Just a little off topic... lol

I'm going to give up on trying to write this post-- I've erased it 6 times after writing a substantial amount, changing the topic slightly. Let's just say this -- I think I'm hypomanic and this is one of the first times I think I've been able to identify my mood without much doubt. It's been 6 days now.


After a long stint in deep depression to suddenly feel better is a godsend, but elated mood is not my indicator in this. I feel restless, I don't sleep much, can't concentrate or focus, my thoughts can't come out fast enough before switching topics (much like re-writing this post) My therapist has even noticed and has mentioned my thoughts are kind of passive brain work and not really being able to concentrate..


Anyway, I don't really have a point here. I just wanted to say I'm still around and I'm OK. This mood shift is not disrupting my life, so I'm just reveling in it. Who cares what we call it? (I do sadly, I like to have a label, at least you feel it's something communal and others can understand).

Anyway, to keep the thread relevant and relatable, let me propose a question -- When was the first time you realized a mood shift that was significant enough to identify it as depression or a manic/hypomanic episode?

When I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It manifested as depression by crying ALL day long.

Enjoy your hypomania but try not to lose too much sleep?

I'm glad you're doing OK, and am happy you're here to add to this great community. I don't like to think of myself as "a bipolar person" (more a person with bipolar disorder), but I definitely agree that interacting with others who really understand is comforting. It makes me feel good when I can add something to a conversation that is perhaps helpful. Many many others in this community have helped me so much.

My first acknowledgement of my mental illness was at 14 years old with anxiety, but it may have started in a mild way before that. Maybe. But at 14 I took my first psychotropic med. At 15, I had my first significant depressive episode. Then it likely transitioned to a mixed episode. I incorrectly thought I had schizophrenia. I didn't know what bipolar disorder or manic episodes were. The course of my illness from there was clearly bipolar disorder, but I wouldn't know that until it worsened severely in my early 30s. In my teens and 20s I looked at my depressions and elevated periods as more like flus and highly "well" periods. Or more just parts of...life. It wasn't until my first hospitalization at 34 that I figured out I had a serious mental illness that would keep recurring. I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost two years before, but totally blew it off. It didn't help that when first diagnosed I was surely at least hypomanic with no insight.

Thank you so much for updating us, Brentus! I'm glad you're doing. From what you wrote, I think there may be a chance that you're hypomanic as well. That's just my opinion though. I may be completely wrong. I'm not an experto or a professional. The only way to know for sure is to goto a doctor and get a proper diagnosis, if you haven't already. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to get through this. Take all the time you need. Just take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. I'm glad you're here with us! I'm sure you'll like this forum There are many kind, wonderful people here. You're definitely not alone in this. I'm sure there are many people who can relate to what you wrote, especially here on PC. We're here to support you if you need. Please don't give up. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, Brentus. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You deserve it. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

When I realized I couldn't stop talking or working on things I knew I was manic.

I had my first depressive episode at age 10. I distinctly remember waking up one morning feeling like I wanted to die. It was awful; kids don't understand those emotions at that age and all I knew was I felt terrible and guilty somehow, like I'd done something to deserve it. I kept it to myself though, because I knew my parents wouldn't understand and they'd tell me to buck up and smile. That was their cure for everything under the sun. I didn't realize that it was depression; there was no trigger that I can recall. I figured it out later when I was 13 and had another episode...still didn't have a name for it, but I recognized the feelings.

Mania didn't show up for another few years, but I remember the first one even though I had no idea what it was. I spent an entire summer manic AF, but of course had no idea why I was acting that way. I was spending upwards of 14-hour days at work, my production was amazing but I made a lot of mistakes (this was in a factory). I'd drink so I could sleep for 2-3 hours and get up and do it all over again. My boss complained that I never shut up and I actually told my life story from birth. I don't remember doing that. But I spent money like it was going out of style, and I did things like spend a long weekend in Ensenada, Mexico getting hammered and stoned with people I didn't even know.

First one. Debilitating depression out of nowhere at 20. I had no idea of BP, but there was no way not to be able to recognize it as depression. I couldn't get out (except occasionally sneaking out under cover of darkness for chocolate covered donuts -- my sole sustenance at the time) and wow, yeah, it was awful.

I may well have been hypo preceding this (best time of my life and very, very sociable --atypical for me), but that I couldn't say that one for sure -- remember, knew nothing of BP at the time.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I still haven't reached a point at which I can identify my moods. My mind races with daily nonsense and I sort of float through life. It sort of goes back to who I was in my 20s......party, work, party. No worries, right? At the same time, maybe that's the BP in me. Anyway, these days I sleep, I work, I come home, I eat, I sleep. I'm not much of a thoughtful or pensive person when it comes to *me*. But I'm working on it, I know I need to get better. I'm trying to come up with strategies to be more mindful about my day. Of course, with all this being said, I'll probably get up tomorrow morning and go back into robot mode.

Kinda in the same place as you. This has only been going on for few days though. I've been stable for months except feeling hypomanic before Christmas. That time I felt more euphoric.

This time is probably result of reducing my dosage in attempt to lose a few kilos. Why won't I even learn. I always keep telling myself "maybe I'm not even bipolar" or "I miss the creativity". Now I somehow believe I'm imagining everything and not sick, but it's getting really unpleasant so ill probably go back on my higher dosage and pray to become more stable quickly.

Now I hvae only slept for 3 hours during the last 2 days. At first I felt happy and energetic, cleaned up, was in good mood and was looking for online shopping. Didn't buy anything yet but I made plans what to buy, plans how to redecorate my apartment and had millions of tabs open. Yesterday I thought I saw signs that I might have some good luck given by the universe and should participate some sort of gambling because I felt like I might win. Never done that before so I didn't end up doing it yet. Yesterday I also had boosts of creativity and I wrote and drew. Was also more talkative than usually but its not too bad as I don't talk way too fastly for others to understand.
I've been having racing thoughts all the time. Couldn't really sleep because of it. After the few hours of sleep I feel like the signs I saw might have been misinterpreted and not as real and meaningful as I first thought. Today has been more unpleasant than last 3 days. Just racing heart and racing thoughts, my brain is overworking but my body doesn't feel that energetic anymore. I'm planning to go back on my meds today, I really forgot how unpleasant this can get.

I hope you stay safe and will eventually land softly. Really hope none of us gets depression, I still can remember how horrible it can be. It's the only thing that keeps from me wanting to get too high.