Where to start?

I want to purge what I'm experiencing. But I'm not always sure how to articulate properly. It's life issues, mainly relationship issues, as well as some trepidation about going back to work, how I'm doing sober, my experiences being more positive, ugh. Well it's all kinds of stuff and I get derailed. A lot has to do with the man in my life. Right now I don't know if he's my boyfriend or roommate. It's complicated and messy and not healthy at all. I'm posting here of all places because my primary diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with psychosis and I lurked a long time before posting, then lost internet and disappeared, and now I'm back. I'm glad I'm back. This site helps immensely. Mostly I want to hash out my thoughts and have no desire for another flesh and blood therapist. I didn't like the last couple and don't wanna risk that again. Ugh. I mostly have to post when he is sleeping or working cause he gets weird and paranoid and makes me feel very anxious and like I am doing something wrong seeking help or validation for myself or feelings and thoughts..

So last night in a drunken fit he broke up with me. Again. I tried to just ride with it.. let it pass.. let him sleep, go to work.. etc. He won't go to work this morning and is saying he can't live here with me. Not even as a roommate. I don't even have a job yet!! Aarrggg!!

Calypso, I hope as the day goes on things work out a little better. You may want to start coming up with an action plan, if needed.

Hey, Calypso. We're here for you!

Things have smoothed over for the time being but it cycles. With his mood, Buzz, and amount of money in his wallet. Things go from I'm using him for his money to I f#ck everything that walks.. I'm not a cheater. I've been on the receiving end of that one a bit to much. And if I was using him for his money why would I be out job hunting and offering to repay what I ask for? And he goes out and brings me home stuff I don't ask for all the time.. then gets drunk and the record plays the same old song.. ugh. Why does love have to hurt and be complicated? He tells me he will work on his drinking and how much but then falls back into it. Stays drunk and negative regardless of consequences. Like getting in trouble at work. For calling out. And screwing up cause he is so tired from staying up getting drunk. God it's frustrating to watch. Now I know how other people saw me for so long. Maybe this is my pennence or lesson or life experience or chance to help someone. I dunno. But I do love him. Good with the bad right?

The blame and accusations are getting out of hand. He's pissed off tonight cause I'm texting a friend from out of state, whom I've never met, about his relationship troubles. Apparently I'm at fault for texting. Or having friends. And spending his money as usual. He says he loves me and wants to marry me then gets drunk and all his problems are my fault. All the things that happened to him in previous relationships, I'm doing. I'm obviously such a bad person here. Staying home cooking and cleaning, just got my Cna back trying to get a job to lighten the load.. but everything is my fault. How long am I supposed to hold up under this without cracking? Not to mention I'm only just over 4 months sober and watch him get drunk every day. Sometimes I get so furious at the absolute injustice of it all. But maybe this is the price I have to pay for my wrongdoing. My screw ups in this relationship. I never cheated and I don't lie to him. But he told me I'm forgiven and I'm not. It gets dug up every time he's drunk and pissed off. What life is this when I have to edit myself so brutally? I can't be myself or have friends. Have to walk on egg shells and keep my opinions to myself should they differ from his. God how far I have fallen...

No one deserves this. Get out as safe and fast as you can. This is not penance it's a toxic relationship.

i am afraid i agree ....

Make plans to leave as soon as possible. I can speak from experience CNA’s don’t make much but enough to rent a room ? I’d take a small bedroom rather than put up with that shyt.

Congrats on your 4 months sober ! Be proud of yourself , very proud since he is there constantly getting drunk.