Important question

Potential religious trigger:

So, I am asking this question here because I don’t know how to ask it irl without sounding crazy. Is it possible that the Lord has you turn down your spouse to stay pure for him? I mean, not for intercourse but just so you are pure while in his presence like if he turns your shower water to holy water? I have believed this before but when I came down realized it to be a delusion but right now I don’t even feel slightly manic so how is it a delusion? Maybe it wasn’t a delusion before. I’m starting to question whether things I believed in the past really were delusions and not miracles. How can you ever really know for sure?

I don't have a good answer. My religiosity, such as it is, tends to flair with psychosis so there isn't a distinction between miracles and delusions. I hope that makes sense.

I tend to stay away from contemplating a higher power because the whole subject is mildly destabilizing and has a tendency where my thoughts get totally out of hand. In fact I don't really understand how believers can really contain their psychosis if they are prone to this symptom, but that is probably due to a lack of imagination on my part. My illness can start up again from a little spark of psychotic thinking until it takes over my whole mental landscape. I've become even a little bit afraid of my own imagination.

I get it and my faith nose dived after psychotic religiosity about 7 years ago but I find myself questioning it now. And, I’m afraid even to say something to my pdoc because since I’ve signed a release to my husband and mom, she can tell them what I’m thinking right? Or can she not? I just don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. And I don’t think it’s a big deal.

I’m a little confused by your question. If you’re not turning your husband down for intercourse what are you turning him down for?

Is your dx Schizoaffective Bipolar ?That's my diagnosis and you can have delusions without being manic or depressed with that. I recently was having religious delusions, I am a religious person but the stuff/beliefs I was going on about for a few weeks was not typical of me and I was also having other psychotic symptoms at the time too. I'm not saying that's what you are of course, everyone has different beliefs and I respect that, So I guess it can depend on some different factors. Is it a belief you've had for a long time in your life that's always been there even when completely stable? Have you had psychosis symptoms while not manic, etc

Can your doctor provide any insight on it? Maybe they would be able to tell whether it's related to delusional thinking or not if they know you well

Turning my husband down for intercourse so that I will be pure in the Lord’s presence.

I’m not really sure of my diagnosis. My previous pdoc diagnosed me with schizoeffective disorder but I’m not sure that is what my current diagnosis is. I think it is bp1 with psychotic features. I haven’t had anything other than very mild psychotic symptoms in a very long time but no, this isnt something I would typically believe. That gives me an inclination to mention it to my pdoc but at the same time I feel like just because I’ve never believed it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Do you think they will make a big deal of it if it is the case? I am sleeping fine and currently in IOP and I don’t think I’m acting crazy. But I know my husband and mom’s tendency to overreact to certain symptoms. Will my pdoc be able to tell them if she thinks I am becoming psychotic?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, cashart10 I'm not sure how would they react since I don't really know them very well. But since you think they may react badly, perhaps it's best to avoid it at the moment. That's just my opinion though. The final decision is up to you. I don't know for sure how they will react. Perhaps they'll be able to help you. You know them better than me so I'd suggest to think about it and take your own decision if you can. Most importantly, I'd encourage you to talk to your Pdoc about this and see how it goes from there. Perhaps you could ask him not to disclose anything to your husband and mom if that's what you're worried about. I'm not sure how it works, but I believe your privacy is the priority there. They can't tell anything to other people unless you explicitly allow them to. I'm not sure about it though. I'd suggest to ask your Pdoc for more details. Hopefully he will listen to you and understand you. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. It must be hard for you to feel like this. I'm so sorry. Please don't give up. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, cashart10. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all fo this

I really believe you may be having an episode. Your shower is not blessed water. And your god is not challenging you. Especially for no reason.

I would suggest speaking to your pdoc again. As well as maybe working out your complete diagnosis as this seems a little more than bipolar (but I could be wrong)

You can ask your pdoc that question, or, more generally, what would she do if she thought you were becoming psychotic.

Presumably she would tell you first and then tell you what she would be going to do in that instance.

Your pdoc can't really help you if you are hiding your thoughts and feelings. It seems important enough to bring up to the pdoc.

I know what you mean about people irl over reacting though. I am generally quite circumspect about describing my thoughts and feelings to other people for that reason.

If psychotic episodes leak outside of mood episodes usually the person ends up with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. FWIW I think I used to be bipolar 1 with psychotic episodes but became schizoaffective as my disease progressed.

I don't have a lot of confidence in the disease categories in psychiatry but it is what it is. For the most part the treatment of these two conditions is the same.

Well, I cannot be sure if it is a delusion, but a few things make me think it's something to look out for and talk to your doctor about it. I would say the fact that it is something you believed before when you had psychosis and then stopped and now you are thinking it is real again might be a sign it is your thinking being off. Also, while I know people do believe in miracles with religion, you seem to think you are being focused on by God, in a way that comes off as a little more extreme to me. Like that your shower water might suddenly be turned to holy water, or that you are being personally asked to reject your husband to be pure. Unless of course this is part of what others with your religion might typically think could happen. Do you hear God speaking to you or are you just thinking that this is what he wants? I think there could be reason to at least mention it to your doctor, and see what they think. I really can't say not being your doctor, but seems worth discussing.

Thank you for being a voice of reason. It is hard for me to accept. I have these memories of casting out and vomiting demons...bizarre things things that I did, some that happened to me, and many of them...that I have believed were delusions for some time. But then comes that spark of what if. What if that really did happen. And, even hearing it from other people is hard to accept. I’m trying to avoid the shower tonight so nothing strange happens because my husband isn’t home. This means I could stay in the shower until 5:30 if I so choose and I know if I get in there and get in that cycle...build up that the Lord is healing me and helping me cast out demons and that none of it is crazy, I can believe it and that maybe isn’t a good thing. On Sat night, I had a very bad night. And, I told myself if I made it to church on Sunday that the Lord would show me this kind of favor again. I didn’t make it there because I was prepping for my son’s blue and gold banquet but then I felt like I had a second chance when I took a shower yesterday.

This is VERY good advice and makes me breathe a sigh of relief...like maybe I’ll find out talking to her about it won’t be such a big deal. I left her a message this afternoon but she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I know she’ll call tomorrow afternoon.

I have in the past had God speak to me, even call me out by name, but not now. It’s just a feeling I guess. Not sure how to explain it better.

I should add that I’ve been feeling strongly lately that my salvation is on the line.

Cash showering excessively is a trigger for you, be careful. I would stick to no more than an hour a day. I often feel I need to reject intercourse to be pure but not for religious reasons. I haven’t found a way to broach the topic with a T or pdoc.

I think it sounds at minimum like an irrational belief, at most a delusion. I think I’m not always manic when I’m like this. But it is usually part of an episode. However, I’ve had stuff that’s happened that I’d consider miraculous.
I’m saying this as someone who has grown up in the church. My dad is a preacher and most of my aunts and uncles are in ‘the ministry’.

My mind has been preoccupied with all of this all day. Maybe I’m not bipolar? Maybe my delusions haven’t been delusions? Maybe I don’t need medicine? Maybe the medicine is hurting me? Maybe I just need to be grounded in faith once more?