you But yes, I do believe people can change. After all, that's why we're all here, right? We want to change. But I think it's wise to be careful. Lots of people say that they have changed, but it doesn't take long to understand that that's not true at all. And change doesn't happen overtime. Especially if it's related to substance abuse. It can take several years. I don't know how much time has passed, but I'd be very careful. Even just letting him into your life again would mean opening up a lot of previous scars again - and it would take even more time to get over them. Do you think it's worth it? Only you can answer that. It certainly wouldn't be easy. I'd suggest to just move on and start with someone else if you can. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. I'm so sorry you've been through all of this, you didn't deserve it all. Please don't give up. I know it's hard. I admire your strength and will. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

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Originally Posted by Innerzone But. It has gotten me to wondering if someone is not abusing (or even using) substances at all, could they really change enough in what they do and how they think? Could they truly be so sorry as to make a radical change?

Do you mean an addict? Like could they change ? If that is what you mean then yes, good sobriety fosters change- it has to. Getting honest about your addiction, abstaining and self help can revamp an entire person and their lives. I am an alcoholic. I use a 12 step program. I am not who I used to be. In fact, I am such a good person now, with such honesty and integrity that I would go through the pain and sorrow of alcoholism and the brutal withdrawals if I knew I would end up who I am today.

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He feels that it "wasn't him", doing what he did. He asks forgiveness, which seems to at least indicate that he accepts responsibility for what he did. Or does it?

Words dont matter. How are his actions?

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Can suffering big consequences from a major judgement error make one so truly sorry that they make radical change?

It depends on how devastating those consequences were and how willing one is to truly change.

People do fundamentally change sometimes, but mostly they just get older LOL.

It's probably best to not engage at all.

I'm sorry you went thru the experience, must have been very hard on you.

Just my opinion but seems like a selfish move on his part to contact on V-Day of all days!! Seems impulsive and if he is doing great, well-situated, etc, he would reach out last week, last month, next week, next month versus Valentines' day.

Which may be indicative of the actions you should take, which is probably zero.

Hang in there.

I think in regards to him and how the relationship was for you ??? No I don’t think he can change and it be a true change.

As mentioned calling on V day ? That sounds like a manipulative go at you.

I feel people can quit “ things” cigs, alcohol, drugs.... but fundamentally? Nope , short term , maybe .... long haul Nope.